Another Passenger on the Grief Train

This week has, for the most part, sucked. There have been glimmers of fun and happiness, but a lot of bad crap has happened this week. My Mother-in-law was in the hospital for a few days with pneumonia and while she was there, she found out that her gall bladder will have to be taken out soon, my friend died (I'll write more about this at the end of the blog entry), a guy that my husband works with had a baby (well, his wife did) 2 weeks ago and on Friday, the baby had a seizure. The doctors don't know why. The other bad thing that happened is that one of my nieces lost a baby. It wasn't one of the ones I have mentioned (I have 2 others pregnant). This one found out last Sunday that she was expecting and she miscarried on Monday. I saw her yesterday at our family Christmas celebration and she is beside herself. I felt so sorry for her. I talked with her for quite awhile and gave her the "Permission to Grieve" pamphlet from Focus on the Family. I also gave her my phone numbers and told her to call whenever she wants to talk. She's only 19 and lost her sister-in-law (Amy Wilhoite) to cancer 3 months ago. While I was talking to her, it occured to me that things I once dreaded so much, I almost embrace now. Little challenges like holding a baby or becoming the teacher of the 2nd and 3rd trimester class that I mentioned in my last entry. I think because I know I'm never going to have a baby again, I look forward to conquering those challenges, so I can get on with life. I wish there was some way I could help her right now, and I told her as much, but it is truly a pain you have to trudge through yourself. I say trudge because sometimes the grief is so deep that it's hard to breathe and your whole body feels like lead. A grieving Mom once wrote on another website that she felt like she was on a train she didn't want to be on going to a place she didn't want to go. None of us chooses the Grief Train, but I am finding that time and opening my heart and mind to healing, I am starting to at least appreciate the scenery......
In Sunday school this morning, I mentioned the family of my friend who died. One of our Sunday school members heard through the grapevine that she killed herself. This leaves me with more regrets than I had even 3 days ago. I wonder, "If I had called and we had gotten together, would things have been different for her?" I don't know. I can't understand what kind of pain or sadness would cause a person to kill themselves a week before Christmas. She has a daughter and a granddaughter. I just don't understand any of this. She certainly didn't seem like the type who could do that. I do know that she was a Christian and I believe that she is in Heaven now. I know I could open a whole can of theological worms about a Christian and suicide, but I believe once forgiven, always forgiven, even if your final sin is suicide....... Sorry to throw this in here. It just makes me so sad that such a huge part of a period of my life is gone..... and possibly at her own hand.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas in the midst of chaos,
Paula

S-T-R-E-T-C-H! Am I ready for this?

I have about dozen topics I'd like to blog about, but the one that is most pertinent is my new volunteer position teaching parenting classes at a local pregnancy center. For years, I volunteered at our local Birthright running pregnancy tests and offering counseling. I quit when I was pregnant with my son. After becoming familiar with the Pregnancy Resource Center through a recent walk-a-thon, I decided I would like to be more involved in helping out there. I was asked if I would be interested in teaching parenting classes, so I jumped on the opportunity. I thought, "I have 5 kids, so maybe I'd be good at that." My thought was that I'd be teaching the moms after they gave birth. I was wrong. I attended a meeting this morning and I am now the 2nd and 3rd trimester teacher. I feel like this is a stretch for me and I wonder if I'm ready for it. I think I'll do fine, but there will always be the breaking through things I have yet to face post-miscarriage--pregnancy videos, listening to the moms talk about their babies and their feelings. I do feel like this is where I'm suppose to be, though. I think it's another facet of healing for me. One of the classes that we offer is miscarriage support. I told them I would be interested in teaching that since I have knowledge and empathy for those who have suffered that kind of loss.
Christmas is almost here and I'm almost ready! I am finishing my shopping today. Then, I only have a few cards to make, some baking to do, and packages to wrap.
A few minutes later...I just looked in the paper and saw that my birth attendant with 2 of my kids died. She was only 49. I worked with her at Birthright and she was such a help when I was in labor with my 2nd and 3rd children. Needless to say, I'm very sad right now and reading about her death made me cry. I hadn't seen her in years, though when we'd see each other, we'd always say, " We need to get together." We never did...
The last thing I'd like to write about is my niece McKenzie. Her birthday is December 23 and every year, I think back to her birth day with very fond memories....
It was Tuesday, December 23, 2003. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with Sean and as I waddled into my laundry room with a basket of clothes, I had a thought. "The adoption agency said M and BJ would probably have a baby by Christmas. Yeah, right." It was a fleeting thought. After 4 months of active waiting and 2 false "the birth mom might pick M and BJ" alarms, we had all settled into a rut of waiting for "THE CALL". M and BJ began to pursue the avenue of adoption about a year after losing the triplets. At first, they looked into international adoption, but as new teachers, they weren't able to do that financially. So, they decided on domestic adoption. More specifically, the adoption of a bi-racial or black baby. At first, we all had our doubts about them adopting a baby of a different race. We aren't racists by any means, but we all wondered how a black or bi-racial baby would fit into our family....
At 5:15 p.m., I was putting on make-up, after my husband offered to take us out to dinner. I was exhausted, so I gladly took him up on it! The phone rang. I answered. My brother said to me, "Are you sitting down?" Immediately, my eyes teared up and told him yes. He said, "We got a call from the adoption agency. A baby was born this morning to a mom in Sikeston. She's a little black girl and we go on Friday to pick her up." We were expecting them to have to fly someplace to pick up their baby, but Sikeston?! That was so close!! I knew it had to be of God. Well, when I hung up the phone, I was floating!!!!! We went out to eat and trudged through the next 3 days hoping and praying that the birth mom wouldn't change her mind. On Christmas eve, my devotional passage was Galatians 4:4-5, which talks about us being adopted into God's family. I took it as a sign that things would work out and we would get her. Friday morning, I got another call from my sister-in-law telling me that they were now the proud parents of "the most beautiful baby girl". We anxiously waited at my parents' house for them to come home. Wow! What an incredible feeling it was to see M and BJ with a baby of their own after such a long, heartbreaking wait! It never has mattered to us that she's black. She's just Kenzie and we are so thankful to have her!!! Happy 4th birthday, Kenzie Wenzie!
Merry Christmas!
Paula

Pre-Christmas Odds and Ends

The Christmas season is upon us and for the first time in years, I am in the Christmas spirit! This week, I decorated my house and put up the tree. The kids and I spent Monday afternoon listening to Christmas music via my DirecTV XM satellite radio and filling the living room with boxes stuffed with decorations. At one point, I could hardly walk through the room, but we got it all cleaned up and I don't have to think about it again until January. House keeping is not my forte, so I'm glad it's done! I have even listened to a local Christian music station that is playing Christmas songs 24/7 until Christmas. This is not like me, as my music usually involves lots of electric guitar, heavy backbeat, and screaming.
In the next few days, I will be hearing of 2 baby announcements. One is the wife of a guy my husband works with. The other is the teenage mom from my church. I really do well in hearing baby news anymore, but I always feel my chest tighten a little. I don't know how long this will last or if it will ever go away. I can't associate it with sadness, nor can I put my finger on what emotion it is. It simply is there.
My niece had an ultrasound this week. She's due in April. The baby looks good, but she has placenta previa (a condition where the placenta is covering the cervix) and the placenta doesn't look healthy. We are all worried about that and I hope and pray everything goes well with her.
Today marks the 9th anniversary of the death of my nephew, Little Ricky. He was the 9th child born to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and the 2nd child of theirs to be born with Down Syndrome. He also had a serious heart defect. He died following heart surgery. I remember mentioning him in my Bible study group that morning and hearing later in the day that the surgery was successful. I was so thankful. His parents had been through so much. Later in the evening, my mother-in-law called me to tell me that Ricky's blood pressure had fallen and that they were having trouble stablizing it. They weren't sure he would make it. I prayed all night and the next morning called her back to see if she'd heard any news. She told me that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law were heading home. Ricky had died at about 7:30 December 1. His Mom was one of my best friends at the time. Things were never the same after he died and we haven't been as close since then. I did send a card this year. My anger and bitterness over her not sending a card when I lost my babies is gone. In recent months, I've gotten to know her again in a different capacity. Not really the friend I used to have, but something akin to friendship.
I'm getting ready to go to our local Christmas parade. I haven't been to one in 3 years, so I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Until I think of something else to write about...
Paula

Thankfulness

Yesterday we celebrated Thanksgiving and I also celebrated my 36th birthday. It was my in-laws' year, so we spent the day over at their house visiting and, of course, eating. It was a good day.
Since last Thanksgiving I have come to a point of being genuinely thankful for my current lot in life. I have it good. I'm healthy, I have a husband who loves me just the way I am, I have 5 healthy kids, and I am in good spirits. Life is a good thing for me right now, so it is easy to be thankful. I think back to 2 years ago and even last year. When I was at a sad, depressed point in my life and I needed to be constantly reminded of what I DO have, not what I don't, the following helped me.

Here's a small excerpt from the book "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado:
"Whatever the blessing is in our cup, it is sure to run over. With Him the calf is always the fatted calf; the robe is always the best robe; the joy is unspeakable; the peace passeth understanding.... There is no grudging in God's benevolence; He does not measure out His goodness as an apothecary counts his drops and measures his drams, slowly and exactly, drop by drop. God's way is always characterized by multitudinous and overflowing bounty." Quote by F. B. Meyer

Another excerpt from "Keep A Quiet Heart" by Elisabeth Elliot
"Blessings taken for granted are often forgotten. Yet our Heavenly Father 'daily loadeth us with benefits' (Psalm 68:19). Think of some of the common things which are nevertheless wonderful:
--the intricate, delicate mechanism of the lungs steadily and silently taking in fresh air 18 to 20 times a minute;
--the untiring heart, pumping great quantities of clean blood through the labyrinth of blood vessels;
--the constant body temperature, normally varying less than one degree;
--the atmospheric temperature, varying widely it is true, but never so much as to destroy human and animal life;
--the orderly succession of day and night, spring, summer, autumn, and winter, so that, with few exceptions, man can make his plans accordingly;
--the great variety of foods, from the farm, the field, the forest, and the sea, to suit our differing desires and physical needs;
--the beauties of each day--the morning star and growing light of sunrise, the white clouds of afternoon, the soft tints of a peaceful sunset, and the glory of the starry heavens;
--the symphony of early morning bird songs, ranging from the unmusical trill of the chirping sparrow to the lilting ecstasy of the goldfinch and the calm, rich, bell-like tones of the wood and hermit thrushes;
--the refreshment that sleep brings;
--the simple joys of home--the children's laughter and whimsical remarks, happy times around the table, the love and understanding of husband and wife, and the harmony of voices raised together in praise to God.
All these and many others come from the bountiful hand of Him 'who redeemeth my life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's' (Psalm 103: 4, 5)
'It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness.' (Lamentations 3:22, 23)
'It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord, and to sing praises unto Thy name, O most High' (Psalm 92:1)"

That is a good starting place for being thankful. Be thankful for the babies you have been pregnant with and the many lessons they have taught you: lessons in compassion toward others who face similar situations, in sensitivity, in knowing how precious unborn life is, and in looking forward to heaven.
Until next time,
Paula

Out of Fashion Sync

When my husband is on shift on Saturdays, I will often spend the night with my parents because I'm over at their house anyway and my church is only a couple of miles from where they live. I came over yesterday and discovered that I forgot to pack a shirt to wear today. Not wanting to go to church in only my bra, I thought this would give me an excuse to buy myself something new to wear. I like having new things, but I HATE to shop. I don't like the styles, I don't like how things look on me, and I just suck at it. After spending over an hour trying on different things, I decided on a pair of jeans and a black flowing long-sleeved shirt. I am wearing it as I type and have been extremely self conscious about it all day. Because of the long, flowing nature, I wonder if tongues at church are wagging and saying, "I thought Paula had a hysterectomy, but she sure looks pregnant!" I know this is the style, but for a woman who has been pregnant 8 times, it's not a good look for me. I do have a figure--not a great one yet, but a figure nonetheless. I don't like the muuumuu look or the thought that someone might mistake me for being pregnant.
When I graduated from high school in 1990, the style was big shirts and ripped jeans. At the time, I weighed 95 lbs. and had a pretty nice figure. After I had several kids, the style was form fitting shirts and skinny jeans. I wish that had been the style when I had the body for it. The high waist, flowing shirts would have been nice when I was pregnant early on and didn't have anything to wear. My body has always been out of fashion sync. I know this subject is off the miscarriage theme, but the whole idea of someone thinking I'm pregnant now when I'm not bothers me, so I guess it remotely relates.
Never the Fashion Queen,
Paula

Blue Denim

This morning before leaving my house, I happened upon a 1959 movie called "Blue Denim". It is a movie about a pregnant 15 year old girl and her 16 year old boyfriend seeking an abortion without either's parental consent. Being the avid pro-lifer that I am, I decided to watch and learn how Hollywood handled the subject of unwanted pregnancy 48 years ago. After Janet and Alfred "go all the way", she finds out she's pregnant. They wonder what they should do, then Alfred decides to talk to a friend of his who had secured the services of an abortionist. I was getting ready and watching at the same time so I didn't really understand this, but this friend is the one who kept telling him it was murder (they used that word) and that Janet would be hurt by the experience. Granted 48 years ago, it was illegal in most states (it WAS legal in certain states before Roe v. Wade) and many "doctors" who performed the abortions were just amateurs in the gynecological field. A pharmacist I worked for years ago knew a dentist who was an abortionist on the side before it was legalized in all 50 states. Sorry to jump around... back to the movie. In the end, Alfred told his parents at the last minute when Janet had already left for the abortion. They found her before she had gone through with it. Alfred stepped up and took responsibility for Janet and the baby and they rode off on a train together. It was time for me to leave by then, so I didn't see the last few minutes of the movie. I was intrigued by the difference in Hollywood's handling of the subject then and now. Then, the characters stopped and thought about how to handle the pregnancy and even agonized over the decision after it was made to have the abortion. Then, decided to make things right before it was too late. The father of the baby also took responsibility for his part in the pregnancy. I can think of a couple of examples of movies made in the last 20 years or so where abortion was the only option, there were no regrets after the abortion, and the baby's father slid off like a snake without any regard for the baby or the mother. It's sad to see the vast contrast between then and now.
On a different, but similar, subject is the story of the Maine middle school that is now authorized to give birth control pills to middle schoolers. That makes me sick. There are so many examples I could make about individuals who are going to do something anyway, so why don't we make it safer for them. Wrong behavior shouldn't be helped along at all and especially wrong behavior that involves kids. One more thing to think about. Think back to when you were 11, 12, or 13. Would you have even remembered to take the pill every day???? I know I wouldn't have. I think that they will just be looking at the same number or more pregnancies by the time these girls use the birth control as an excuse to have sex and then forget to take it. And if it can happen in that school, who's to say it won't happen in all schools???
I'm through ranting. It's just been on my mind.
Paula

Falling Inside the Black

"Falling in the black, slipping through the cracks, falling to the depths. Can I ever go back? Dreaming of the way it used to be. Can you hear me?" --Skillet
In the past month and a half, I have heard of at least 6 pregnancy announcements. I'm thinking that I've heard of more, but I can only recall 6 of them. I am usually OK with the announcements, though I can't say that any of them come with extreme excitement on my part. I just kind of accept them. Two of the announcements are from ladies who had babies around the time Mercy would have been born. This bothers me in particular because I was always the one making an announcement when my baby was 2. Also, their births were especially hard for me back then because I was grieving the loss of my 2 babies.
I was listening to the Skillet song on my daughter's ipod on Friday and the words struck me because I could relate to them so well. It's an awesome song anyway...
Rock on,
Paula

Found

Last Friday, I woke up to an awful stench in my kitchen. We had recently put out mouse poison, so I knew that a mouse most likely "given up the ghost" somewhere in one of the cabinets. After doing the never pleasant sniff test, I figured out which cabinet it was--my card/junk cabinet. I didn't have any time to go through and find the thing, as I was busy from the time I got up until the time I got home at 8:30 p.m., so I left it for Saturday.
Saturday morning, the smell was even more nauseating, so I set to work on finding it early. I took out a couple of boxes and there it was. My oldest daughter, who runs her own "Mouse Disposal Service: $1 per mouse" business, wasn't home, so I paid my second daughter to dispose of it. (Why do it myself if my kids will do it for money?!) Upon picking up the mouse with a plastic bag over her hand, we discovered that it had a baby mouse laying beside it! Great! How many more of the nasty things had died under there?? It turns out that the baby was the only one and it wasn't dead yet. I knew it couldn't survive, but if I thought it had a fighting chance, I would have tried to save it. I'm just that way--I can't stand to see a little thing die!!! I also couldn't bear to kill it, so I waited for my husband to come home and do the job. While we were waiting, my kids sat around looking at it and feeling sorry for it, too. I'm surprised they didn't cry when my dh killed it.
Later that day, I started looking through the boxes of cards I had taken out of the cabinet and in one of them I found my ultrasound picture of Mercy. It was in a card from an acquaintance who'd had 5 miscarriages of her own. My husband and daughter were in the kitchen with me, so I nonchalantly walked out, card in hand, to go to the bathroom and cry. When I was better, I put the card and the u/s photo in my Bible. I haven't looked at it again, but it's there when I want to.
That night, we built a fire in our yard, roasted marshmallows, and made S'Mores. For the first time in a long time, I thought about how things would have been if Mercy wouldn't have died. I would have been freaked out when my little almost 2 year old got near the fire or when he/she got out of the firelight range into the darkness. I didn't cry, but I was quiet and pensive all day and night.
I'm glad I found the picture and am glad that I'll see Mercy again, full of life.
Paula

The Race Was Won

I was introduced to blogging when Amy, the 26 year old daughter of a friend, was diagnosed with leukemia in July 2006. Her family set up a blog for her as a source of information for her family and friends, as well as a place for posting prayer requests. Amy lost her battle with cancer yesterday, but won the prize of eternal life. I've been praying for her and my heart breaks for her family. Her Mom was especially helpful to me when my nephew died almost 9 years ago. Her Mom and I were both close to my sister-in-law and it hurts to know she has to endure the pain of losing a child, the kind of pain we didn't understand (and I still don't).
To read of Amy's struggle and her incredible testimony of the grace of God, visit: wilhoite.blogspot.com
Once again reminded of my gratefulness for eternal life,
Paula

Baby Barrage

I love babies and I've ALWAYS loved babies. When I was little (7, 8, 9 or so), I was the one asking my babysitter if I could change the babies' diapers for her. Many times she would let me, so by the time I had a babysitting job, I could change them pretty well--even cloth ones. Once, a Mom of one of the babies told my babysitter not to let me carry her baby around. I was crushed. I look back now and I certainly would have said the same. I was VERY particular about who held my babies.
This past week, I had the opportunity to hold 2 babies on separate occasions. The first, the newborn from my last post. The other, a 7 month old whose birth I wrote about in February. I truly enjoyed holding them. There's something so wonderful about holding a little someone. I felt the joy that I used to feel before I had kids--the happiness of holding someone else's baby and being able to give him back. It was a little different because now I can't look forward to having my own, but it was joy nonetheless. Every little victory is noteworthy.
Also, this week, I found out that another one of my nieces is expecting. One told me she was a few weeks ago, but she has been spotting. Her hcg levels are going up, but the spotting continues. She will have an ultrasound on the 13th to check on the baby. The one I found about this week is suppose to be a secret, but my mother-in-law told me anyway. I'm anxious and nervous to see how my sister-in-law will tell me. This is the same sister-in-law I've had issues with since my miscarriages. I really felt that I was healing in this area and I really tried to become close to her again, but this feels like a set back for me. I just hope that she doesn't use the cop out way of telling me by just letting the news trickle down to me. I come from a family that knows everything about everybody and I like it that way, but my dh comes from a family that really doesn't tell anyone anything, which aggrevates me to no end! I have to admit that the day I found out she is expecting, I was sad, depressed, and cried several times. I'm thinking maybe I might be hormonal. I never know for sure since I don't have a period anymore, but it's a good excuse. Everyone who doesn't read this blog (my family), seems to think I'm great when it comes to babies. I wish they understood it's not that simple.
I have thought about my feelings a lot since finding out and I think, "Am I really any better 2 1/2 years later?" I think I am, but then I feel really bad again. I don't know if how I feel is normal or not. I don't know anyone in my situation--lost 2 babies and can't have more. It's frustrating.
The only big decision I regret in my life is not trying to have a baby again. I think I'll rue that until the day I die.
Probably hormonal and always missing my babies,
Paula

Is there a cure for the Baby Bug?

I want to start todays entry with a BIG congratulations to my good friend who gave birth to her fifth child and first boy this morning! Congratulations, L!
I have to admit that all week, I've been nervous about hearing her news. I have been very excited and anxious to hear, but I am still in uncharted territory as far as being ecstatically happy for new moms. I can say honestly and very proudly that I am ecstatically happy for her! This is a first for me since losing my babies and my ability to have them.
That brings me to my title: Is there a cure for the Baby Bug? Earlier this week, I cried for the first time in a long time over not being able to have another baby. I thought for a brief minute about looking into adoption again, but we are not financially able to do that right now. I don't know if the excitement over L's baby made me want another one so badly or if my symptoms of the Baby Bug are just rearing their ugly heads again. Some of the symptoms include: aching to hold a baby, missing the poopy diapers and sleepless nights (you know you want one if you think about that stuff), remembering all of the cute, sweet things your babies did, and the general feeling that something is missing from your life. I have decided in my uncertainty this week that it's not so much that I miss my miscarried babies, but I miss terribly having a little one and all of the excitement and joy they bring. I do miss my babies, don't get me wrong, but I think missing being a mom to a little baby is what brings me the most heartache now. It's kind of like going on a vacation to a wonderful place and never being able to go back. A friend and I talked a little bit about the "Bug" and it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I hope her longing is fulfilled the way the Lord wants it to be...
There are a few things that I have yet to do since losing my babies: visit a new mom in the hospital, hold a newborn, watch "Birth Day" on Discovery Health (these types of shows were my favorite when I was anxiously awaiting the births several of my babies), or look at my prenatal books that I never had the courage to get rid of. I did look in my baby names book this week because I was cleaning off bookshelves. I looked at it incessantly when I was pregnant trying to find the right name for each of my babies. It really didn't make me sad, but I guess I had a little pang. I have a lot of those, which is better than a huge heartache. I may be facing 2 of those "firsts" tomorrow. I think I will be fine and in my healing process, I've found that every little victory (holding a baby for the first time after losing one, buying baby things for someone else, being genuinely happy for a new mom or a pregnant woman) are treatments for the Baby Bug. I don't think there is a cure. It's something you just live with.....
Hopelessly incurable, but learning to live with it,
Paula

A Note to the Newly Grief-stricken and their Loved Ones

After learning of a woman who lost twins last week at 20 weeks, I decided that I should put a little note in my blog to those who have found this and have recently lost a baby.
I have written this blog from the perspective of one who has had 1 1/2 to 2 years of healing. Some of the emotions are very raw still, but for the most part, I am OK. For my story and most of the story of my healing since losing my babies, please look at the earliest entries of my blog.
To those wanting to help someone who has lost a baby, my advice would be to:
*remember--the baby's due date, date when he/she was lost, and just the fact that the Mom is healing and will be for a long time.
*send a card--even if there is nothing else to be done, the Mom can keep these as a memory of her baby. I still have the cards from when I lost Christian 14 years ago.
*take food--it's hard to think of anything when you are grieving, so this is something that is always appreciated.
*take time to read up on what your loved one is going through. Even if you've never been there, it is possible to be sensitive to their needs.
*Don't--expect a timeline for your loved one to be better. Everyone heals in their own time. Also, let them grieve in their own way. Some of us go a little wild when we're grieving, including me. I ran from God fast and hard, but eventually, I did come back and He welcomed me back. For a little more about this, read the chapter about grief in the book "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado. (It's a great book with only one chapter about grief, but that chapter hit the nail on the head when it came to my story.)
*Don't--send a birth announcement if you've had a baby, or expect the grieving Mom to want to see your baby. I've been on both sides of the coin on this one. It's hard to want to show your little one off and have another not want to see him/her, but it is even harder to see a baby and long to have your baby back.
For those going through this grief, I'm so sorry. I hope what I've gleaned from the past couple of years will help you.
God bless you,
Paula

The Pregnancy Dream

Since my hysterectomy 16 months ago, I have had a steady stream of pregnancy dreams. Maybe one every couple of months or so. But this week, I've had three. Sunday night, I dreamed I was pregnant, but my belly wasn't getting as big as it should have. At first, the doctor thought something was wrong with the baby, but then he decided everything was fine and I was scheduled for a c-section two days later. I woke up, not pregnant and no baby to look forward to in 2 days. I was depressed for half of the day because the dream was so real. Another time this week, I was pregnant and again they thought something was wrong with the baby because my belly wasn't big. I always got HUGE when I was pregnant, so I'm really not sure why I keep dreaming this. It's never going to happen. I don't know if my hormones are whacked out or what. I have also been having nightmares recently, which is not like me. These are the same kinds of things I always dreamed when I was pregnant. Very weird and depressing.
A good friend of mine is expecting at the end of August. I am looking forward to meeting her little one, but I'm a little nervous about how I'll react to hearing her initial news of the baby's birth. She reads this blog and I've told her before that I want to be brutally honest when I write, so I hope she understands why I'm even posting. It's just something that's been on my mind. You know I love you, L, and I love your baby, too!! I may be just fine when I hear, but the last time I heard of a friend of having a baby, I lost it (psycho February post). We'll see....
On a different note, my biopsy went well. I barely felt the needle used to give me anesthetic and only felt the biopsy needle a little more than that. I swear the anesthetic didn't work, because my boob never did get numb. I have a big bruise on it and it still hurts a little, but it really wasn't that bad. The radiologist who did it told me that if it wasn't an adenoma, it should be. He said it looked just like one. Then after he did the biopsy, which only took about 15 minutes, he told me that he was pretty sure it was benign. Sigh of relief!
There are other things I could write about, but I think I'll leave them alone for now.
Hope you're having a wicked awesome summer,
Paula

I can finally exhale....

After holding my breath for over a month, I finally have an answer to my breast lump. Or at least it's an ALMOST sure one. Benign fibroadenoma. BENIGN! My appointment had been postponed from July 3 to July 26, then the office rescheduled me again for yesterday.
I got the call on Monday morning that I had been pushed up to the 18th. My heart stopped and then my brain quit working. I had been doing a pretty good job of not thinking about it, even though it hurt quite a bit last week. I figured that I wouldn't start worrying until next Tuesday night maybe. After I got off of the phone, I literally couldn't think of anything else until it was over with. I felt like I was on this huge balance of life--if it tipped one way, my life could possibly soon be over and if it tipped the other, I would be fine. In between is a terrible place to be--not knowing how a 15 minute doctor's appointment could change your life. When I signed up to do the Avon walk, I didn't really have a reason. I know now why I walked. I walked for those who are on that balance--waiting for a diagnosis, for the treatments to work, to be told what the next step in their lives might hold for them... Anyway. The doctor gave me three options: 1) wait and see if it changes; 2) go ahead and do a biopsy to be sure it is benign; and 3) go ahead and surgically remove it. I'm not a wait and see kind of person and I think I've had enough surgery in the past couple of years, so those were out. I go in next Thursday for an ultrasound-guided biopsy. It doesn't sound like fun to me, but I'm so giddy about not hearing the "C" word that I'm really not worried about it.
I have thought about 50 different things to write about in the past 2 weeks, but haven't had time to put them into the computer. The subjects ranged from losing the matriarch of my husband's family (Grammy) to my oldest daughter's 13th birthday to the 2 year anniversary of having and losing my little Blessing. I'll cover that one.....
July 17, 2005, I found out that I was expecting for the 8th and final time. I didn't let myself get excited or really even think about the baby that much, for the 3 short weeks I knew I was pregnant. I don't think that numbness helped me in anyway after losing Blessing--I still grieved hard. That little baby deserved to be thought about and be excited over and it wasn't until after I lost her that I realized that. (I don't know why, but I think that baby was a girl. I think Christian and Mercy were boys. It's just a hunch.) I had been a long time since I cried over my baby, but on Tuesday night, I did. I'm bawling right now, too. I guess it doesn't really matter how much time passes--I still miss my babies.....
One of these days, I will write about how I've changed since losing my babies. Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore, be it good or bad, there's a little of both, but I'll get to that another time.
This week has been Vacation Bible School at our church, so I've been running around like crazy.
I'll write more soon,
Paula

My Avon Walk

Sorry it's been so long in posting about this, but I have been very busy this week, recovering and my husband's grandma died, which has made things even busier.
Last Saturday and Sunday, I participated in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in Denver, CO--two fun (?) filled days of walking, talking, aching, and visiting the Medical tent. There is so much to write about, but I'm just going to give a few highlights.
First, I completed the whole walk. 39.3 miles. At least. The first day was suppose to be a 26.2 mile walk, but a lady who was wearing a GPS said hers registered 30 miles. Anyway, it was a long day. There were 800 women and some men who walked--old, young, skinny, heavy, survivors, and those walking in memory or in honor of someone.
Second, the whole event raised $2.2 million! I thought that was an awesome amount considering the number of participants. At the closing ceremony, some of the organizations it goes to were mentioned. One of them was one that helps children whose parents are in treatment for cancer. A Mom and her 2 little boys were representing. When the Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and undergoing treatment, the little boy told her that it wasn't what she looked like on the outside that made her his Mommy, but what was on the inside. Needless to say, I bawled at that one.
Third, the volunteers were amazing!!!!! So very helpful! Some of them were volunteering because they had a wife walking, but some just wanted to help. I met one young man who just thought it would be a good thing to help with, but just found out 5 days before that his sister has breast cancer. When I saw him later in the day, I gave him my little pink ribbon pin to give to his sister. He put it in his cap and gave me a hug. I was glad I'd done it. Another volunteer, an older man, would change his hat each time I'd see him. One time he'd have a pink cowboy hat on, the next he'd have a huge pink furry hat on. It was funny and kept the day interesting. Still another rode a bicycle all day both days checking on us to make sure we were doing OK and were well hydrated. The second day, I heard him tell someone that he'd ridden 87 miles on Saturday! If someone wanted to do something great for the breast cancer cause, volunteering at one of these events is a GREAT idea!
Finally, I'm thinking that this may be the beginning of a bi-annual event! My sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and I are already planning on doing the Avon walk in San Diego in 2 years. I've never been to California, so it ought to be interesting.
To close, my own doctor's appointment has been postponed until July 26 because the doctor will not be in on the 3rd. I am pretty sure that whatever is going on is benign, but I'd still appreciate any prayers you could send up for me.
Thank you and I'll talk to you later,
Paula

Uncertain results

Here is a short update on what I found out.
I called my doctor's office today and they told me that I have a "soft tissue mass". I don't know what that means. I am scheduled to see a specialist in "breast stuff" July 3 to see if I need to have a biopsy.
In the meantime, I am worried, but I suppose there is nothing I can do about that.
Please pray for me,
Paula

Unexpected emotions

It seems like every time I think I'm good and won't cry anymore about my babies, something new pops up unexpectedly to make me. That happened on Monday morning when I called my gyn (she's no longer my ob). I haven't made a phone call to the office since before my hysterectomy 15 months ago. All the memories of calling, excited to know when my first prenatal appointment would be, caught up with me when I heard the voice of the same receptionist that I talked to over 3 years ago when I was wondering if I could go into labor soon because I had lost my mucous plug. I had never lost it that I knew of with my other pregnancies and was hopeful to go into labor early. That didn't happen, but that's another story. Anyway, after I hung up the phone, I started bawling. I came about this close (I'm holding my finger and my thumb about a 1/4 inch apart) to calling you, Angie, but I decided to buck up and quit acting like a baby. I think it should have been time for a period, because I have been awfully weepy this week.
I made the appointment Monday because of a painful lump in my right breast. I talked to the nurse, who set up an ultrasound for today to have it checked out. My last few ultrasounds have ended in bad news, which makes me nervous about this one. I know it's silly to associate negative events of the past with my present, but I still feel that way. I honestly think that what has been bothering me for the past few months is a cyst that I've had for years. It doesn't help that in the past 2 weeks I've heard of 2 women who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'm doing the breast cancer walk next weekend, June 23 and 24. I don't like the irony of it all. I'll post what I find out.
To my walk--I am SO not ready! My longest walk has been 8 miles, which I did last Friday. My oldest daughter is taking a summer school class with my brother, who is an 8th grade science teacher in a local district, so taking her to school and picking her up everyday has totally messed up my schedule! If I am able to walk the 13.1 miles on Saturday and Sunday, I'll be happy.
Have a good day,
Paula

5,823 and other notable events from the weekend

Wow! What a time I had in Ohio! I went into the weekend with a very bad attitude and came out of it planning to do it again next year.
First I want to say that Dresden is one of the friendliest places I have ever been. Everyone is not only very friendly, but very outgoing, too, which I like because I'm not like that. It's small, which I also like, and not real tourist-y.
The first night, we ate at the Longaberger Home Show Experience. It was a nice, simple meal in a building that displayed every Longaberger product. For those not familiar with Longaberger, they specialize in baskets and pottery. I'm not much of a decorator and all of their products are functional, too, so that suits me just fine.
The next day was filled with visiting the factory, shopping, and eating lunch at the Longaberger estate. It, too, was nice and simple. Friday night, my Mom, Sister-in-law, a new friend, and I all went to a restaurant/pub called The Depot for a drink. I'm not usually a drinker, but I'll have one every now and again. We had a blast laughing and enjoying the patio. The weather was perfect that night.
Saturday morning, we went to a private opening of one of the stores called Aimee's. It sells baskets, liners for them, protectors for them, Italian charms, and other little knick-knacky things. They had a contest to see who could guess how many popcorn kernels were in a jar. I had almost forgot about it when they reminded our group to finish guessing, so they could announce the winner. I wrote down my number--5,823. I have 5 living children, I've been pregnant 8 times, and Mercy was due on October 23. I know that's a twisted way of guessing, but that's how I did it. Well, I won! I got a $25 gift certificate on the Italian charms. I found several that describe me: 3 for my lost babies in the birthstone month I lost them, a scrapbooking one, a rock and roll one, a basket, a firefighter, a honey bee, and a few others that I can't remember right off. We met the other ladies at lunchtime at Popeye's, a little 50's style diner on the strip. They had awesome burgers, onion rings, and these little things called "The One Bite Sundae". It was perfect! No guilt because there weren't very many calories. :)
Late in the afternoon, we had appointments to make our own baskets. It was fun and educational. I now have a basket that I made sitting in my kitchen holding my utensils. In the evening, we went over to The Depot again for another drink and karaoke night. I had never been to one before and boy! I don't think I've ever had so much fun! I didn't karaoke, but most of our group did. We were loud and I'm not sure The Depot will ever be the same. Hee. Hee. Jeff Longaberger, one of the heirs, happened to be there and he bought us all a drink. The next morning, he stopped by our Bed and Breakfast to sign baskets and have his picture taken with us. Then we came home. We've all decided that this HAS to be an annual girls' trip.
While I was gone, my husband and mother-in-law moved my boy to a big boy bed. Until now, he's been sleeping in the crib. Last night, my husband took the crib down. It has been in our room, sleeping one baby or waiting for one for almost 9 years. My room seemed really empty last night and I'm sure it'll take awhile to get used to. It's like the last little shreds of babyhood are leaving my home and I can't say I really like it!
I better go. Today is my 4th daughter's birthday. She's 6. Tonight, we're taking her out for dinner.
Until I think of something else to blog about,
Paula

Ohio, here I come!

The title for this post sounds much more excited than I feel. Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Dresden, Ohio to spend a few days with my mom, my sister-in-law, and my sister-in-law's sister (what a mouthful!). We will be touring the Longaberger factory, shopping, and enjoying (?) a little R & R. I am really not looking forward to going. Dreading it is a better word for what I feel. I don't know why. I have never left my children for this long, so it might be that. I don't know my sis-in-law's sis that well. Maybe that's it. I'm not super into the basket thing, so that could be it as well. I'm leaving in 3 weeks for Denver, so I feel like I'm abandoning my family. I'm wondering if it should have been "that time", because I feel really grouchy.
Forgive my whining. Whoever reads this, please say a prayer for us and for my kiddos at home. I'm kind of a control freak with my kids in that I always want to know where they are and what they're doing. Maybe it's because I'm with them 24/7. I just know I'm going to miss them this weekend!
Later,
Paula

Future of the blog, training, and road trip

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been busy and haven't been inspired to write. My blog posting may become less and less. My purpose in starting it was to give an account of where I've been as I have "journeyed" through my miscarriages and I think I've done that. I feel like I've posted on almost everything applicable to my miscarriages. When my nephew died, my brother-in-law made a website in his memory. At first, he would post new information, like how they were doing at the first birthday, the first death anniversary, etc. When I looked on the site on his would-have-been 2nd birthday, the only post there was one about how there was nothing new in death. I feel a little the same way. My situation and my story will never change. I will probably post every couple of weeks just as a sort of diary, but I doubt that much of what I say will have to do with my miscarriages. I honestly feel like I am good (and happy) 99.99% of the time, even when it comes to babies. This blog has helped me to get here and has been sort of a friend to me, who I could vent to about anything and be as brutally honest as I wanted to be.
The past 2 weeks have been filled with walking, taking care of goats, walking, walking, listening to the ipod while I'm walking, and walking. If it sounds really boring, it's because it is! I've been trying to increase my distance and the times I walk to prepare for my Avon walk in Denver next month. I walked 18.6 miles last week and 12.5 so far this week, including a 6 mile walk on Wednesday. This all sounds well and good, except for the fact that I'm suppose to be walking 7 miles on a short walk day and 18 miles on a long walk day. I don't have the time for that, so I'm just walking consistantly and hoping come June 23 that I can suffer through 26.2 miles the first day and 13.1 the second! I am also required to raise $1800 for the walk. I'm only about half there. I hate asking people for money and I'm not good at it either. All of my clothes are fitting looser, but to date I've only lost 2 lbs. I find that to be very discouraging. I'd like to be able to tell people that I've lost sooooo much weight throughout my training. (sigh)
I did have an enjoyable Thursday when I went on a road trip with a couple of my friends. It was nice to get away and I didn't have to walk that day! I'm very thankful to have buddies (there's a difference between a friend and a buddy) to do things like that with and I wish I had been closer to them when I'd had my miscarriages. I really think it would have been easier.
Last night, our church went to a St. Louis Cardinals' game. We got rained on and they lost, but it was still fun. We didn't get home until about 1 a.m., so I crashed at my parents' house so I wouldn't have to drive an extra 40 minutes to get home. I'll probably take a nap when I'm finished writing this.
With that thought, I think I am going to sign off for now. I do hope that those who read this will still check up on me. I may still write if I have any new thoughts or feelings on the subject, but most of it will just be my life as it is now.
Talk to you later,
Paula

My First Mother's Day

This week has been SUCH a busy one. All week, we've been getting things ready for a garage sale. We have had friends and family donate items to it and all of our proceeds will be going to our Avon Breast Cancer Walk next month. There is so much stuff left after a day of selling that I'm not sure we'll get rid of it all! I've also been doing a lot of walking this week. I've logged about 11 miles so far. I'm not sure if I'll get anymore walking done this week with the garage sale tomorrow and then Mother's Day on Sunday, but we'll see. My sister-in-law, who is also doing the walk, has been logging about 20 miles each week. She's so going to kick my butt.
I always enjoy Mother's Day. It's a time when I can show my mom and my mother-in-law that I appreciate them and a time when my kids let me know they appreciate me. I remember my first Mother's Day as a mother. I didn't have a baby to show for my title, but I knew in my heart that I was a Mom. It was May 1993, four months after I lost Christian. Every year my church recognizes the moms by giving them a flower. That year, I sat in the pew, silently crying to myself, as each mom went forward to pick up a flower. One lady, who was pregnant with her 4th child and due the week Christian would have been, was recognized as the woman with the most children. I had no way of knowing this, but that honor would come to me in a few short years. The next year, I was pregnant with G and I was recognized with a picture of a little girl praying with her Mommy (that was the only year I remember that they didn't do flowers). I hung the picture over her crib when we set it up.
That first Mother's Day wouldn't be the saddest for me. Fast forward 9 years to May 2002. My brother and his wife had lost the triplets 2 months earlier. We all (my Mom, sister-in-law, brother, and I) wept as the mothers came to the front of the church to get their flowers. My brother got up, took 3 flowers from the bucket and handed them to BJ. I almost lost it. The next Mother's Day, it was the same. He gave her 3 flowers. I bought her a card for Mother's Day with Precious Moments on it--a baby on a cloud. Fitting, I thought. May 2004, during our prayer time in Sunday school, I said I was thankful for a truly happy Mother's day. M and BJ had adopted McK just before Christmas, so we were very happy. Mother's Day 2 years ago was sad for me, too, but I don't remember crying like I did that first one.
If you have lost a baby and have no other children, you ARE still a mother. You have put all of the emotions into your child that mothers whose children are still with them do, and even some emotions that many mothers never experience (grief, extreme worry, sadness, hopelessness). If your church recognizes mothers, don't be afraid to be recognized or let your husband recognize you by getting you a card or something. You deserve it!!!
Those are my thoughts for the week.
Have a blessed Mother's Day,
Paula

Weep with those who weep--revisited

One of my first posts was about "weeping with those who weep" as in Romans 12. At the time, I still had some unresolved anger/bitterness at people and I'm afraid that post reflected it. I still struggle a little with that, but I'm getting better. This post is about an opportunity to weep with someone who is weeping.
Yesterday, in our homeschool group, I was holding Shannon's baby (from the weepy/psycho post in February). I enjoy holding him, as I always do after I "warm up" to a new baby. I used to warm up as soon as I laid eyes on a baby, but I'm not the same since the miscarriages. It takes awhile. While I was holding him, a lady who lost her newborn son in October walked up to me and asked to hold him. I handed him over and was thinking that she was stronger than I was after I miscarried. A moment later, she said, " I can't do this" and handed him back. I noticed she was crying. She walked out of the room and I gave E to a friend of mine so I could follow her out. My heart broke for her. I hugged her and said, "I couldn't hold a baby for several months after I lost my babies and my babies were very small. I don't know how you did it." She told me that she was able to hold her nieces, but it was something about holding a boy that bothered her. I left her alone and I think she was OK. I got teary eyed talking to her. I remembered the same group, same building a year ago when a lady handed her baby to me and said, "Would you like to hold him?" What was I going to say? I might cry or flip out if I do! No, I just took him and kept choking back the knot in my throat. That was the first baby I held post-Mercy and Blessing. It was also a kind of turning point for me. After that encounter, looking at babies was a little easier and holding them has become easier with each time I've done it.
Last night, when I was thinking it over, I was hoping that she didn't think I was trying to compare my pain to hers. While we both lost babies, what I've experienced is only a taste of the grief she knows. There ARE varied degrees of grieving. I felt them when it came to my own miscarriages. Not that I loved Mercy any more than I loved Blessing, but Mercy was so real to me. My belly started to pooch, I was sick, I had experienced 5 previous healthy pregnancies, so I really thought I'd experience another one. I grieved harder for Mercy than I did for Blessing, but I "knew" Mercy better. I hope she understood that I was only trying to help her. I think she did.
On to another topic. This time of year has always been bittersweet for me. I'm glad to be almost finished with school, but when activities wind down, it makes me feel a little down. My homeschool group is over for the year. It'll start again in August. My kids' PE class ends this Tuesday. I enjoy those 2 days each week because of the friends I see and I'll miss them over the summer (come on, cry with me, Angie). I'm not really crying, but I have been kind of down because of it. When summer comes, I'll wonder how on earth I managed to do school and all of the activities we have during the school year. It's always the same. Summer is never very long and then we'll be back to the old proverbial grindstone for another year. I was like this when I was in school, too. Kind of weird.
Oh, about the pregnant youth from our church. She told her family, who told her they hope she miscarries, not to talk about the baby at all because they don't want to get attached because she's giving it up for adoption (they hope). I was disgusted when I heard their response. First of all, if you don't believe in abortion, why on earth would you wish a baby's death upon this girl? Another thing, if she does give the baby up, these few months will be her only memories of her baby (unless she has an open/semi-open adoption) and talking will help her to remember. Oh, well. It's not my family, so I don't know why I even care!
That's all I have for now.
Later,
Paula

The Weight-ing Game and Other Tidbits from the Week

My name is Paula and I am a food-a-holic. There, I said it. I love food. I love to cook it and I love to eat it! I am not terribly overweight, but I have about 15-20 lbs. that I need to get rid of and I'm having a hard time doing it. I know why I can't lose it. I eat too much. I exercise several times a week. On Monday this week, I actually exercised twice, but the scale hasn't budged. When I got married, I was too skinny. Not by choice. I was just built that way--until I had kids. I've struggled with my weight ever since. It doesn't help that every woman in my husband's family wears a size 2 or 4! My Mom has told me that I'm not fat, but if she were me, she'd feel the same way in that family. Forgive my whining. I'm in a discouraging lull in my workout regimen due to having a cold for the 2nd time in 3 weeks. I was healthy all winter long! But now that I have to get in shape for this Avon walk, I'm sick again. Grrrr! I am going to commit to eating healthier and less and to getting back to my exercising as soon as I feel better! I'll post if I ever lose weight. Wrong attitude... I'll post WHEN I lose weight. Better.
Last night, while cleaning up after dinner, we discovered that our Guinea Pig was dead. The M Household is a dangerous place for animals anymore. Poor Piggy (Miss Piggy, but I always called her Piggy, Piggers, Piggy Wiggy, Pig Wig, Little Pig). I guess she was just old. I don't know how old guinea pigs get, but she was 4 1/2 years old, so maybe that was it. My husband was upset because Piggy used to squeak at him every night when he'd get ready for bed. My kids weren't as upset as they were about Mr. Bo, thank goodness. I'm sad about them both. There are very empty spots in and around our house now--where Piggy's cage was in our front bathroom, where Mr. Bo slept in the garage. We have a lot of animals still in our house, though. Here's an introduction: Whiskers (or Whiskers the Wonder Cat, as I call him)--a gray cat that lounges about our house and watches the mice taunt him :) (on a side note, Poor Whiskers was at a loss when he went into the front bathroom last night and Piggy's cage was gone. And this morning, before I was up, he came into my room and meowed, which is something he never does. Death affects other animals, too). Link (Stinky Weasel to me)--an overly energetic and very aggressive ferret that belongs to my oldest daughter. I never thought I'd like a ferret, but he's fun. When he's out of his cage, he likes to get on my bed and pull off folded socks to hide them under my bed. Dude (the name says it all, so he doesn't have a nick)--a slightly annoying Border Collie, who was Mr. Bo's friend. When Mr. Bo was suffering in my driveway, Dude kept coming over to see what was wrong with him and he had a sadness in his eyes when Mr. Bo was gone. I have a greater appreciation for Dude now. I try to pet him everyday and he doesn't seem nearly as annoying as he used to. Fletch (aka, Fletchbird)--he's a cockatiel, who likes to say his own name, wolf whistle, and whistle part of the Andy Griffith theme song. He also makes little kissing noises and likes it when you make kissy noises back to him. We also have a hermit crab named Hermie, who never comes out of his shell, a hamster named Hamilton, 2 baby goats that we are bottle feeding, and lots of unwanted mice. Why can't the mice die???
I found out this week that one of the kids in our church youth group is pregnant. I was saddened, but for a different reason. Her parents are really good people and I think they've been duped by her. I don't know how they'll take this news. She has told my sister-in-law (bro's wife) that she may give the baby for adoption, but she will not abort. I hope she makes the right decision. She is so dingy (as in goofy, not dirty) that I really don't think she'd make a decent parent.
Tomorrow, I'm going to a homeschool fair and then spending the night with my husband. He has a class in the same area that I'll be. It'll be nice to have a "date" night.
Sorry to talk so long,
Paula

Heaven and a purpose in death

The topic this week in my daily devotional has been Heaven. Here are a few things I've read about.
Who will be there? Our Triune God--Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. All of the angels, the old testament saints, and all believers. (A side note:What about those little ones who never had the chance or the knowledge to be saved? I believe that little ones who are lost immediately go into the presence of the Heavenly Father and that God has a certain time or age when He holds us accountable for our sins. A little child or a baby, born or unborn, isn't aware of it's sinful nature and therefore is not held accountable.)
How will we be different physically? We'll have glorified bodies like Jesus had when He arose on the 3rd day. We know that Jesus had a visible physical form, could just appear in a locked room, and could be touched.
Will we recognize each other? Our bodies will be identifiable. Jesus' followers recognized Him.

Here are some others' thoughts about Heaven:
"All the things that made Earth unlovely and tragic will be absent in Heaven." Billy Graham
"Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret?There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
"We talk about Heaven being so far away. It is within speaking distance of those who belong there. Heaven is a prepared place for prepared people." D.L. Moody
"Hearts on earth say in the course of a joyful experience, 'I don't ever want this to end.' But it invariably does. The hearts of those in heaven say, 'I want this to go on forever.' And it will. There is no better news than this." J.I. Packer
"There will be little else we shall want of heaven besides Jesus Christ. He will be our bread, our food, our beauty, and our glorious dress. The atmosphere of heaven will be Christ; everything in heaven will be Christ-like: yes, Christ is the heaven of His people." C.H. Spurgeon
"The best is yet to be." John Wesley

An acquaintance of mine (a 26 year old mother of a 1 year old) is currently battling leukemia. Two months ago, she was given 2 months to live. She is still fighting with some experimental treatments. She has written in her blog that she had been researching Heaven as if she was going on a trip. It's a good thing for us to think about if we've lost loved ones or, in my case, babies. Just remember that this is temporary. We'll be with them always someday.
Another little thought about a purpose in death. I am very attached to this world. I like living, for the most part. I like doing my thing--taking care of my kids, being with my family and friends, playing my music really loud, cooking, making cards. I could go on and on. I noticed years ago, before I lost Mercy and Blessing, that with each death I endured, I was weaned a little more off of this world. The sting of death (that of loved ones) is relieving the sting of death (my own someday). Each loss makes me more ready for Heaven. I have a lot of people to look forward to seeing: Jesus, Christian, Mercy, Blessing, Ethan, Rebecca, Brianna (the triplets), little Ricky (my 5 mo. old nephew who died), my Grandma and Great Grandma. While I still am attached to living in this world, I can look forward to living in the next and never facing the pain I've gone through in this life.
Til next time,
Paula

The Miracle of Life and the Ugliness of Death

Yesterday held two very different events for me, though when I woke up in the morning, I didn't know it would be that way. My girls got 2 baby goats from a family friend to bottle feed and I ran over one of our dogs and he had to be put down.
Last year, we got goats from the same lady. We bottle fed them and kept them until all three died tragically--all in different ways. We're not really set up to keep goats penned up, so they roamed around our barns, which ended up getting them in trouble. This time around, we will be giving the goats back when they are weaned. The girls named them Princess and Sophia. Princess is white with a light tan face. She's small, but Sophia is so much smaller. She's about half the size of Princess and she has a dark brown face and a white body. I finally found a use for the bottles my children never would take. The goats are using them.
I was on my way home, driving up my driveway, not paying attention. I always pay attention to that little dog because he was always in the way! In the year and a half since we got him (a stray that we got from a friend), I have always paid attention to where he was, but yesterday I wasn't. I knew immediately what I'd done because I felt my Excursion run over something. He was alive, but very badly hurt. He kept trying to get up, but his back legs wouldn't work. I called my mother in law and she said his back was probably broken. My husband was at a class all weekend and he wasn't home yet (why does all the bad crap happen when he's gone???), so I called my dad to come and put him down. My dad has had to put down his share of animals for one reason or another, but he doesn't like to do it. Poor Mr. Bo, the dog, who for a year and a half wouldn't let us pet him, let us pet him and try to keep him comfortable until my dad got there. We all cried, especially my 12 year old, who doesn't usually get upset about anything. When my dad got to my house, we all went inside. I petted Mr. Bo and told him I was sorry. He tried to get up, which just broke my heart so bad. I don't know if God has a place for animals, but I was praying so hard yesterday that He does. We've lost lots of dogs over the past several years and it's always hard, but it is so much harder when it's my fault...
Paula

Miscarrying with a housefull

Tomorrow marks the 2 year anniversary of miscarrying Mercy. I wrote about most of the experience in one of my first blogs. I'd like to write about the difference between my first miscarriage when I had no children as opposed to miscarrying when I had them.
My first miscarriage was spent on the couch drawing up my legs every few minutes because of the pain. I cried for almost 2 hours while the contractions came. They gradually got worse, as in childbirth, and eventually stopped all together. I was so relieved when it was over with that I couldn't cry anymore. At least not until the next day and everyday after for over 9 more months. It was quiet, except for my crying and my dogs checking on me trying to figure out what was going on.
When I lost Mercy, I started contracting early in the morning. I had awaken to spotting, which I had not done until that time, even though I had known for over 2 weeks that my baby was dead. I got breakfast for my children and turned Sesame Street (at the time, we didn't have satellite). Every few minutes, I'd close my eyes and breathe. I always did that when I was in labor--close my eyes and breathe slowly in and slowly out. When I was in labor with my kids, I used to say in my head "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" over and over until each contraction was over. I don't remember doing that when I was miscarrying because Jesus felt very far away from me at that time. My son, who was only a year old, started fussing, so I decided to go ahead and nurse him. I didn't know if that would make the contractions harder or if the bleeding would be heavier. I decided I didn't care. My doctor had told me when we found out that Mercy had died that if I bled a pad an hour to get to the Emergency Room. After my son nursed, I went to the bathroom and from the time I stood to the time I got to the bathroom, my pad was soaked. I immediately freaked out, as I had 5 children with me and I live 25 minutes from the ER. It wasn't like I could drive myself, so I called my husband. He's a firefighter and couldn't get off because they were shorthanded that day. My Mom was having blood work done to test for diabetes, so I called my dad, who picked me up and drove me in. By the time I got to the ER, I had been bleeding heavily for over an hour. I walked in and had to get immediately to the bathroom. I bled all over my pants. It was awful because I then had to come out of the bathroom and tell someone what was happening. Thankfully, there was a nurse walking by when I came out and she put me directly in a room. Several hours later, my doctor came in to check on me and everything had passed. She didn't see a baby. I was finally released and I left the hospital feeling physically like I'd just had a baby, but with no baby to show for it.
Four months later, I found myself in the same situation, except I was at my parents' house this time. Once again my dh was working and couldn't get off. It took me awhile to get over that one--suffering through 2 miscarriages alone. I made dinner for my kids because my Mom had a meeting after work. The contractions picked up, along with the bleeding. After sitting on the toilet bleeding for 3 hours, I finally listened to my Mom who told me I needed to go to the ER. Several times during that 3 hours, I almost passed out, so I'm surprised she didn't just load me up and take me. She and my sister-in-law (my bro's wife) went with me and stayed there all night while I bled and eventually had a D&C. The three of us are pretty good about making the best out of a bad situation and I was really glad they were there to lighten the mood. One of the most memorable laughs we had was when the ER doc came in and started to look in my ears. He knew I was miscarrying, so I'm not sure why he did that, but we laughed so hard when he left! I still smile when I think of that.
All of my miscarriage experiences were different and all of them were tragic and a very sad part of my life. I am glad, though, that I have a wonderful family who is willing to bear those kinds of burdens with me.
Paula

This and That

I don't have lot to write about this week, so I'll just talk a little about things that are on my mind and going on in my life.
The school year is finally coming to a close. We probably still have a month's worth to go, but at least we have all of our hours in. We are preparing for a science fair next Friday in our homeschool group, so all week has been busy running experiments and taking notes!
G, my oldest, found our video recorder yesterday. We haven't used it in years. The tape in it was one of her 5th birthday party (she'll be 13 in July). I watched a little of it. My 3rd, B, was just a little baby. My heart ached for the old times when I had a baby and was happy. I am happy most of the time now, but I still have that ache that I think will never go away. It also made me ache inside to think that it had been that long since we used it. So many years lost by not recording special things like that.... Two kids who didn't even make it on the videos! That's something I'll have to remedy. Start taking more home video...
I had my hair colored today (for those friends who read this, this time it's red, but not as red as last time :) ). My friends laugh because I always seem to have a different hair color. My niece, who does my hair, was telling me that another niece of mine is trying to get pregnant. I wonder how I'll handle that one when an announcement is made. I've been in kind of a funk lately, but I'm not sure why. Maybe when I get news about her, I'll be better.
Have a blessed Easter,
Paula

Books and Things

When I was growing up, there was a bookstore in my hometown called "Books & Things". When we'd go there, my brother and I would stand in the children's section while my parents looked around. It's such a nice memory. My favorite book that I got there was called "101 Things to do with a Dead Cat". It was a humorous cartoon book with 101 illustrations of what you could do with a dead cat (hence, the name...), much like the kind of humor seen in Gary Larson cartoons. I don't condone violence to cats or any other animal, but it was a funny book. My topic for today is about books and things that have helped me on my miscarriage journey.
When I lost Christian, I bought a book called "Empty Arms" by Pam Vredevelt. It was kind of a "how to" about getting through a miscarriage and subsequent pregnancies written by a woman whose baby died at 5 months. Like me, she went to the doctor for a scheduled appointment only to find out that her baby was dead. One quote I learned reading her book, which I said to myself every other time I've been pregnant, was "Let go and let God." I said that SO many times when I was pregnant with my oldest and when I was pregnant with my 4th (I actually spotted when I was pregnant with her and am now convinced that God really intervened to keep her with me).
The next book is "A Deeper Shade of Grace" by Bernadette Keaggy. I bought this book several years ago just to loan to women who had been through a miscarriage but I didn't actually read it until last summer when I decided to let go of my anger toward God and let Him heal me. Bernadette lost 6 (I am pretty sure, but can't remember right off), including a set of triplets like my bro and sis-in-law. In the book, she touches on anger at God, which is really what I needed to hear.
A pamphlet put out by Focus on the Family called "Permission to Grieve: Finding Healing and Hope after Miscarriage" is the next one I'd like to talk about. I got this one from a crisis pregnancy center that had a booth at a Christian music festival I went to. It would be good for anyone who has had a miscarriage as well as those who know someone who has had one. Lots of good information on what to say and do for a grieving mother/family. A favorite quote that I've posted on miscarriage message boards and another blog is: "The human soul has no size." My babies were all very small when they died, so that holds particular significance for me. It can be obtained at www.family.org/pregnancy
The final book I'll talk about is one my sister-in-law loaned me after her son died. It is called "Dear Cheyenne" by Joanne Cacciatore. Ms. Cacciatore's daughter Cheyenne died just before she went into labor with her. The book is in diary form and is full of the raw emotion a grieving mother feels. This book would be good for someone whose baby died farther along or for one whose baby died shortly after birth (my nephew was 5 1/2 months). It is not written from a Christian perspective (the author has ideas that her daughter turned into an angel, etc.), but it is a good book.
A website that I've found comfort through is the National Share organization. I'll look up the web address and post it in a minute. A few minutes later: nationalshareoffice.com
All of these resources are good, but nothing can beat the sensitivity of a friend or family member who sends a card to let you know they're thinking of you or who just asks you how you are. I was in a situation with a little baby yesterday and a friend asked me how I was doing. It was nice to know she cares (thanks, A :) ). I did do well and even held the baby. I actually enjoyed it!
Until next time...
Paula

The Little Things

"The little things, the little things, they always hang around.
The little things, the little things, they try to break me down." --Good Charlotte

I love rock music. Sure, most of the lyrics aren't very constructive, but I love the beat! In this post, I'd like to write, as the band Good Charlotte did, about the little things. Things I remember about my babies.
This Thursday and Friday mark the 2 year anniversary of finding out that Mercy was dead. I am actually doing very well with the exception of a little crying spell this morning when I was thinking. At the more formal ultrasound performed on March 30, 2005, I was given a picture of my little Mercy. The u/s technician asked me if I wanted a picture, which I thought was very sensitive of her. I said "yes" being so glad that I'd have a little something from my baby. In the photo, Mercy is about the size and shape of a bean. Nothing is distinguishable as a baby, but it's the only picture I have. Shortly after I miscarried, I put that picture away because it was too hard to look at. I thought I'd put it with my son's ultrasound pictures, but when I looked for it this morning, I couldn't find it. I hope it turns up... While looking for the u/s photo, I came across a picture of myself, my oldest daughter, my dh, and my son when we were picking G up from camp. I was pregnant with Blessing at the time. I had on my Mom's stretch size 14 capri's and a borrowed shirt from my Mom, too. My belly would always start pooching quite well as soon as I found out I was expecting, which brings me to my next little thing. When I was pregnant with Mercy, I would wake up in the morning with my hand on my little pooch. That was one thing I missed so much after I found out he/she had died. I was thinking about it this morning and it shows how much a mother loves her baby--even subconsiously, Mercy was always on my mind.
That's enough of my sad post. I am in a very good mood today--spring has sprung and the world is alive with color! I love it!
Paula

Remembering the Triplets

I have posted before about my triplet nephew and nieces who were born too soon five years ago. Today, I'd like to talk about them. Today is their birth/death day.
When my brother and his wife, M and BJ, got married, we knew they probably would not have children on their own. In September 2001, they started trying to have a baby by using fertility drugs. The drugs consisted of 2 very painful shots per day, lovingly administered by my brother, to stimulate ovulation. They were told before they started this regimen that this type of medication had a 50% chance of producing multiples, so we were semi-prepared for that possibility. At the time, I was working at a local crisis pregnancy center. BJ called me one evening and told me that she thought she was pregnant. She wasn't suppose to start her period for another day or two, but I told her I'd run a test on her if she wanted to come in. Sure enough, she got a very pink positive. I've ran enough tests on myself and others to know that a very pink positive that early wasn't very normal, so I immediately thought she might be expecting twins (2 weeks earlier, an ultrasound showed that 3 eggs were "ripe" and going to be released when they gave the shot to make them release).
A few weeks later, we were VERY shocked to learn that there were definitely 2 babies and maybe a 3rd. There was a slight shadow on the screen behind one of the babies. Two weeks after the initial u/s, it was confirmed that there were 3 babies in BJ's womb. We were all so excited and spent the next couple of months preparing for the BIG family event! BJ's pregnancy was very eventful. She was violently ill most of the first 3 months and EXTREMELY tired. The doctor put her on progesterone until the 1st trimester was over. When she was 3 1/2 months, I was able to go to the specialist's visit with them. She did an u/s to check up on them. Everything looked great. It was so wild to see that many babies on an u/s. All you could see were backbones and legs! At about 4 months, they had another u/s which told them they were having 2 girls and a boy. One of the girls was sucking her thumb in all of the u/s pictures. It was so cute.
On March 6, BJ went to the hospital for some contractions she was having. They told her she had just overdone it. March 14, same thing. At 1:30 a.m. March 15, my mom called me telling me M and BJ were in the hospital. She was fully dilated and was definitely going to lose the babies. She was only 21 weeks along. Our hospital will only ship a woman out if she is 24 weeks to try to save the babies.
I went to the hospital and "coached" BJ through contractions. Her insensitive doctor finally allowed her to have an epidural early in the morning, which brought physical relief, but none for the heart. The room was quiet. No fetal monitor was hooked up to her, but we could hear one in the next room over. Very depressing.... I went home at about 9 to shower and rest a few hours.
At about 2:00 p.m., Ethan Matthew, Rebecca Jo, and Brianna Rae came into the world, alive, but totally silent. I arrived shortly after and my family (Dad, Mom, Uncle) and some church friends spent the next 2 hours holding the babies, looking at them, and taking pictures of them. At about 4:30, the girls both died, and Ethan died shortly after. He was the first to come into the world and the last to leave. It was like he was trying to be a good big brother to watch out for his sisters. Before they all died, my brother held each of them and to each he said, "I love you and you will always be my favorite Ethan/Rebecca/Brianna." I left after the nurse took them away. When I got into my car, the song that was on the radio was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. It's a song about what we'll see in Heaven. I have never been able to listen to that song since without much sadness.
March 18, a funeral was held at our church cemetary for them. One small casket with 3 little babies in it... My dad, who is a blacksmith, made a very large flower hanger in the shape of a cross, with 3 little children on it holding hands.
I struggled with the knowledge that nothing was done for BJ or the babies to try to save them for a long time. A few months after they died, my husband was called to set up a helicopter landing site for twins born at 24 weeks in the same hospital the triplets were born at. Both of the babies ended up dying. After that happened, I looked on it as such a mercy from God that the babies were not any older. We got to hold the triplets and spend their only 2 hours on our earth with them. The woman who lost her twins did not get that. Her babies were whisked away, never to be seen alive by her again.
I've written in other posts about my being pro-life. I have seen and held a 21 week old baby. It IS a baby--looks just like a full term baby, only very small. I don't see how women or anyone can justify the taking of an innocent life, whether it is 5 weeks old in it's mother's womb or 35 weeks old in it's mother's womb (yes, abortion CAN be performed until birth). While we were having a funeral for the triplets, other babies the same age were being tossed out as hospital waste. The thought makes no sense to me and it makes me sick....
Six weeks after the triplets were lost, BJ went in for her 6 week checkup. It was then that we learned that the girls were identical twins. Brianna, who was 3 ounces smaller than Ethan and Rebecca, was the shadow on the first u/s. I read up on this and it is possible for a twin to "split off" up to a week after conception. If it occurs after a week, siamese twins form. The doctors think Brianna was just a few days younger than the other 2.
I have shed more tears writing this one than any of the other posts I've written. We all miss those babies, but a year and a half later, we saw God's reasoning when M and BJ adopted a little black girl they named McKenzie. She is such a blessing to our family and we are thankful that God's ways are higher than ours...
Paula

My boy's 3rd birthday

Yesterday was my baby boy's 3rd birthday. I know 3 isn't really a baby anymore, but he still seems like a baby to me.
All day, I was sad thinking about the day he was born--my water breaking in the middle of the night, the 4 contractions I actually felt before I got my epidural (those ARE wonderful things!), anxiously awaiting my little Susanna Joy to be born, as we had 2 ultrasounds telling us we were having our 5th girl, and the total shock and joy we felt when my Mom said "It's a boy!" with a whole lot of disbelief in her voice! Well, my little Sean E. Man as we call him, has always been a surprise to us. I tell people I could have had the 4 girls all at once and not be as busy as he makes me. I do love the little guy, though. Yesterday, I grabbed him and said something about him being my baby boy. He said in his little voice, "I'n not a baby. I'n a big boy." He certainly is getting to be....
I know those things aren't things I should be sad about, but for a long time, I couldn't think about the days my kids were born because it made me too sad. I feel like I never had closure to my child-bearing. After Sean was born, I suffered from postpartum depression. I was never on medication for it, but probably should have been. After I lost the babies, I wished so hard that I could have just been happy after he was born. Oh, well, water under the bridge...
I am a happy person now. It's taken me 3 long years (with a short stint between the PPD and my 1st miscarriage), but I am finally trying to live again.
I mentioned in an earlier post about doing the Avon Breast Cancer Walk in Denver. It's official. I signed up a few weeks ago and now am training and fundraising. I'll be posting more about it as the June walk dates near.
I better go. I'm walking on my Mom-in-law's treadmill today.
Paula

Steak and Potato Soup

I have noticed on my journey after my miscarriages that really stupid things are capable of making me sad. The other night, I was looking through a cookbook for menu ideas and came across a recipe (Steak and Potato Soup) that my husband made after my hysterectomy. My hysterectomy was one of my lowest points emotionally because it marked the total end of hope that I'd ever give birth again. It made me sad to see the recipe. Two weeks ago, I saw a picture of me in my husband's firefighter uniform that was taken when I was pregnant with Mercy. We had gone on a Girl Scout field trip and I got to model the uniform. I remember it being hard to zip up because my belly had already started to pooch. I almost cried when I saw it. My oldest was taking a 4-H project about amphibians and reptiles after losing Mercy. She had to "hatch" baby salamanders. When one would "hatch", I would think, "Why are these little things living while my baby is dead." Just something weird I've been thinking about...
I saw 2 little babies yesterday--I realized last night when I was thinking about them that I respond like a robot on the inside when I see babies or hear about someone who is pregnant. My outward reaction is typical--"what a cute baby", "how much did he weigh when he was born", that kind of thing, but inwardly, I feel nothing--no happiness, no sadness.
I've found after starting this blog that I am compelled to write almost everything I feel. I guess since it's mine, I'm entitled to do that.
Paula

The Valley Song

I am much better today. Shannon had her baby before I went to pick up her kids, so I got the big announcement from her mom. I didn't cry. I am glad I went to my homeschool group. A friend, who has not lost a baby, called me after it was over with and asked me if I was OK with all of the babies coming into the world. I was so grateful that she thought about me, especially with her not having "been there".
When I wrote the post about my notebook I keep, I mentioned "The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay. I wrote it in my notebook the evening I found out that Blessing had died. It's a song that was popular on the Christian music station about 5 years ago. I used to listen to it and think of triplet nieces and nephew lost to my brother and sister-in-law around that time. I would always cry. Here are the words....

You have led me to the sadness, I have carried this pain
On my back, bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to You.
(Chorus)
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.
When death like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face.
But I fear You aren't listening
Because there are no words.
Just a stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures.
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.
Alleluia. Alleluia.
Alleluia. Alleluia.
While we wait for the rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut.
Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down.
I will sing of Your mercy
That brings us through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.
Alleluia. Alleluia.

The part about death stealing what I love always got me. It's so true. I don't know at what moment death stole my babies. It was so quietly done. I am thankful, though, that life begins at conception and that my babies are alive forever, along with Ethan, Rebecca, and Brianna (my nephew and nieces), and Ricky (my nephew who died when he was 5 months old) and that I will see them again...
Paula
P.S. Angie, if you read this, I fixed it to where you could comment if you want to. You don't have to, but I realized today that you couldn't!

The Old Ache

I need to vent. Right now, my eyes are red and I have a lump in my throat from too much crying. It all started yesterday when I called a pregnant friend to see if I needed to pick up her kids for a homeschool group function. She told me that she was having contractions 30 minutes apart. I felt the old familiar pang, but I didn't shed tears until later in the evening. Yesterday was such a great day. We went on a family outing to the St. Louis Science Center and I went home and made a dinner that I know my whole family likes. Then I made dessert. I never do that. It was to be a Valentine's dinner because my husband worked on Valentine's Day. Talking to my friend bothered me a little, but I held up fine until later in the evening when my dh got mad about something. I'm not even sure what, but I felt like my efforts to make a special dinner and dessert went unappreciated. Then, all of my feelings about my friend's pregnancy and impending birth caught up with me. I cried after my dh went to bed. I woke up this morning not really feeling any better. I didn' t cry though, until I got a message from my friend's husband telling me they are in the hospital. I managed to call her back and keep my composure. She was a 6 1/2 cm dilated, so I'm sure she'll have her baby today. In the background was the familiar "thump, thump, thump" of the fetal monitor. I haven't heard that wonderful sound since my son was born. I got off the phone and have pretty much been crying ever since... Will I EVER be better?????? How will I react when I hear that her baby has been born? I'm afraid to know. I have to pick up her other kids later. I hope I don't lose it... And to top it all off, I fell on my butt getting out of the car at my parents' house because of ice. I'm bawling now. Why is it when you feel sad you feel completely tired and weak? I don't want to go to my homeschool group today. We're having a formal luncheon to talk about manners. My make up is a total mess and I just want to be alone.....
Hopefully I'm better next time I post,
Paula

A New Found Freedom

I have never been very secure in myself. I don't like to be in charge of things and I don't like to do things by myself. I'm not overly friendly and I'm sure more than one person thinks I'm probably stuck up because I just don't talk well with people until I really get to know them. I'm in the process of changing that. I am doing something that is really taking me out of my comfort zone--I am becoming a distributor for a rubber stamp company. I love to make cards and scrapbook, so I think doing this will help me make a little extra money and maybe give me a little more self confidence. Another thing I am seriously considering is doing the Avon cancer walk in Denver this year. My sister-in-law invited me and others in our family to do it with her. It is a 39 mile walk over the course of 2 days. What a stretch to convince myself that I can do it! I did 2 5K runs 2 years ago (I was pregnant with Mercy during one of them and wondered until I lost Blessing if running was the cause). They were a boost to my sense of "I can do it".
I know this is all very much off subject, but these are things I can do now because I am not pregnant or nursing a baby. I have finally accepted my lot as one who will not bear more children. The end of baby hood is looming before me--my son will be out of diapers soon. I haven't been free of diapering a little one for almost 13 years. I don't have to watch my son quite as much as I have in the past because he is getting older and a little more predictable. It is a freedom that I didn't think I would readily embrace. I would still adopt a baby in a heartbeat if $25,000 happened to fall into my lap, but I am OK if I never have a baby again...
Sorry it's off the subject, but I just had to share,
Paula

Post miscarriage thoughts

I keep a notebook of prayer requests and quotes or Bible verses I like. I was looking through the one I kept when I lost the last 2 babies and here are a couple of things I wrote at that time.
3/30/05
Dr.'s appt. yesterday--ultrasound didn't show a baby. Req.--go today for a more advanced ultrasound--please let there be an alive, healthy baby!!! I also need peace--I'm a mess.
Later--baby died at about 6 wks. Now I get to wait to miscarry.
"For You will light my lamp, The Lord my God will enlighten my darkness." Psalm 18:28
5/14/05
"If He bids us carry a burden, He carries it also." Charles Spurgeon
6/14/05
"Faith is the deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time." Oswald Chambers
7/17/05
Found out I'm pregnant again today. Nervous, but trying to be excited...
Lord, please let this baby live, & bless us with a healthy, strong baby at the end of 9 months. In Jesus' Name, Amen
8/9/05
Found out again that my baby died. (After this, I wrote out the words to "The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay. I will post them in the future.)
9/27/05
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy & peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
10/13/05
I feel so alone. Mercy would have been due in 1 1/2 weeks. I've been grieving hard all month thinking about how it should have been--me, big & uncomfortable, timing every pain just waiting to meet my new little one... Then, I think about how it is--aching inside for the little one I won't know in this life; watching so many other women with their big bellies & hearing about their new babies. It's so hard. I swear no one remembers & if they remember, they certainly don't care enough to let me know that they do. Such a large burden to bear alone... I feel like my life has stopped & like I'll never feel happy again. I want a baby so bad & I just don't know if that'll ever happen again. If I never have another baby, will I always feel so sad and depressed all the time? I wish someone would care enough to ask how I am...
(That was one of the lowest times. I have finally come to a point of feeling happiness again, though it took a LONG time to get there.)

I will never have a baby again. I had a hysterectomy in Jan. 06. We considered adoption, but it is so expensive that it wasn't a viable option for us. I'll write more about that another time.
Paula

Christian's Story

January 30th marked the 14th anniversary of losing Christian. I had wanted to post that day, but didn't get a chance.
Christian's story actually started in May of 1992. That's when I officially went off the pill and went on what I used to call the "quest for baby". I went to the ob/gyn in St. Louis, where I was living at the time, to make sure all of the necessary parts were there, etc. We tried to get pregnant and month after month I was disappointed when I'd start my period. At the time, I was in pharmacy school, but I soon changed my mind and applied to nursing school in my hometown. This was in January, 1993. About 3 days before I found out I was pregnant with Christian, I remember telling my husband that if it didn't work that month, I was going to go back on the pill and see nursing school through. Well, Friday, Jan. 22, I bought a pregnancy test and got a faint (barely there) pink positive. I look back and think that the faint pink was a sign that something was already wrong. I was overjoyed! I called my ob and they told me to come in before work the next day for a confirmation test. It, too, was positive, so I went to work and blabbed to everyone that I was pregnant!
At that time, I was working in a pharmacy that was in the same building as an abortion clinic. I look back now and cringe to think I used to work close to such a place. I have always been staunchly pro-life, but I guess I've become even more so through years of life experiences, knowledge of prenatal development, etc. That Saturday, the pro-lifers were out in force because it was the 20th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. I remember a "pro-choice escort" walking me into the building and apologizing for the ruckus. I told her it was "OK". After my miscarriage, I would never tell young ladies who asked me where the abortion clinic was because it made me so mad that they were getting ready to have their's killed when all I wanted was one of my own!
I went through Sunday buying a baby name book and a couple of other books to see me through my pregnancy. Monday, I went to the doctor and everything looked fine. Tuesday, I was OK. On Wednesday, when I was at work, I started spotting. I started crying and called my doctor who told me to take it easy, and that since it was brown, it was probably just old blood. Not to worry too much. Thursday and Friday were spent on the couch and on Friday, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, D, came up to bring me some herbs that D's midwife said might help. I started drinking them faithfully, but to no avail. On Saturday, the bleeding picked up and by afternoon, I was cramping really bad. They were like no menstrual cramp I've ever had--so much worse. Every few minutes, I'd get another one. For 2 hours I cramped and cried, knowing it was over. Finally, the cramps stopped. The doctor's office told me to collect whatever clots I passed, so I did. I never did see a baby in them, though I did look for one. I know it is gross, but it was my first baby!!
A few days later, I went to the doctor. The nurse hugged me when I went in, even though she didn't know me. I thought that was so nice. Then the doctor (a man), said to me "What can I say? These things happen." I thought that was rather insensitive.
I grieved for my baby really hard for months. I wanted to die because the pain was so great. I used to look at my book "A Child is Born" every month to see what my baby should have looked like and I'd wonder how big I'd be. This went on through my would-have-been due date, September 20. In that week alone, I knew 2 women who had babies, one of them on my Mom's birthday. I wondered if that could have been me. The day after that, a sister-in-law announced that she was pregnant for the first time. We were staying with my in-laws at the time while our house was being built (we had already moved home from St. Louis) and my sister-in-law was there to make the announcement. I sat there composed for about 15 minutes, then went to my room and cried harder than I'd cried the previous 8 months. I remember my husband coming in and telling me that if we had to try a hundred times to get a baby we would. I don't remember if that made me feel any better. I was a little better the next morning, which was good, because I then started the last period I'd have for 9 months. I got pregnant with my oldest daughter 2 weeks later. On the first anniversary of losing Christian, I cried, even though I was several months along with G. I didn't actually even give Christian a name until about the 2nd year anniversary of losing him/her. That's when I decided I needed to give him/her one because it was my baby.
I'm sorry this is so long. I actually thought I had lost it when I was almost finished, but somehow it came back up. Thank you, God!
Paula