Steak and Potato Soup

I have noticed on my journey after my miscarriages that really stupid things are capable of making me sad. The other night, I was looking through a cookbook for menu ideas and came across a recipe (Steak and Potato Soup) that my husband made after my hysterectomy. My hysterectomy was one of my lowest points emotionally because it marked the total end of hope that I'd ever give birth again. It made me sad to see the recipe. Two weeks ago, I saw a picture of me in my husband's firefighter uniform that was taken when I was pregnant with Mercy. We had gone on a Girl Scout field trip and I got to model the uniform. I remember it being hard to zip up because my belly had already started to pooch. I almost cried when I saw it. My oldest was taking a 4-H project about amphibians and reptiles after losing Mercy. She had to "hatch" baby salamanders. When one would "hatch", I would think, "Why are these little things living while my baby is dead." Just something weird I've been thinking about...
I saw 2 little babies yesterday--I realized last night when I was thinking about them that I respond like a robot on the inside when I see babies or hear about someone who is pregnant. My outward reaction is typical--"what a cute baby", "how much did he weigh when he was born", that kind of thing, but inwardly, I feel nothing--no happiness, no sadness.
I've found after starting this blog that I am compelled to write almost everything I feel. I guess since it's mine, I'm entitled to do that.
Paula