The topic this week in my daily devotional has been Heaven. Here are a few things I've read about.
Who will be there? Our Triune God--Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. All of the angels, the old testament saints, and all believers. (A side note:What about those little ones who never had the chance or the knowledge to be saved? I believe that little ones who are lost immediately go into the presence of the Heavenly Father and that God has a certain time or age when He holds us accountable for our sins. A little child or a baby, born or unborn, isn't aware of it's sinful nature and therefore is not held accountable.)
How will we be different physically? We'll have glorified bodies like Jesus had when He arose on the 3rd day. We know that Jesus had a visible physical form, could just appear in a locked room, and could be touched.
Will we recognize each other? Our bodies will be identifiable. Jesus' followers recognized Him.
Here are some others' thoughts about Heaven:
"All the things that made Earth unlovely and tragic will be absent in Heaven." Billy Graham
"Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret?There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
"We talk about Heaven being so far away. It is within speaking distance of those who belong there. Heaven is a prepared place for prepared people." D.L. Moody
"Hearts on earth say in the course of a joyful experience, 'I don't ever want this to end.' But it invariably does. The hearts of those in heaven say, 'I want this to go on forever.' And it will. There is no better news than this." J.I. Packer
"There will be little else we shall want of heaven besides Jesus Christ. He will be our bread, our food, our beauty, and our glorious dress. The atmosphere of heaven will be Christ; everything in heaven will be Christ-like: yes, Christ is the heaven of His people." C.H. Spurgeon
"The best is yet to be." John Wesley
An acquaintance of mine (a 26 year old mother of a 1 year old) is currently battling leukemia. Two months ago, she was given 2 months to live. She is still fighting with some experimental treatments. She has written in her blog that she had been researching Heaven as if she was going on a trip. It's a good thing for us to think about if we've lost loved ones or, in my case, babies. Just remember that this is temporary. We'll be with them always someday.
Another little thought about a purpose in death. I am very attached to this world. I like living, for the most part. I like doing my thing--taking care of my kids, being with my family and friends, playing my music really loud, cooking, making cards. I could go on and on. I noticed years ago, before I lost Mercy and Blessing, that with each death I endured, I was weaned a little more off of this world. The sting of death (that of loved ones) is relieving the sting of death (my own someday). Each loss makes me more ready for Heaven. I have a lot of people to look forward to seeing: Jesus, Christian, Mercy, Blessing, Ethan, Rebecca, Brianna (the triplets), little Ricky (my 5 mo. old nephew who died), my Grandma and Great Grandma. While I still am attached to living in this world, I can look forward to living in the next and never facing the pain I've gone through in this life.
Til next time,
Paula
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
The Miracle of Life and the Ugliness of Death
Yesterday held two very different events for me, though when I woke up in the morning, I didn't know it would be that way. My girls got 2 baby goats from a family friend to bottle feed and I ran over one of our dogs and he had to be put down.
Last year, we got goats from the same lady. We bottle fed them and kept them until all three died tragically--all in different ways. We're not really set up to keep goats penned up, so they roamed around our barns, which ended up getting them in trouble. This time around, we will be giving the goats back when they are weaned. The girls named them Princess and Sophia. Princess is white with a light tan face. She's small, but Sophia is so much smaller. She's about half the size of Princess and she has a dark brown face and a white body. I finally found a use for the bottles my children never would take. The goats are using them.
I was on my way home, driving up my driveway, not paying attention. I always pay attention to that little dog because he was always in the way! In the year and a half since we got him (a stray that we got from a friend), I have always paid attention to where he was, but yesterday I wasn't. I knew immediately what I'd done because I felt my Excursion run over something. He was alive, but very badly hurt. He kept trying to get up, but his back legs wouldn't work. I called my mother in law and she said his back was probably broken. My husband was at a class all weekend and he wasn't home yet (why does all the bad crap happen when he's gone???), so I called my dad to come and put him down. My dad has had to put down his share of animals for one reason or another, but he doesn't like to do it. Poor Mr. Bo, the dog, who for a year and a half wouldn't let us pet him, let us pet him and try to keep him comfortable until my dad got there. We all cried, especially my 12 year old, who doesn't usually get upset about anything. When my dad got to my house, we all went inside. I petted Mr. Bo and told him I was sorry. He tried to get up, which just broke my heart so bad. I don't know if God has a place for animals, but I was praying so hard yesterday that He does. We've lost lots of dogs over the past several years and it's always hard, but it is so much harder when it's my fault...
Paula
Last year, we got goats from the same lady. We bottle fed them and kept them until all three died tragically--all in different ways. We're not really set up to keep goats penned up, so they roamed around our barns, which ended up getting them in trouble. This time around, we will be giving the goats back when they are weaned. The girls named them Princess and Sophia. Princess is white with a light tan face. She's small, but Sophia is so much smaller. She's about half the size of Princess and she has a dark brown face and a white body. I finally found a use for the bottles my children never would take. The goats are using them.
I was on my way home, driving up my driveway, not paying attention. I always pay attention to that little dog because he was always in the way! In the year and a half since we got him (a stray that we got from a friend), I have always paid attention to where he was, but yesterday I wasn't. I knew immediately what I'd done because I felt my Excursion run over something. He was alive, but very badly hurt. He kept trying to get up, but his back legs wouldn't work. I called my mother in law and she said his back was probably broken. My husband was at a class all weekend and he wasn't home yet (why does all the bad crap happen when he's gone???), so I called my dad to come and put him down. My dad has had to put down his share of animals for one reason or another, but he doesn't like to do it. Poor Mr. Bo, the dog, who for a year and a half wouldn't let us pet him, let us pet him and try to keep him comfortable until my dad got there. We all cried, especially my 12 year old, who doesn't usually get upset about anything. When my dad got to my house, we all went inside. I petted Mr. Bo and told him I was sorry. He tried to get up, which just broke my heart so bad. I don't know if God has a place for animals, but I was praying so hard yesterday that He does. We've lost lots of dogs over the past several years and it's always hard, but it is so much harder when it's my fault...
Paula
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Miscarrying with a housefull
Tomorrow marks the 2 year anniversary of miscarrying Mercy. I wrote about most of the experience in one of my first blogs. I'd like to write about the difference between my first miscarriage when I had no children as opposed to miscarrying when I had them.
My first miscarriage was spent on the couch drawing up my legs every few minutes because of the pain. I cried for almost 2 hours while the contractions came. They gradually got worse, as in childbirth, and eventually stopped all together. I was so relieved when it was over with that I couldn't cry anymore. At least not until the next day and everyday after for over 9 more months. It was quiet, except for my crying and my dogs checking on me trying to figure out what was going on.
When I lost Mercy, I started contracting early in the morning. I had awaken to spotting, which I had not done until that time, even though I had known for over 2 weeks that my baby was dead. I got breakfast for my children and turned Sesame Street (at the time, we didn't have satellite). Every few minutes, I'd close my eyes and breathe. I always did that when I was in labor--close my eyes and breathe slowly in and slowly out. When I was in labor with my kids, I used to say in my head "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" over and over until each contraction was over. I don't remember doing that when I was miscarrying because Jesus felt very far away from me at that time. My son, who was only a year old, started fussing, so I decided to go ahead and nurse him. I didn't know if that would make the contractions harder or if the bleeding would be heavier. I decided I didn't care. My doctor had told me when we found out that Mercy had died that if I bled a pad an hour to get to the Emergency Room. After my son nursed, I went to the bathroom and from the time I stood to the time I got to the bathroom, my pad was soaked. I immediately freaked out, as I had 5 children with me and I live 25 minutes from the ER. It wasn't like I could drive myself, so I called my husband. He's a firefighter and couldn't get off because they were shorthanded that day. My Mom was having blood work done to test for diabetes, so I called my dad, who picked me up and drove me in. By the time I got to the ER, I had been bleeding heavily for over an hour. I walked in and had to get immediately to the bathroom. I bled all over my pants. It was awful because I then had to come out of the bathroom and tell someone what was happening. Thankfully, there was a nurse walking by when I came out and she put me directly in a room. Several hours later, my doctor came in to check on me and everything had passed. She didn't see a baby. I was finally released and I left the hospital feeling physically like I'd just had a baby, but with no baby to show for it.
Four months later, I found myself in the same situation, except I was at my parents' house this time. Once again my dh was working and couldn't get off. It took me awhile to get over that one--suffering through 2 miscarriages alone. I made dinner for my kids because my Mom had a meeting after work. The contractions picked up, along with the bleeding. After sitting on the toilet bleeding for 3 hours, I finally listened to my Mom who told me I needed to go to the ER. Several times during that 3 hours, I almost passed out, so I'm surprised she didn't just load me up and take me. She and my sister-in-law (my bro's wife) went with me and stayed there all night while I bled and eventually had a D&C. The three of us are pretty good about making the best out of a bad situation and I was really glad they were there to lighten the mood. One of the most memorable laughs we had was when the ER doc came in and started to look in my ears. He knew I was miscarrying, so I'm not sure why he did that, but we laughed so hard when he left! I still smile when I think of that.
All of my miscarriage experiences were different and all of them were tragic and a very sad part of my life. I am glad, though, that I have a wonderful family who is willing to bear those kinds of burdens with me.
Paula
My first miscarriage was spent on the couch drawing up my legs every few minutes because of the pain. I cried for almost 2 hours while the contractions came. They gradually got worse, as in childbirth, and eventually stopped all together. I was so relieved when it was over with that I couldn't cry anymore. At least not until the next day and everyday after for over 9 more months. It was quiet, except for my crying and my dogs checking on me trying to figure out what was going on.
When I lost Mercy, I started contracting early in the morning. I had awaken to spotting, which I had not done until that time, even though I had known for over 2 weeks that my baby was dead. I got breakfast for my children and turned Sesame Street (at the time, we didn't have satellite). Every few minutes, I'd close my eyes and breathe. I always did that when I was in labor--close my eyes and breathe slowly in and slowly out. When I was in labor with my kids, I used to say in my head "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" over and over until each contraction was over. I don't remember doing that when I was miscarrying because Jesus felt very far away from me at that time. My son, who was only a year old, started fussing, so I decided to go ahead and nurse him. I didn't know if that would make the contractions harder or if the bleeding would be heavier. I decided I didn't care. My doctor had told me when we found out that Mercy had died that if I bled a pad an hour to get to the Emergency Room. After my son nursed, I went to the bathroom and from the time I stood to the time I got to the bathroom, my pad was soaked. I immediately freaked out, as I had 5 children with me and I live 25 minutes from the ER. It wasn't like I could drive myself, so I called my husband. He's a firefighter and couldn't get off because they were shorthanded that day. My Mom was having blood work done to test for diabetes, so I called my dad, who picked me up and drove me in. By the time I got to the ER, I had been bleeding heavily for over an hour. I walked in and had to get immediately to the bathroom. I bled all over my pants. It was awful because I then had to come out of the bathroom and tell someone what was happening. Thankfully, there was a nurse walking by when I came out and she put me directly in a room. Several hours later, my doctor came in to check on me and everything had passed. She didn't see a baby. I was finally released and I left the hospital feeling physically like I'd just had a baby, but with no baby to show for it.
Four months later, I found myself in the same situation, except I was at my parents' house this time. Once again my dh was working and couldn't get off. It took me awhile to get over that one--suffering through 2 miscarriages alone. I made dinner for my kids because my Mom had a meeting after work. The contractions picked up, along with the bleeding. After sitting on the toilet bleeding for 3 hours, I finally listened to my Mom who told me I needed to go to the ER. Several times during that 3 hours, I almost passed out, so I'm surprised she didn't just load me up and take me. She and my sister-in-law (my bro's wife) went with me and stayed there all night while I bled and eventually had a D&C. The three of us are pretty good about making the best out of a bad situation and I was really glad they were there to lighten the mood. One of the most memorable laughs we had was when the ER doc came in and started to look in my ears. He knew I was miscarrying, so I'm not sure why he did that, but we laughed so hard when he left! I still smile when I think of that.
All of my miscarriage experiences were different and all of them were tragic and a very sad part of my life. I am glad, though, that I have a wonderful family who is willing to bear those kinds of burdens with me.
Paula
Friday, April 6, 2007
This and That
I don't have lot to write about this week, so I'll just talk a little about things that are on my mind and going on in my life.
The school year is finally coming to a close. We probably still have a month's worth to go, but at least we have all of our hours in. We are preparing for a science fair next Friday in our homeschool group, so all week has been busy running experiments and taking notes!
G, my oldest, found our video recorder yesterday. We haven't used it in years. The tape in it was one of her 5th birthday party (she'll be 13 in July). I watched a little of it. My 3rd, B, was just a little baby. My heart ached for the old times when I had a baby and was happy. I am happy most of the time now, but I still have that ache that I think will never go away. It also made me ache inside to think that it had been that long since we used it. So many years lost by not recording special things like that.... Two kids who didn't even make it on the videos! That's something I'll have to remedy. Start taking more home video...
I had my hair colored today (for those friends who read this, this time it's red, but not as red as last time :) ). My friends laugh because I always seem to have a different hair color. My niece, who does my hair, was telling me that another niece of mine is trying to get pregnant. I wonder how I'll handle that one when an announcement is made. I've been in kind of a funk lately, but I'm not sure why. Maybe when I get news about her, I'll be better.
Have a blessed Easter,
Paula
The school year is finally coming to a close. We probably still have a month's worth to go, but at least we have all of our hours in. We are preparing for a science fair next Friday in our homeschool group, so all week has been busy running experiments and taking notes!
G, my oldest, found our video recorder yesterday. We haven't used it in years. The tape in it was one of her 5th birthday party (she'll be 13 in July). I watched a little of it. My 3rd, B, was just a little baby. My heart ached for the old times when I had a baby and was happy. I am happy most of the time now, but I still have that ache that I think will never go away. It also made me ache inside to think that it had been that long since we used it. So many years lost by not recording special things like that.... Two kids who didn't even make it on the videos! That's something I'll have to remedy. Start taking more home video...
I had my hair colored today (for those friends who read this, this time it's red, but not as red as last time :) ). My friends laugh because I always seem to have a different hair color. My niece, who does my hair, was telling me that another niece of mine is trying to get pregnant. I wonder how I'll handle that one when an announcement is made. I've been in kind of a funk lately, but I'm not sure why. Maybe when I get news about her, I'll be better.
Have a blessed Easter,
Paula
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Books and Things
When I was growing up, there was a bookstore in my hometown called "Books & Things". When we'd go there, my brother and I would stand in the children's section while my parents looked around. It's such a nice memory. My favorite book that I got there was called "101 Things to do with a Dead Cat". It was a humorous cartoon book with 101 illustrations of what you could do with a dead cat (hence, the name...), much like the kind of humor seen in Gary Larson cartoons. I don't condone violence to cats or any other animal, but it was a funny book. My topic for today is about books and things that have helped me on my miscarriage journey.
When I lost Christian, I bought a book called "Empty Arms" by Pam Vredevelt. It was kind of a "how to" about getting through a miscarriage and subsequent pregnancies written by a woman whose baby died at 5 months. Like me, she went to the doctor for a scheduled appointment only to find out that her baby was dead. One quote I learned reading her book, which I said to myself every other time I've been pregnant, was "Let go and let God." I said that SO many times when I was pregnant with my oldest and when I was pregnant with my 4th (I actually spotted when I was pregnant with her and am now convinced that God really intervened to keep her with me).
The next book is "A Deeper Shade of Grace" by Bernadette Keaggy. I bought this book several years ago just to loan to women who had been through a miscarriage but I didn't actually read it until last summer when I decided to let go of my anger toward God and let Him heal me. Bernadette lost 6 (I am pretty sure, but can't remember right off), including a set of triplets like my bro and sis-in-law. In the book, she touches on anger at God, which is really what I needed to hear.
A pamphlet put out by Focus on the Family called "Permission to Grieve: Finding Healing and Hope after Miscarriage" is the next one I'd like to talk about. I got this one from a crisis pregnancy center that had a booth at a Christian music festival I went to. It would be good for anyone who has had a miscarriage as well as those who know someone who has had one. Lots of good information on what to say and do for a grieving mother/family. A favorite quote that I've posted on miscarriage message boards and another blog is: "The human soul has no size." My babies were all very small when they died, so that holds particular significance for me. It can be obtained at www.family.org/pregnancy
The final book I'll talk about is one my sister-in-law loaned me after her son died. It is called "Dear Cheyenne" by Joanne Cacciatore. Ms. Cacciatore's daughter Cheyenne died just before she went into labor with her. The book is in diary form and is full of the raw emotion a grieving mother feels. This book would be good for someone whose baby died farther along or for one whose baby died shortly after birth (my nephew was 5 1/2 months). It is not written from a Christian perspective (the author has ideas that her daughter turned into an angel, etc.), but it is a good book.
A website that I've found comfort through is the National Share organization. I'll look up the web address and post it in a minute. A few minutes later: nationalshareoffice.com
All of these resources are good, but nothing can beat the sensitivity of a friend or family member who sends a card to let you know they're thinking of you or who just asks you how you are. I was in a situation with a little baby yesterday and a friend asked me how I was doing. It was nice to know she cares (thanks, A :) ). I did do well and even held the baby. I actually enjoyed it!
Until next time...
Paula
When I lost Christian, I bought a book called "Empty Arms" by Pam Vredevelt. It was kind of a "how to" about getting through a miscarriage and subsequent pregnancies written by a woman whose baby died at 5 months. Like me, she went to the doctor for a scheduled appointment only to find out that her baby was dead. One quote I learned reading her book, which I said to myself every other time I've been pregnant, was "Let go and let God." I said that SO many times when I was pregnant with my oldest and when I was pregnant with my 4th (I actually spotted when I was pregnant with her and am now convinced that God really intervened to keep her with me).
The next book is "A Deeper Shade of Grace" by Bernadette Keaggy. I bought this book several years ago just to loan to women who had been through a miscarriage but I didn't actually read it until last summer when I decided to let go of my anger toward God and let Him heal me. Bernadette lost 6 (I am pretty sure, but can't remember right off), including a set of triplets like my bro and sis-in-law. In the book, she touches on anger at God, which is really what I needed to hear.
A pamphlet put out by Focus on the Family called "Permission to Grieve: Finding Healing and Hope after Miscarriage" is the next one I'd like to talk about. I got this one from a crisis pregnancy center that had a booth at a Christian music festival I went to. It would be good for anyone who has had a miscarriage as well as those who know someone who has had one. Lots of good information on what to say and do for a grieving mother/family. A favorite quote that I've posted on miscarriage message boards and another blog is: "The human soul has no size." My babies were all very small when they died, so that holds particular significance for me. It can be obtained at www.family.org/pregnancy
The final book I'll talk about is one my sister-in-law loaned me after her son died. It is called "Dear Cheyenne" by Joanne Cacciatore. Ms. Cacciatore's daughter Cheyenne died just before she went into labor with her. The book is in diary form and is full of the raw emotion a grieving mother feels. This book would be good for someone whose baby died farther along or for one whose baby died shortly after birth (my nephew was 5 1/2 months). It is not written from a Christian perspective (the author has ideas that her daughter turned into an angel, etc.), but it is a good book.
A website that I've found comfort through is the National Share organization. I'll look up the web address and post it in a minute. A few minutes later: nationalshareoffice.com
All of these resources are good, but nothing can beat the sensitivity of a friend or family member who sends a card to let you know they're thinking of you or who just asks you how you are. I was in a situation with a little baby yesterday and a friend asked me how I was doing. It was nice to know she cares (thanks, A :) ). I did do well and even held the baby. I actually enjoyed it!
Until next time...
Paula
Sunday, March 25, 2007
The Little Things
"The little things, the little things, they always hang around.
The little things, the little things, they try to break me down." --Good Charlotte
I love rock music. Sure, most of the lyrics aren't very constructive, but I love the beat! In this post, I'd like to write, as the band Good Charlotte did, about the little things. Things I remember about my babies.
This Thursday and Friday mark the 2 year anniversary of finding out that Mercy was dead. I am actually doing very well with the exception of a little crying spell this morning when I was thinking. At the more formal ultrasound performed on March 30, 2005, I was given a picture of my little Mercy. The u/s technician asked me if I wanted a picture, which I thought was very sensitive of her. I said "yes" being so glad that I'd have a little something from my baby. In the photo, Mercy is about the size and shape of a bean. Nothing is distinguishable as a baby, but it's the only picture I have. Shortly after I miscarried, I put that picture away because it was too hard to look at. I thought I'd put it with my son's ultrasound pictures, but when I looked for it this morning, I couldn't find it. I hope it turns up... While looking for the u/s photo, I came across a picture of myself, my oldest daughter, my dh, and my son when we were picking G up from camp. I was pregnant with Blessing at the time. I had on my Mom's stretch size 14 capri's and a borrowed shirt from my Mom, too. My belly would always start pooching quite well as soon as I found out I was expecting, which brings me to my next little thing. When I was pregnant with Mercy, I would wake up in the morning with my hand on my little pooch. That was one thing I missed so much after I found out he/she had died. I was thinking about it this morning and it shows how much a mother loves her baby--even subconsiously, Mercy was always on my mind.
That's enough of my sad post. I am in a very good mood today--spring has sprung and the world is alive with color! I love it!
Paula
The little things, the little things, they try to break me down." --Good Charlotte
I love rock music. Sure, most of the lyrics aren't very constructive, but I love the beat! In this post, I'd like to write, as the band Good Charlotte did, about the little things. Things I remember about my babies.
This Thursday and Friday mark the 2 year anniversary of finding out that Mercy was dead. I am actually doing very well with the exception of a little crying spell this morning when I was thinking. At the more formal ultrasound performed on March 30, 2005, I was given a picture of my little Mercy. The u/s technician asked me if I wanted a picture, which I thought was very sensitive of her. I said "yes" being so glad that I'd have a little something from my baby. In the photo, Mercy is about the size and shape of a bean. Nothing is distinguishable as a baby, but it's the only picture I have. Shortly after I miscarried, I put that picture away because it was too hard to look at. I thought I'd put it with my son's ultrasound pictures, but when I looked for it this morning, I couldn't find it. I hope it turns up... While looking for the u/s photo, I came across a picture of myself, my oldest daughter, my dh, and my son when we were picking G up from camp. I was pregnant with Blessing at the time. I had on my Mom's stretch size 14 capri's and a borrowed shirt from my Mom, too. My belly would always start pooching quite well as soon as I found out I was expecting, which brings me to my next little thing. When I was pregnant with Mercy, I would wake up in the morning with my hand on my little pooch. That was one thing I missed so much after I found out he/she had died. I was thinking about it this morning and it shows how much a mother loves her baby--even subconsiously, Mercy was always on my mind.
That's enough of my sad post. I am in a very good mood today--spring has sprung and the world is alive with color! I love it!
Paula
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Remembering the Triplets
I have posted before about my triplet nephew and nieces who were born too soon five years ago. Today, I'd like to talk about them. Today is their birth/death day.
When my brother and his wife, M and BJ, got married, we knew they probably would not have children on their own. In September 2001, they started trying to have a baby by using fertility drugs. The drugs consisted of 2 very painful shots per day, lovingly administered by my brother, to stimulate ovulation. They were told before they started this regimen that this type of medication had a 50% chance of producing multiples, so we were semi-prepared for that possibility. At the time, I was working at a local crisis pregnancy center. BJ called me one evening and told me that she thought she was pregnant. She wasn't suppose to start her period for another day or two, but I told her I'd run a test on her if she wanted to come in. Sure enough, she got a very pink positive. I've ran enough tests on myself and others to know that a very pink positive that early wasn't very normal, so I immediately thought she might be expecting twins (2 weeks earlier, an ultrasound showed that 3 eggs were "ripe" and going to be released when they gave the shot to make them release).
A few weeks later, we were VERY shocked to learn that there were definitely 2 babies and maybe a 3rd. There was a slight shadow on the screen behind one of the babies. Two weeks after the initial u/s, it was confirmed that there were 3 babies in BJ's womb. We were all so excited and spent the next couple of months preparing for the BIG family event! BJ's pregnancy was very eventful. She was violently ill most of the first 3 months and EXTREMELY tired. The doctor put her on progesterone until the 1st trimester was over. When she was 3 1/2 months, I was able to go to the specialist's visit with them. She did an u/s to check up on them. Everything looked great. It was so wild to see that many babies on an u/s. All you could see were backbones and legs! At about 4 months, they had another u/s which told them they were having 2 girls and a boy. One of the girls was sucking her thumb in all of the u/s pictures. It was so cute.
On March 6, BJ went to the hospital for some contractions she was having. They told her she had just overdone it. March 14, same thing. At 1:30 a.m. March 15, my mom called me telling me M and BJ were in the hospital. She was fully dilated and was definitely going to lose the babies. She was only 21 weeks along. Our hospital will only ship a woman out if she is 24 weeks to try to save the babies.
I went to the hospital and "coached" BJ through contractions. Her insensitive doctor finally allowed her to have an epidural early in the morning, which brought physical relief, but none for the heart. The room was quiet. No fetal monitor was hooked up to her, but we could hear one in the next room over. Very depressing.... I went home at about 9 to shower and rest a few hours.
At about 2:00 p.m., Ethan Matthew, Rebecca Jo, and Brianna Rae came into the world, alive, but totally silent. I arrived shortly after and my family (Dad, Mom, Uncle) and some church friends spent the next 2 hours holding the babies, looking at them, and taking pictures of them. At about 4:30, the girls both died, and Ethan died shortly after. He was the first to come into the world and the last to leave. It was like he was trying to be a good big brother to watch out for his sisters. Before they all died, my brother held each of them and to each he said, "I love you and you will always be my favorite Ethan/Rebecca/Brianna." I left after the nurse took them away. When I got into my car, the song that was on the radio was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. It's a song about what we'll see in Heaven. I have never been able to listen to that song since without much sadness.
March 18, a funeral was held at our church cemetary for them. One small casket with 3 little babies in it... My dad, who is a blacksmith, made a very large flower hanger in the shape of a cross, with 3 little children on it holding hands.
I struggled with the knowledge that nothing was done for BJ or the babies to try to save them for a long time. A few months after they died, my husband was called to set up a helicopter landing site for twins born at 24 weeks in the same hospital the triplets were born at. Both of the babies ended up dying. After that happened, I looked on it as such a mercy from God that the babies were not any older. We got to hold the triplets and spend their only 2 hours on our earth with them. The woman who lost her twins did not get that. Her babies were whisked away, never to be seen alive by her again.
I've written in other posts about my being pro-life. I have seen and held a 21 week old baby. It IS a baby--looks just like a full term baby, only very small. I don't see how women or anyone can justify the taking of an innocent life, whether it is 5 weeks old in it's mother's womb or 35 weeks old in it's mother's womb (yes, abortion CAN be performed until birth). While we were having a funeral for the triplets, other babies the same age were being tossed out as hospital waste. The thought makes no sense to me and it makes me sick....
Six weeks after the triplets were lost, BJ went in for her 6 week checkup. It was then that we learned that the girls were identical twins. Brianna, who was 3 ounces smaller than Ethan and Rebecca, was the shadow on the first u/s. I read up on this and it is possible for a twin to "split off" up to a week after conception. If it occurs after a week, siamese twins form. The doctors think Brianna was just a few days younger than the other 2.
I have shed more tears writing this one than any of the other posts I've written. We all miss those babies, but a year and a half later, we saw God's reasoning when M and BJ adopted a little black girl they named McKenzie. She is such a blessing to our family and we are thankful that God's ways are higher than ours...
Paula
When my brother and his wife, M and BJ, got married, we knew they probably would not have children on their own. In September 2001, they started trying to have a baby by using fertility drugs. The drugs consisted of 2 very painful shots per day, lovingly administered by my brother, to stimulate ovulation. They were told before they started this regimen that this type of medication had a 50% chance of producing multiples, so we were semi-prepared for that possibility. At the time, I was working at a local crisis pregnancy center. BJ called me one evening and told me that she thought she was pregnant. She wasn't suppose to start her period for another day or two, but I told her I'd run a test on her if she wanted to come in. Sure enough, she got a very pink positive. I've ran enough tests on myself and others to know that a very pink positive that early wasn't very normal, so I immediately thought she might be expecting twins (2 weeks earlier, an ultrasound showed that 3 eggs were "ripe" and going to be released when they gave the shot to make them release).
A few weeks later, we were VERY shocked to learn that there were definitely 2 babies and maybe a 3rd. There was a slight shadow on the screen behind one of the babies. Two weeks after the initial u/s, it was confirmed that there were 3 babies in BJ's womb. We were all so excited and spent the next couple of months preparing for the BIG family event! BJ's pregnancy was very eventful. She was violently ill most of the first 3 months and EXTREMELY tired. The doctor put her on progesterone until the 1st trimester was over. When she was 3 1/2 months, I was able to go to the specialist's visit with them. She did an u/s to check up on them. Everything looked great. It was so wild to see that many babies on an u/s. All you could see were backbones and legs! At about 4 months, they had another u/s which told them they were having 2 girls and a boy. One of the girls was sucking her thumb in all of the u/s pictures. It was so cute.
On March 6, BJ went to the hospital for some contractions she was having. They told her she had just overdone it. March 14, same thing. At 1:30 a.m. March 15, my mom called me telling me M and BJ were in the hospital. She was fully dilated and was definitely going to lose the babies. She was only 21 weeks along. Our hospital will only ship a woman out if she is 24 weeks to try to save the babies.
I went to the hospital and "coached" BJ through contractions. Her insensitive doctor finally allowed her to have an epidural early in the morning, which brought physical relief, but none for the heart. The room was quiet. No fetal monitor was hooked up to her, but we could hear one in the next room over. Very depressing.... I went home at about 9 to shower and rest a few hours.
At about 2:00 p.m., Ethan Matthew, Rebecca Jo, and Brianna Rae came into the world, alive, but totally silent. I arrived shortly after and my family (Dad, Mom, Uncle) and some church friends spent the next 2 hours holding the babies, looking at them, and taking pictures of them. At about 4:30, the girls both died, and Ethan died shortly after. He was the first to come into the world and the last to leave. It was like he was trying to be a good big brother to watch out for his sisters. Before they all died, my brother held each of them and to each he said, "I love you and you will always be my favorite Ethan/Rebecca/Brianna." I left after the nurse took them away. When I got into my car, the song that was on the radio was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. It's a song about what we'll see in Heaven. I have never been able to listen to that song since without much sadness.
March 18, a funeral was held at our church cemetary for them. One small casket with 3 little babies in it... My dad, who is a blacksmith, made a very large flower hanger in the shape of a cross, with 3 little children on it holding hands.
I struggled with the knowledge that nothing was done for BJ or the babies to try to save them for a long time. A few months after they died, my husband was called to set up a helicopter landing site for twins born at 24 weeks in the same hospital the triplets were born at. Both of the babies ended up dying. After that happened, I looked on it as such a mercy from God that the babies were not any older. We got to hold the triplets and spend their only 2 hours on our earth with them. The woman who lost her twins did not get that. Her babies were whisked away, never to be seen alive by her again.
I've written in other posts about my being pro-life. I have seen and held a 21 week old baby. It IS a baby--looks just like a full term baby, only very small. I don't see how women or anyone can justify the taking of an innocent life, whether it is 5 weeks old in it's mother's womb or 35 weeks old in it's mother's womb (yes, abortion CAN be performed until birth). While we were having a funeral for the triplets, other babies the same age were being tossed out as hospital waste. The thought makes no sense to me and it makes me sick....
Six weeks after the triplets were lost, BJ went in for her 6 week checkup. It was then that we learned that the girls were identical twins. Brianna, who was 3 ounces smaller than Ethan and Rebecca, was the shadow on the first u/s. I read up on this and it is possible for a twin to "split off" up to a week after conception. If it occurs after a week, siamese twins form. The doctors think Brianna was just a few days younger than the other 2.
I have shed more tears writing this one than any of the other posts I've written. We all miss those babies, but a year and a half later, we saw God's reasoning when M and BJ adopted a little black girl they named McKenzie. She is such a blessing to our family and we are thankful that God's ways are higher than ours...
Paula
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