I know in my last post, I said I'd talk about books I've found to be helpful on my journey, but I'll get to that one another time. I want to talk about weeping with those who weep.
The Bible tells us to "rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15. Since I started my journey on March 29, 2005, I have found that not many are willing to weep with one who is weeping.
First, I want to talk about those wonderful friends and acquaintances who took the time to send me a card, pray for me, and ask me every once in awhile how I'm doing. I was thankful for them all, especially the ones who had been there before and knew it wasn't something I was going to be over quickly. I appreciated the listening ears who listened to me cry, be angry, and feel hopeless. I always felt a little more hopeful and less angry when I was done talking to them.
Now, to those who really didn't acknowledge my pain. There were those friends who went about their merry way, having their babies, never asking me how I was doing. I can think of 2 examples in particular. The first, I admit, was the hardest one for me to deal with, and still is. This lady (a relative), who had miscarried three times as well, and lost a son when he was a baby didn't even send a card when I lost either baby. There are those friends you don't expect to send a card, but I would have expected one from her. That really hurt, especially since I remembered her baby's birthdate and death date every year (for 7 years) by sending her a card to let her know I was thinking about her. It made me feel like my babies weren't important enough for her to acknowledge... She never once asked me how I was unless I brought up the subject first. I'm still not over this one.
The second example is of a woman whose baby was born around the time Mercy would have been due (wrote about her in the last blog). When I was at my lowest point (last year, right before my hysterectomy), I was at a function with her and I was crying (another friend was with me, so it wasn't like I was blubbering to myself). She didn't acknowledge me when she saw me crying and then, when I had composed myself, came up, said "HI", and went to a corner in the same room and proceeded to nurse her baby. I just thought that was very unthoughtful. I have forgiven her. She's not really a thoughtful kind of person, so I'm trying not to take it personally.
I need to wrap up because I'm going to be late to a play I'm suppose to go to, but I want to end with this: if you know someone who has experienced a miscarriage or lost a baby, use the knowledge (and empathy) you have gained to help comfort them. Be thoughtful and mindful of others who are in this grief.
That's my rant. Maybe next time, I'll talk about the books.
Paula
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
Handling baby news
This past week, I've had 2 baby announcements to endure. One from a friend, who told me she is expecting a baby in August. Another from an acquaintance, who had a baby on Saturday.
I have to admit that I am handling baby news much better than I used to. I was genuinely happy for my friend when she told me and I didn't cry or get very upset when I received the email about the birth 2 days ago.
I was expecting an email birth announcement, so I've been preparing myself mentally (and emotionally) for it. So far, I've found that to be the easiest way to handle news. Prepare, so I'm not caught off guard.
I am getting much better, especially the past 3 months or so. A girl at my church had a baby on Oct. 23--my due date in 2005 with Mercy. I cried much of the day and after I found out that the baby had been born, but she (the baby) has really been an instrument of healing for me. I see her every Sunday and am watching her grow. I got through her dedication ceremony without any tears falling (they were in my eyes and I had a huge knot in my throat). I've held her several times and have had her "talk" to me. That was particularly hard because it brought back so many memories of my kids when they were babies. I miss not having a baby so bad! The Mom nurses her and is always asking me questions about it. I nursed each of my kids exclusively until they were between 18 and 22 months. I miss that, too, but it really does heal me to face these things. I feel like each thing I face is another victory and another piece to the puzzle of healing and acceptance.
When I first lost Mercy, I knew lots of women who were due with babies within a month or two or me. Everytime I would see them, I would have to find someplace to get away (usually my car, as I would see them in passing), so I could completely break down. And I would. Cry. Sob. Be angry. One woman in particular was due 5 days before Mercy was due, so I took her food before her baby was born (that way I didn't have to see the baby after it was born). It was a little measure of healing. Everytime I see her little girl, I think, "My baby should be that age by now." I saw her last month at my niece's wedding and for the first time, I could look at her without great sadness. I still thought that I should have a baby that age, but I didn't feel like I was going to lose it.
I've never kept a blog before, so I don't know when what I have to say becomes just rambling, so I'm signing off for now. Next time, I think I'll write about books that have helped me through this adventure.
Paula
I have to admit that I am handling baby news much better than I used to. I was genuinely happy for my friend when she told me and I didn't cry or get very upset when I received the email about the birth 2 days ago.
I was expecting an email birth announcement, so I've been preparing myself mentally (and emotionally) for it. So far, I've found that to be the easiest way to handle news. Prepare, so I'm not caught off guard.
I am getting much better, especially the past 3 months or so. A girl at my church had a baby on Oct. 23--my due date in 2005 with Mercy. I cried much of the day and after I found out that the baby had been born, but she (the baby) has really been an instrument of healing for me. I see her every Sunday and am watching her grow. I got through her dedication ceremony without any tears falling (they were in my eyes and I had a huge knot in my throat). I've held her several times and have had her "talk" to me. That was particularly hard because it brought back so many memories of my kids when they were babies. I miss not having a baby so bad! The Mom nurses her and is always asking me questions about it. I nursed each of my kids exclusively until they were between 18 and 22 months. I miss that, too, but it really does heal me to face these things. I feel like each thing I face is another victory and another piece to the puzzle of healing and acceptance.
When I first lost Mercy, I knew lots of women who were due with babies within a month or two or me. Everytime I would see them, I would have to find someplace to get away (usually my car, as I would see them in passing), so I could completely break down. And I would. Cry. Sob. Be angry. One woman in particular was due 5 days before Mercy was due, so I took her food before her baby was born (that way I didn't have to see the baby after it was born). It was a little measure of healing. Everytime I see her little girl, I think, "My baby should be that age by now." I saw her last month at my niece's wedding and for the first time, I could look at her without great sadness. I still thought that I should have a baby that age, but I didn't feel like I was going to lose it.
I've never kept a blog before, so I don't know when what I have to say becomes just rambling, so I'm signing off for now. Next time, I think I'll write about books that have helped me through this adventure.
Paula
Friday, January 12, 2007
An introduction
My name is Paula. I am 35 years old and have been married to my high school sweetheart for 15 years. I have 5 living children--4 girls and a boy and 3 babies in Heaven--Christian (lost 1/93), Mercy (lost 4/15/05), and Blessing (lost 8/10/05). This blog is an account of the journey I've been on since I lost Mercy and Blessing.
All of my babies were lost early--I was 7 weeks along with Christian, 12 weeks along with Mercy (Mercy died at 6 weeks, we found that out when I was 10 weeks, and I miscarried 2 weeks later), and 8 weeks along with Blessing.
Christian was my first pregnancy. After I lost that baby, I experienced sadness and jealousy of others who were having babies. I did heal, but I remember every year my miscarriage date and my would have been due date.
Mercy was my 7th pregnancy. At the time, my son was only a year old and I was surprised and not as happy as I had been about my other babies. My shock and lack of excitement only lasted about a day, then I was looking forward to having 2 babies within a year and a half of each other! My pregnancy seemed normal with the exception of a couple of days when I didn't "feel" pregnant. I remember telling my Mom about it and she told me I was too in tuned with my body. I started feeling pregnant again and was anxiously awaiting my first prenatal appointment on March 29, 2005 at 1:00. I filled out 30 minutes worth of paper work, then went in to my OB--the same lady who had delivered my son 12 1/2 months earlier. During the appointment, she listened for a heartbeat, then asked me if I had been feeling pregnant. I told her that I was but inside I was thinking, "Please don't ask me that!" She ordered an ultrasound in her office a few minutes later. The ultrasound didn't show an 8 week old baby like it should have and it did not show a heartbeat. Dr. C told me to come in the following day for a more advanced ultrasound. I prayed all night that the u/s would show a healthy baby. The next day, my husband went with me. It was confirmed that the baby had died at about 6 weeks. The u/s technician gave me a photo of my little baby and I left, devastated. I know that life begins at conception and that God took my baby home to be with Him...
I miscarried 2 weeks later and ended up in the hospital because I hemorrhaged. The name Mercy just kept coming to me after I found out that my baby had died, so that is the name I gave him/her.
When I found out 3 months later that I was pregnant again, I didn't let myself get excited. I knew for 3 weeks that I was pregnant when I started spotting. I went to the doctor and once again confirmed that my baby had died. I didn't have to wait as long to miscarry--I miscarried the next day, which was also my 14th wedding anniversary. I ended up in the hospital again for hemorrhaging and also had a D&C. I had been toying with Blessing as a middle name if the baby was a girl, so that is the name I gave him/her.
I will write more about my healing later. It has been a journey--one I didn't choose to be on, but one I am finally committed to seeing through and using what I've learned to help other women who have experienced this pain. It's a pain very few understand.
Paula
All of my babies were lost early--I was 7 weeks along with Christian, 12 weeks along with Mercy (Mercy died at 6 weeks, we found that out when I was 10 weeks, and I miscarried 2 weeks later), and 8 weeks along with Blessing.
Christian was my first pregnancy. After I lost that baby, I experienced sadness and jealousy of others who were having babies. I did heal, but I remember every year my miscarriage date and my would have been due date.
Mercy was my 7th pregnancy. At the time, my son was only a year old and I was surprised and not as happy as I had been about my other babies. My shock and lack of excitement only lasted about a day, then I was looking forward to having 2 babies within a year and a half of each other! My pregnancy seemed normal with the exception of a couple of days when I didn't "feel" pregnant. I remember telling my Mom about it and she told me I was too in tuned with my body. I started feeling pregnant again and was anxiously awaiting my first prenatal appointment on March 29, 2005 at 1:00. I filled out 30 minutes worth of paper work, then went in to my OB--the same lady who had delivered my son 12 1/2 months earlier. During the appointment, she listened for a heartbeat, then asked me if I had been feeling pregnant. I told her that I was but inside I was thinking, "Please don't ask me that!" She ordered an ultrasound in her office a few minutes later. The ultrasound didn't show an 8 week old baby like it should have and it did not show a heartbeat. Dr. C told me to come in the following day for a more advanced ultrasound. I prayed all night that the u/s would show a healthy baby. The next day, my husband went with me. It was confirmed that the baby had died at about 6 weeks. The u/s technician gave me a photo of my little baby and I left, devastated. I know that life begins at conception and that God took my baby home to be with Him...
I miscarried 2 weeks later and ended up in the hospital because I hemorrhaged. The name Mercy just kept coming to me after I found out that my baby had died, so that is the name I gave him/her.
When I found out 3 months later that I was pregnant again, I didn't let myself get excited. I knew for 3 weeks that I was pregnant when I started spotting. I went to the doctor and once again confirmed that my baby had died. I didn't have to wait as long to miscarry--I miscarried the next day, which was also my 14th wedding anniversary. I ended up in the hospital again for hemorrhaging and also had a D&C. I had been toying with Blessing as a middle name if the baby was a girl, so that is the name I gave him/her.
I will write more about my healing later. It has been a journey--one I didn't choose to be on, but one I am finally committed to seeing through and using what I've learned to help other women who have experienced this pain. It's a pain very few understand.
Paula
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
