An introduction

My name is Paula. I am 35 years old and have been married to my high school sweetheart for 15 years. I have 5 living children--4 girls and a boy and 3 babies in Heaven--Christian (lost 1/93), Mercy (lost 4/15/05), and Blessing (lost 8/10/05). This blog is an account of the journey I've been on since I lost Mercy and Blessing.
All of my babies were lost early--I was 7 weeks along with Christian, 12 weeks along with Mercy (Mercy died at 6 weeks, we found that out when I was 10 weeks, and I miscarried 2 weeks later), and 8 weeks along with Blessing.
Christian was my first pregnancy. After I lost that baby, I experienced sadness and jealousy of others who were having babies. I did heal, but I remember every year my miscarriage date and my would have been due date.
Mercy was my 7th pregnancy. At the time, my son was only a year old and I was surprised and not as happy as I had been about my other babies. My shock and lack of excitement only lasted about a day, then I was looking forward to having 2 babies within a year and a half of each other! My pregnancy seemed normal with the exception of a couple of days when I didn't "feel" pregnant. I remember telling my Mom about it and she told me I was too in tuned with my body. I started feeling pregnant again and was anxiously awaiting my first prenatal appointment on March 29, 2005 at 1:00. I filled out 30 minutes worth of paper work, then went in to my OB--the same lady who had delivered my son 12 1/2 months earlier. During the appointment, she listened for a heartbeat, then asked me if I had been feeling pregnant. I told her that I was but inside I was thinking, "Please don't ask me that!" She ordered an ultrasound in her office a few minutes later. The ultrasound didn't show an 8 week old baby like it should have and it did not show a heartbeat. Dr. C told me to come in the following day for a more advanced ultrasound. I prayed all night that the u/s would show a healthy baby. The next day, my husband went with me. It was confirmed that the baby had died at about 6 weeks. The u/s technician gave me a photo of my little baby and I left, devastated. I know that life begins at conception and that God took my baby home to be with Him...
I miscarried 2 weeks later and ended up in the hospital because I hemorrhaged. The name Mercy just kept coming to me after I found out that my baby had died, so that is the name I gave him/her.
When I found out 3 months later that I was pregnant again, I didn't let myself get excited. I knew for 3 weeks that I was pregnant when I started spotting. I went to the doctor and once again confirmed that my baby had died. I didn't have to wait as long to miscarry--I miscarried the next day, which was also my 14th wedding anniversary. I ended up in the hospital again for hemorrhaging and also had a D&C. I had been toying with Blessing as a middle name if the baby was a girl, so that is the name I gave him/her.
I will write more about my healing later. It has been a journey--one I didn't choose to be on, but one I am finally committed to seeing through and using what I've learned to help other women who have experienced this pain. It's a pain very few understand.
Paula