Steak and Potato Soup

I have noticed on my journey after my miscarriages that really stupid things are capable of making me sad. The other night, I was looking through a cookbook for menu ideas and came across a recipe (Steak and Potato Soup) that my husband made after my hysterectomy. My hysterectomy was one of my lowest points emotionally because it marked the total end of hope that I'd ever give birth again. It made me sad to see the recipe. Two weeks ago, I saw a picture of me in my husband's firefighter uniform that was taken when I was pregnant with Mercy. We had gone on a Girl Scout field trip and I got to model the uniform. I remember it being hard to zip up because my belly had already started to pooch. I almost cried when I saw it. My oldest was taking a 4-H project about amphibians and reptiles after losing Mercy. She had to "hatch" baby salamanders. When one would "hatch", I would think, "Why are these little things living while my baby is dead." Just something weird I've been thinking about...
I saw 2 little babies yesterday--I realized last night when I was thinking about them that I respond like a robot on the inside when I see babies or hear about someone who is pregnant. My outward reaction is typical--"what a cute baby", "how much did he weigh when he was born", that kind of thing, but inwardly, I feel nothing--no happiness, no sadness.
I've found after starting this blog that I am compelled to write almost everything I feel. I guess since it's mine, I'm entitled to do that.
Paula

The Valley Song

I am much better today. Shannon had her baby before I went to pick up her kids, so I got the big announcement from her mom. I didn't cry. I am glad I went to my homeschool group. A friend, who has not lost a baby, called me after it was over with and asked me if I was OK with all of the babies coming into the world. I was so grateful that she thought about me, especially with her not having "been there".
When I wrote the post about my notebook I keep, I mentioned "The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay. I wrote it in my notebook the evening I found out that Blessing had died. It's a song that was popular on the Christian music station about 5 years ago. I used to listen to it and think of triplet nieces and nephew lost to my brother and sister-in-law around that time. I would always cry. Here are the words....

You have led me to the sadness, I have carried this pain
On my back, bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to You.
(Chorus)
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.
When death like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face.
But I fear You aren't listening
Because there are no words.
Just a stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures.
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.
Alleluia. Alleluia.
Alleluia. Alleluia.
While we wait for the rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut.
Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down.
I will sing of Your mercy
That brings us through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.
Alleluia. Alleluia.

The part about death stealing what I love always got me. It's so true. I don't know at what moment death stole my babies. It was so quietly done. I am thankful, though, that life begins at conception and that my babies are alive forever, along with Ethan, Rebecca, and Brianna (my nephew and nieces), and Ricky (my nephew who died when he was 5 months old) and that I will see them again...
Paula
P.S. Angie, if you read this, I fixed it to where you could comment if you want to. You don't have to, but I realized today that you couldn't!

The Old Ache

I need to vent. Right now, my eyes are red and I have a lump in my throat from too much crying. It all started yesterday when I called a pregnant friend to see if I needed to pick up her kids for a homeschool group function. She told me that she was having contractions 30 minutes apart. I felt the old familiar pang, but I didn't shed tears until later in the evening. Yesterday was such a great day. We went on a family outing to the St. Louis Science Center and I went home and made a dinner that I know my whole family likes. Then I made dessert. I never do that. It was to be a Valentine's dinner because my husband worked on Valentine's Day. Talking to my friend bothered me a little, but I held up fine until later in the evening when my dh got mad about something. I'm not even sure what, but I felt like my efforts to make a special dinner and dessert went unappreciated. Then, all of my feelings about my friend's pregnancy and impending birth caught up with me. I cried after my dh went to bed. I woke up this morning not really feeling any better. I didn' t cry though, until I got a message from my friend's husband telling me they are in the hospital. I managed to call her back and keep my composure. She was a 6 1/2 cm dilated, so I'm sure she'll have her baby today. In the background was the familiar "thump, thump, thump" of the fetal monitor. I haven't heard that wonderful sound since my son was born. I got off the phone and have pretty much been crying ever since... Will I EVER be better?????? How will I react when I hear that her baby has been born? I'm afraid to know. I have to pick up her other kids later. I hope I don't lose it... And to top it all off, I fell on my butt getting out of the car at my parents' house because of ice. I'm bawling now. Why is it when you feel sad you feel completely tired and weak? I don't want to go to my homeschool group today. We're having a formal luncheon to talk about manners. My make up is a total mess and I just want to be alone.....
Hopefully I'm better next time I post,
Paula

A New Found Freedom

I have never been very secure in myself. I don't like to be in charge of things and I don't like to do things by myself. I'm not overly friendly and I'm sure more than one person thinks I'm probably stuck up because I just don't talk well with people until I really get to know them. I'm in the process of changing that. I am doing something that is really taking me out of my comfort zone--I am becoming a distributor for a rubber stamp company. I love to make cards and scrapbook, so I think doing this will help me make a little extra money and maybe give me a little more self confidence. Another thing I am seriously considering is doing the Avon cancer walk in Denver this year. My sister-in-law invited me and others in our family to do it with her. It is a 39 mile walk over the course of 2 days. What a stretch to convince myself that I can do it! I did 2 5K runs 2 years ago (I was pregnant with Mercy during one of them and wondered until I lost Blessing if running was the cause). They were a boost to my sense of "I can do it".
I know this is all very much off subject, but these are things I can do now because I am not pregnant or nursing a baby. I have finally accepted my lot as one who will not bear more children. The end of baby hood is looming before me--my son will be out of diapers soon. I haven't been free of diapering a little one for almost 13 years. I don't have to watch my son quite as much as I have in the past because he is getting older and a little more predictable. It is a freedom that I didn't think I would readily embrace. I would still adopt a baby in a heartbeat if $25,000 happened to fall into my lap, but I am OK if I never have a baby again...
Sorry it's off the subject, but I just had to share,
Paula

Post miscarriage thoughts

I keep a notebook of prayer requests and quotes or Bible verses I like. I was looking through the one I kept when I lost the last 2 babies and here are a couple of things I wrote at that time.
3/30/05
Dr.'s appt. yesterday--ultrasound didn't show a baby. Req.--go today for a more advanced ultrasound--please let there be an alive, healthy baby!!! I also need peace--I'm a mess.
Later--baby died at about 6 wks. Now I get to wait to miscarry.
"For You will light my lamp, The Lord my God will enlighten my darkness." Psalm 18:28
5/14/05
"If He bids us carry a burden, He carries it also." Charles Spurgeon
6/14/05
"Faith is the deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time." Oswald Chambers
7/17/05
Found out I'm pregnant again today. Nervous, but trying to be excited...
Lord, please let this baby live, & bless us with a healthy, strong baby at the end of 9 months. In Jesus' Name, Amen
8/9/05
Found out again that my baby died. (After this, I wrote out the words to "The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay. I will post them in the future.)
9/27/05
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy & peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
10/13/05
I feel so alone. Mercy would have been due in 1 1/2 weeks. I've been grieving hard all month thinking about how it should have been--me, big & uncomfortable, timing every pain just waiting to meet my new little one... Then, I think about how it is--aching inside for the little one I won't know in this life; watching so many other women with their big bellies & hearing about their new babies. It's so hard. I swear no one remembers & if they remember, they certainly don't care enough to let me know that they do. Such a large burden to bear alone... I feel like my life has stopped & like I'll never feel happy again. I want a baby so bad & I just don't know if that'll ever happen again. If I never have another baby, will I always feel so sad and depressed all the time? I wish someone would care enough to ask how I am...
(That was one of the lowest times. I have finally come to a point of feeling happiness again, though it took a LONG time to get there.)

I will never have a baby again. I had a hysterectomy in Jan. 06. We considered adoption, but it is so expensive that it wasn't a viable option for us. I'll write more about that another time.
Paula

Christian's Story

January 30th marked the 14th anniversary of losing Christian. I had wanted to post that day, but didn't get a chance.
Christian's story actually started in May of 1992. That's when I officially went off the pill and went on what I used to call the "quest for baby". I went to the ob/gyn in St. Louis, where I was living at the time, to make sure all of the necessary parts were there, etc. We tried to get pregnant and month after month I was disappointed when I'd start my period. At the time, I was in pharmacy school, but I soon changed my mind and applied to nursing school in my hometown. This was in January, 1993. About 3 days before I found out I was pregnant with Christian, I remember telling my husband that if it didn't work that month, I was going to go back on the pill and see nursing school through. Well, Friday, Jan. 22, I bought a pregnancy test and got a faint (barely there) pink positive. I look back and think that the faint pink was a sign that something was already wrong. I was overjoyed! I called my ob and they told me to come in before work the next day for a confirmation test. It, too, was positive, so I went to work and blabbed to everyone that I was pregnant!
At that time, I was working in a pharmacy that was in the same building as an abortion clinic. I look back now and cringe to think I used to work close to such a place. I have always been staunchly pro-life, but I guess I've become even more so through years of life experiences, knowledge of prenatal development, etc. That Saturday, the pro-lifers were out in force because it was the 20th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. I remember a "pro-choice escort" walking me into the building and apologizing for the ruckus. I told her it was "OK". After my miscarriage, I would never tell young ladies who asked me where the abortion clinic was because it made me so mad that they were getting ready to have their's killed when all I wanted was one of my own!
I went through Sunday buying a baby name book and a couple of other books to see me through my pregnancy. Monday, I went to the doctor and everything looked fine. Tuesday, I was OK. On Wednesday, when I was at work, I started spotting. I started crying and called my doctor who told me to take it easy, and that since it was brown, it was probably just old blood. Not to worry too much. Thursday and Friday were spent on the couch and on Friday, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, D, came up to bring me some herbs that D's midwife said might help. I started drinking them faithfully, but to no avail. On Saturday, the bleeding picked up and by afternoon, I was cramping really bad. They were like no menstrual cramp I've ever had--so much worse. Every few minutes, I'd get another one. For 2 hours I cramped and cried, knowing it was over. Finally, the cramps stopped. The doctor's office told me to collect whatever clots I passed, so I did. I never did see a baby in them, though I did look for one. I know it is gross, but it was my first baby!!
A few days later, I went to the doctor. The nurse hugged me when I went in, even though she didn't know me. I thought that was so nice. Then the doctor (a man), said to me "What can I say? These things happen." I thought that was rather insensitive.
I grieved for my baby really hard for months. I wanted to die because the pain was so great. I used to look at my book "A Child is Born" every month to see what my baby should have looked like and I'd wonder how big I'd be. This went on through my would-have-been due date, September 20. In that week alone, I knew 2 women who had babies, one of them on my Mom's birthday. I wondered if that could have been me. The day after that, a sister-in-law announced that she was pregnant for the first time. We were staying with my in-laws at the time while our house was being built (we had already moved home from St. Louis) and my sister-in-law was there to make the announcement. I sat there composed for about 15 minutes, then went to my room and cried harder than I'd cried the previous 8 months. I remember my husband coming in and telling me that if we had to try a hundred times to get a baby we would. I don't remember if that made me feel any better. I was a little better the next morning, which was good, because I then started the last period I'd have for 9 months. I got pregnant with my oldest daughter 2 weeks later. On the first anniversary of losing Christian, I cried, even though I was several months along with G. I didn't actually even give Christian a name until about the 2nd year anniversary of losing him/her. That's when I decided I needed to give him/her one because it was my baby.
I'm sorry this is so long. I actually thought I had lost it when I was almost finished, but somehow it came back up. Thank you, God!
Paula