Another Passenger on the Grief Train

This week has, for the most part, sucked. There have been glimmers of fun and happiness, but a lot of bad crap has happened this week. My Mother-in-law was in the hospital for a few days with pneumonia and while she was there, she found out that her gall bladder will have to be taken out soon, my friend died (I'll write more about this at the end of the blog entry), a guy that my husband works with had a baby (well, his wife did) 2 weeks ago and on Friday, the baby had a seizure. The doctors don't know why. The other bad thing that happened is that one of my nieces lost a baby. It wasn't one of the ones I have mentioned (I have 2 others pregnant). This one found out last Sunday that she was expecting and she miscarried on Monday. I saw her yesterday at our family Christmas celebration and she is beside herself. I felt so sorry for her. I talked with her for quite awhile and gave her the "Permission to Grieve" pamphlet from Focus on the Family. I also gave her my phone numbers and told her to call whenever she wants to talk. She's only 19 and lost her sister-in-law (Amy Wilhoite) to cancer 3 months ago. While I was talking to her, it occured to me that things I once dreaded so much, I almost embrace now. Little challenges like holding a baby or becoming the teacher of the 2nd and 3rd trimester class that I mentioned in my last entry. I think because I know I'm never going to have a baby again, I look forward to conquering those challenges, so I can get on with life. I wish there was some way I could help her right now, and I told her as much, but it is truly a pain you have to trudge through yourself. I say trudge because sometimes the grief is so deep that it's hard to breathe and your whole body feels like lead. A grieving Mom once wrote on another website that she felt like she was on a train she didn't want to be on going to a place she didn't want to go. None of us chooses the Grief Train, but I am finding that time and opening my heart and mind to healing, I am starting to at least appreciate the scenery......
In Sunday school this morning, I mentioned the family of my friend who died. One of our Sunday school members heard through the grapevine that she killed herself. This leaves me with more regrets than I had even 3 days ago. I wonder, "If I had called and we had gotten together, would things have been different for her?" I don't know. I can't understand what kind of pain or sadness would cause a person to kill themselves a week before Christmas. She has a daughter and a granddaughter. I just don't understand any of this. She certainly didn't seem like the type who could do that. I do know that she was a Christian and I believe that she is in Heaven now. I know I could open a whole can of theological worms about a Christian and suicide, but I believe once forgiven, always forgiven, even if your final sin is suicide....... Sorry to throw this in here. It just makes me so sad that such a huge part of a period of my life is gone..... and possibly at her own hand.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas in the midst of chaos,
Paula