Miracle

The Christmas season is at hand and we hear about the miracle of Christ's birth. I am thankful for that miracle and for every miracle that I hear of.
Yesterday, when I went to the Pregnancy Resource Center (PRC), another class teacher, Tina, was there helping sort out a large donation from The Knights of Columbus. I kept picking up on bits and pieces of the conversation making me wonder if Tina was pregnant. Before she left, she told me that she may be joining my class, which is the early pregnancy class. I asked her if she was expecting and she told me that she was. She then told me that when she went in for an ultrasound when she was 8 weeks pregnant, the ultrasound showed an empty sack and no baby. Her doctor told her she would have about 2 weeks to miscarry before they would intervene. Tina said that she went home and waited for the next 2 weeks to miscarry. Toward the end of the 2 weeks, she came into the PRC and asked one of the volunteers if she would do an ultrasound to see the empty sack again. Tina got on the ultrasound table and when the volunteer ran the u/s over her abdomen, she told Tina, "I have a fetal pole and a heartbeat." After thinking for 2 weeks that she was going to miscarry, Tina told me that she cried for 2 hours. She seemed to be having a hard time "attaching" herself to the baby, probably because she had already thought that it had died and she doesn't want to face that pain again if something does happen. I did this with my last pregnancy. Mercy (baby #2 who died) was sooooo real to me that I really felt like a huge part of me died when he/she did. When I became pregnant with Blessing, I never let myself "attach". Of course, when Blessing died, I grieved hard, too, so the exercise in "detachment" when I was pregnant was futile. Anyway, I wish Tina and her baby well. I will be praying for them.
When she was telling me this, I did have a lump in my throat. I haven't felt sad hearing someone's pregnancy announcement for a long time and I guess the reason I was yesterday is because I was wondering where my miracle was 3 1/2 and almost 4 years ago. It just hurt because when we saw empty sacks on my ultrasounds, they were truly empty. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for Tina and I really hope things go good. It's just proof that even though I think I'm OK, things can still sneak up on me and bring me down. It's a continual process.
Wishing you all Christmas miracles,
Paula