Baby Barrage

I love babies and I've ALWAYS loved babies. When I was little (7, 8, 9 or so), I was the one asking my babysitter if I could change the babies' diapers for her. Many times she would let me, so by the time I had a babysitting job, I could change them pretty well--even cloth ones. Once, a Mom of one of the babies told my babysitter not to let me carry her baby around. I was crushed. I look back now and I certainly would have said the same. I was VERY particular about who held my babies.
This past week, I had the opportunity to hold 2 babies on separate occasions. The first, the newborn from my last post. The other, a 7 month old whose birth I wrote about in February. I truly enjoyed holding them. There's something so wonderful about holding a little someone. I felt the joy that I used to feel before I had kids--the happiness of holding someone else's baby and being able to give him back. It was a little different because now I can't look forward to having my own, but it was joy nonetheless. Every little victory is noteworthy.
Also, this week, I found out that another one of my nieces is expecting. One told me she was a few weeks ago, but she has been spotting. Her hcg levels are going up, but the spotting continues. She will have an ultrasound on the 13th to check on the baby. The one I found about this week is suppose to be a secret, but my mother-in-law told me anyway. I'm anxious and nervous to see how my sister-in-law will tell me. This is the same sister-in-law I've had issues with since my miscarriages. I really felt that I was healing in this area and I really tried to become close to her again, but this feels like a set back for me. I just hope that she doesn't use the cop out way of telling me by just letting the news trickle down to me. I come from a family that knows everything about everybody and I like it that way, but my dh comes from a family that really doesn't tell anyone anything, which aggrevates me to no end! I have to admit that the day I found out she is expecting, I was sad, depressed, and cried several times. I'm thinking maybe I might be hormonal. I never know for sure since I don't have a period anymore, but it's a good excuse. Everyone who doesn't read this blog (my family), seems to think I'm great when it comes to babies. I wish they understood it's not that simple.
I have thought about my feelings a lot since finding out and I think, "Am I really any better 2 1/2 years later?" I think I am, but then I feel really bad again. I don't know if how I feel is normal or not. I don't know anyone in my situation--lost 2 babies and can't have more. It's frustrating.
The only big decision I regret in my life is not trying to have a baby again. I think I'll rue that until the day I die.
Probably hormonal and always missing my babies,
Paula