Miracle

The Christmas season is at hand and we hear about the miracle of Christ's birth. I am thankful for that miracle and for every miracle that I hear of.
Yesterday, when I went to the Pregnancy Resource Center (PRC), another class teacher, Tina, was there helping sort out a large donation from The Knights of Columbus. I kept picking up on bits and pieces of the conversation making me wonder if Tina was pregnant. Before she left, she told me that she may be joining my class, which is the early pregnancy class. I asked her if she was expecting and she told me that she was. She then told me that when she went in for an ultrasound when she was 8 weeks pregnant, the ultrasound showed an empty sack and no baby. Her doctor told her she would have about 2 weeks to miscarry before they would intervene. Tina said that she went home and waited for the next 2 weeks to miscarry. Toward the end of the 2 weeks, she came into the PRC and asked one of the volunteers if she would do an ultrasound to see the empty sack again. Tina got on the ultrasound table and when the volunteer ran the u/s over her abdomen, she told Tina, "I have a fetal pole and a heartbeat." After thinking for 2 weeks that she was going to miscarry, Tina told me that she cried for 2 hours. She seemed to be having a hard time "attaching" herself to the baby, probably because she had already thought that it had died and she doesn't want to face that pain again if something does happen. I did this with my last pregnancy. Mercy (baby #2 who died) was sooooo real to me that I really felt like a huge part of me died when he/she did. When I became pregnant with Blessing, I never let myself "attach". Of course, when Blessing died, I grieved hard, too, so the exercise in "detachment" when I was pregnant was futile. Anyway, I wish Tina and her baby well. I will be praying for them.
When she was telling me this, I did have a lump in my throat. I haven't felt sad hearing someone's pregnancy announcement for a long time and I guess the reason I was yesterday is because I was wondering where my miracle was 3 1/2 and almost 4 years ago. It just hurt because when we saw empty sacks on my ultrasounds, they were truly empty. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for Tina and I really hope things go good. It's just proof that even though I think I'm OK, things can still sneak up on me and bring me down. It's a continual process.
Wishing you all Christmas miracles,
Paula

The Nagging, Never-ending Desire to Have Another Baby

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. Most of the time, I'm fine or I just can't think of anything to write.
Since March, I have gone through the anniversary of losing Mercy (April 15) and the anniversary of losing Blessing (August 10). (It's been 3 years. Wow. Where has the time gone?) I have learned of new pregnancies and I have heard of new babies of being born. All of that is well and good and it really doesn't bother me. What does bother me is this nagging dream I have about 2 or 3 times a month. In it, I'm always pregnant and so very happy about it. This is impossible, as I don't have the equipment for pregnancy anymore (I had a hysterectomy 2 1/2 years ago). Everytime I wake up from the dream, I feel the loss of my fertility all over again and I'm sad and depressed again. I'm sure that I dream this so often because I never had closure when my last child was born. I was sure that there would be another, and there were 2 more. They just didn't live.
I knew when I made the decision not to have more children (my husband left the decision up to me, but made it very clear that he didn't want to try again), I knew it would always be a regret that I'd have, but I didn't know that it would haunt me like it does sometimes.
I have also been remembering all of those little things that are so taken for granted when you're going through them--changing a baby's clothes, picking them up and watching their little legs pull up with them because that's how they've been for 9 months, stroking their heads when they would be nursing and just looking at them because they're so beautiful, burping them, everything......
Like I said, most of the time, I am fine, but these dreams are really getting annoying and depressing.
Until I feel like writing again,
Paula

Thought for the Day

I am at my in-laws' house and on a little flip calender for the day was the saying "God never closes one door without opening another."
Today marks the sixth anniversary of the triplets' birth and death (see the triplets' story in my earlier blog entries). I have so many sad memories of that day and I always feel sorry for my brother and sister-in-law during this time of remembering.
The thought for today really caught my attention. That is so true. God closed the door for my brother and his wife to be parents to triplets, but He opened the door almost two years later for them to adopt McKenzie. I am babysitting for her today, especially grateful for God's wisdom in the matter. I know that little Ethan, Rebecca, and Brianna are in Heaven with my precious little ones and that I'll see them again, and for that I am also grateful.
Paula

Evasive Itches

This morning, I was awaken at 3:30 a.m. to my daughter B crying in my room. Her knee was hurting and she couldn't find our hot water bottle. I looked as well as I could at 3:30 in the morning and, not finding it, we put together a hot washcloth in a plastic bag. It must have done the trick, because she went right to sleep after that.
When I laid back down again, I had one of those evasive itches--the kind where you can't quite figure out where it itches, so you scratch until you find a spot that doesn't even itch and it relieves the itch altogether. I never could figure those things out! It took me awhile to find that non-itchy spot that relieved the itch, so I lay there thinking. For the past several weeks, I've been waking up depressed almost every morning, but I can't really figure out why. I've named it evasive depression. I don't know if it is because it has been a really long, miserable winter? Or if it's because three years ago, I was pregnant? Or if because four years ago, I was hugely pregnant with my son (he will be 4 tomorrow)? Maybe it's a combination of all three. I don't know. I think since in the past year, we have left diapers, a crib, and a binky behind with Sean, his birthday may be affecting me in a bad way this year. I almost cried last night thinking about his birth, which I haven't done for a long time. On Sunday, it was 78 degrees here and I certainly got spring fever, so today's snow and 30 degree weather is probably wearing on me, too.
At any rate, spring is just around the corner, even though I can't see it yet, my boy's birthday will pass and I will think of it fondly, if a little sadly, and I can remember being pregnant with Mercy and know that I will see that baby again someday.
Paula

This Week's Miracle and A Reason I Miscarried

Last Saturday, I got a call from my niece who miscarried in December. It seemed she was miscarrying again and she was devastated. I finished the grocery shopping that I was in the middle of, took my husband and kids home, and went back into town to Panera Bread to talk to her. She and her husband were sitting in a corner huddled together. I stayed with them for about 2 hours and listened while she talked, while she questioned why her again, and while she wept, sometimes sobbing into her husband's shoulder. I felt so helpless as to what to do to help her. I know from experience that grief is something between you, your spouse, and God, but mostly something you go through yourself. At least I found it to be that way. She asked me why this was happening to her a second time. I told her that God chooses some people to go through the grief of miscarriage so that they can help others in the same situation (see 2 Corinthians 1). Not a fun calling in life, but a necessary one. I don't know why He chooses some, while others can be pregnant 9 times and never have one (I know a woman who never miscarried after 9 pregnancies), but I do know He has a reason, even if we don't see it. After leaving, I prayed, "God, if it's possible, let this be a false alarm." I don't know why I prayed that, but I did. I have been praying for her and hurting for her all week. Yesterday, she called me to tell me that she went to the doctor on Monday and she did NOT miscarry! The bleeding and cramping she was having was probably due to implantation. The doctor told her that when the placenta implants, sometimes blood vessels can rupture to cause the cramping and the bleeding. They did an ultrasound, didn't see a baby, but wouldn't likely see one because it is still so small. They also did blood work, which all turned out normal. Praise God! I was amazed. Now, I worry that she may actually miscarry and have to endure that pain again. I hope and pray not.
All week, I have contemplated reasons why I miscarried and went on NOT to have any more children. I think the main reason is because if I had had another baby, I really don't think the sensitivity would be there. The pain wouldn't have lasted so long and wouldn't have been branded on my heart like it is. I have searched for a reason for almost 3 years and I think that's it.
Three years ago, I was enjoying the 4th day of knowing I had another life living inside me. I think I've blogged about the whole thing already, but my baby's life anniversary is worth noting.
On a different subject--we had a baby shower for my preemie great (grand?) niece today. She wasn't there, but her Mom was. She looks great and Eden is doing great. I'm so thankful. She got her oxygen taken out yesterday and is breathing well on her own. She is also up to 4 lbs. 3 oz. She had plateaued (spelling?) in her weight for about 2 weeks, but she's starting to gain again. Yay!
Our baby weasel (ferret) is doing fine, too. She is kind of ornery, though. She likes to bite and growl if she doesn't like what you're doing. We scruff her and thump her nose when she does it, but the learning is slow. When she's sleeping, she is so sweet. She curls herself up like a cinnamon roll and I can hold her in the palm of my hand.
Talk to you later.
Thankful for every miracle,
Paula

A Blessed New Arrival and Other Events of the Past Month

For the past month, I have had about 427 things to blog about, but I'm never at a computer long enough to write. I'm just too busy!
Eden Noelle (not Ann as I previously posted) is doing very well. She is now up to 3 lbs. 14 oz. and she is breathing on her own. She still has supplemental oxygen and a feeding tube, but those are things that will be removed in time. We are all so thankful that she's doing good. My mother-in-law told me that there are pictures of babies born at 18 weeks that have survived, which makes me wonder if the triplets would have lived if they had been born up there. Only God knows and we would not have McKenzie if they had survived. I read once that there are no "ifs" in God's kingdom...
My Grandpa died almost 3 weeks ago. He was old and had been in poor health for years, but it's always hard to say goodbye to someone you love, even if you know they're in a better place. Over the weekend, it was very cold and I had forgotten my coat at home. I had taken my Grandpa's jacket the previous weekend when we were going through his things, so I put it on. It brought tears to my eyes because it smelled just like him. He was the Old Spice king, ever since I was little. So all evening, I'd hold the sleeve up to my nose, then I'd tear up. It's funny how things like smells can evoke so many emotions. I know it's always hard for me to wash my hands when visiting someone in the hospital. The hospital soap smell reminds me of all the happy times I washed them to hold my new babies.
The blessed new arrival at my house is a new baby ferret. My daughter B's birthday was Sunday and she wanted a ferret, so we went to Springfield yesterday and bought one. We have one already, who is affectionately known as "the stinky weasel". I've dubbed this one "the ADHD weasel" because she is sooooo hyper! I never imagined that I'd like ferrets at my house, but I have to admit they are a blast and they have so much personality!
My early pregnancy class is going well and I have only had one time when it was hard for me. We learned about prenatal development last week. While we were watching a video, they showed an ultrasound. That part didn't bother me, but hearing the heartbeat made a lump rise in my throat. I swallowed it down, then I was fine. I also had an old lady moment. We were talking at the end of class and one of the birth dads said something to the effect of how his Mom was 33 years old. I could have had a heart attack! It shocked me to think that I'm old enough to be a Grandma!
Well, I covered a few of the many subjects I wanted to. I'm sure I can't remember any more of them. I am an old lady, you know........
Forgetfully and anciently yours,
Paula

Eden Ann

This is a post I didn't think I'd have to make for 3 more months, but due to some very serious complications, my niece (not the one who had the shower, but the one who had been having problems since the beginning of her pregnancy) delivered a very tiny baby girl on Sunday. Her name is Eden Ann. She was born at 28 weeks gestation (3 months early), weighed in at 2 lb. 7 oz., and is 13 inches long. She is currently on a ventilator to help her breathe, though it has been cut back to 50%, which is a good thing. Before she was born, the doctors only gave her a 50/50 chance of survival. I don't know if the odds for her are better now that she is here and looks healthy enough for a baby that small, but I do know that it has been a very tense 3 days. My niece had to have her uterus removed because the placenta had grown through it and into her bladder. I know she wanted at least one more child, so this isn't going to be an easy road for her anyway. I just hope little Eden is OK. Please shoot up a prayer for her.
Thank you,
Paula

The Shower

This is just a little update to my angry post from yesterday.
The shower went very well. My niece who lost the baby was not there, and as it turns out, she really wasn't expected to be there. I had a long talk with my sister-in-law, who told me how grateful she is that I am helping Janessa through this, and I feel like a lot of old hurts have healed through our conversation. I have been healing from my bitterness issue with her for quite sometime, but I really feel whole now.
I am very tired. Emotionally charged days seem to do that, you know, but I do feel pretty happy.
Until I need to write again,
Paula

A Little Something to Tick Me Off

Happy New Year! 2008 started with a wicked awesome good time at a friend's house and thus far, I am looking forward to the new year.
Today is my daughter Emily's 11th birthday. All yesterday was spent remembering being in labor all day and everytime I woke up in the night, I remembered the 3 1/2 hours of pushing it took to get her out! She was my 1st vaginal birth and she weighed in at 9 lbs. 3 oz. My friend who recently killed herself was such an incredible help to me during the hours of agony. Emily's birth was my only unmedicated one and it was MISERABLE!! I discovered the wonder of an epidural with my other kids and I was much less traumatized after their births.
I wanted to title this post "A Little Something to Piss Me Off", but I decided that it was too strong a title. This is the incident that did it:
I wrote in my last entry about my niece who just miscarried. Tomorrow, our family is having a baby shower for her sister, who is due in April, but lives in Colorado and won't be home again until after the baby comes. I asked Janessa (the one who lost the baby) if she was coming tomorrow. She told me that she was and I told her that I wouldn't have been able to do it after I lost my babies. I then told her that I'd talk to my mother-in-law and tell her my feelings on the situation. I don't think she should feel like she has to be there! I told my mother-in-law about it and she said, "I understand that, but I also understand that this is her sister and she needs to support her." I dropped the subject after that because it made me so mad. Spoken as one who has never been there! This girl's mother also lost babies to miscarriage and I can't understand why she isn't being more sympathetic to her daughter. Everyone is so wrapped up in the 1st grandbaby for that family that the pain of one daughter is being ignored. Gggrrrrr!!! Why is it that grieving moms-to-be have to march to the drummer that everyone else marches to? If the baby had been born and died, she would be treated with more compassion. I know that there is a big difference between losing a baby at 5 weeks and losing one after birth, but this is the greatest pain she has ever known and she needs to be treated as one who is enduring a devastating loss.
I'm finished venting. It just really aggrevated me!!!
Paula