Uncertain results

Here is a short update on what I found out.
I called my doctor's office today and they told me that I have a "soft tissue mass". I don't know what that means. I am scheduled to see a specialist in "breast stuff" July 3 to see if I need to have a biopsy.
In the meantime, I am worried, but I suppose there is nothing I can do about that.
Please pray for me,
Paula

Unexpected emotions

It seems like every time I think I'm good and won't cry anymore about my babies, something new pops up unexpectedly to make me. That happened on Monday morning when I called my gyn (she's no longer my ob). I haven't made a phone call to the office since before my hysterectomy 15 months ago. All the memories of calling, excited to know when my first prenatal appointment would be, caught up with me when I heard the voice of the same receptionist that I talked to over 3 years ago when I was wondering if I could go into labor soon because I had lost my mucous plug. I had never lost it that I knew of with my other pregnancies and was hopeful to go into labor early. That didn't happen, but that's another story. Anyway, after I hung up the phone, I started bawling. I came about this close (I'm holding my finger and my thumb about a 1/4 inch apart) to calling you, Angie, but I decided to buck up and quit acting like a baby. I think it should have been time for a period, because I have been awfully weepy this week.
I made the appointment Monday because of a painful lump in my right breast. I talked to the nurse, who set up an ultrasound for today to have it checked out. My last few ultrasounds have ended in bad news, which makes me nervous about this one. I know it's silly to associate negative events of the past with my present, but I still feel that way. I honestly think that what has been bothering me for the past few months is a cyst that I've had for years. It doesn't help that in the past 2 weeks I've heard of 2 women who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'm doing the breast cancer walk next weekend, June 23 and 24. I don't like the irony of it all. I'll post what I find out.
To my walk--I am SO not ready! My longest walk has been 8 miles, which I did last Friday. My oldest daughter is taking a summer school class with my brother, who is an 8th grade science teacher in a local district, so taking her to school and picking her up everyday has totally messed up my schedule! If I am able to walk the 13.1 miles on Saturday and Sunday, I'll be happy.
Have a good day,
Paula

5,823 and other notable events from the weekend

Wow! What a time I had in Ohio! I went into the weekend with a very bad attitude and came out of it planning to do it again next year.
First I want to say that Dresden is one of the friendliest places I have ever been. Everyone is not only very friendly, but very outgoing, too, which I like because I'm not like that. It's small, which I also like, and not real tourist-y.
The first night, we ate at the Longaberger Home Show Experience. It was a nice, simple meal in a building that displayed every Longaberger product. For those not familiar with Longaberger, they specialize in baskets and pottery. I'm not much of a decorator and all of their products are functional, too, so that suits me just fine.
The next day was filled with visiting the factory, shopping, and eating lunch at the Longaberger estate. It, too, was nice and simple. Friday night, my Mom, Sister-in-law, a new friend, and I all went to a restaurant/pub called The Depot for a drink. I'm not usually a drinker, but I'll have one every now and again. We had a blast laughing and enjoying the patio. The weather was perfect that night.
Saturday morning, we went to a private opening of one of the stores called Aimee's. It sells baskets, liners for them, protectors for them, Italian charms, and other little knick-knacky things. They had a contest to see who could guess how many popcorn kernels were in a jar. I had almost forgot about it when they reminded our group to finish guessing, so they could announce the winner. I wrote down my number--5,823. I have 5 living children, I've been pregnant 8 times, and Mercy was due on October 23. I know that's a twisted way of guessing, but that's how I did it. Well, I won! I got a $25 gift certificate on the Italian charms. I found several that describe me: 3 for my lost babies in the birthstone month I lost them, a scrapbooking one, a rock and roll one, a basket, a firefighter, a honey bee, and a few others that I can't remember right off. We met the other ladies at lunchtime at Popeye's, a little 50's style diner on the strip. They had awesome burgers, onion rings, and these little things called "The One Bite Sundae". It was perfect! No guilt because there weren't very many calories. :)
Late in the afternoon, we had appointments to make our own baskets. It was fun and educational. I now have a basket that I made sitting in my kitchen holding my utensils. In the evening, we went over to The Depot again for another drink and karaoke night. I had never been to one before and boy! I don't think I've ever had so much fun! I didn't karaoke, but most of our group did. We were loud and I'm not sure The Depot will ever be the same. Hee. Hee. Jeff Longaberger, one of the heirs, happened to be there and he bought us all a drink. The next morning, he stopped by our Bed and Breakfast to sign baskets and have his picture taken with us. Then we came home. We've all decided that this HAS to be an annual girls' trip.
While I was gone, my husband and mother-in-law moved my boy to a big boy bed. Until now, he's been sleeping in the crib. Last night, my husband took the crib down. It has been in our room, sleeping one baby or waiting for one for almost 9 years. My room seemed really empty last night and I'm sure it'll take awhile to get used to. It's like the last little shreds of babyhood are leaving my home and I can't say I really like it!
I better go. Today is my 4th daughter's birthday. She's 6. Tonight, we're taking her out for dinner.
Until I think of something else to blog about,
Paula

Ohio, here I come!

The title for this post sounds much more excited than I feel. Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Dresden, Ohio to spend a few days with my mom, my sister-in-law, and my sister-in-law's sister (what a mouthful!). We will be touring the Longaberger factory, shopping, and enjoying (?) a little R & R. I am really not looking forward to going. Dreading it is a better word for what I feel. I don't know why. I have never left my children for this long, so it might be that. I don't know my sis-in-law's sis that well. Maybe that's it. I'm not super into the basket thing, so that could be it as well. I'm leaving in 3 weeks for Denver, so I feel like I'm abandoning my family. I'm wondering if it should have been "that time", because I feel really grouchy.
Forgive my whining. Whoever reads this, please say a prayer for us and for my kiddos at home. I'm kind of a control freak with my kids in that I always want to know where they are and what they're doing. Maybe it's because I'm with them 24/7. I just know I'm going to miss them this weekend!
Later,
Paula

Future of the blog, training, and road trip

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been busy and haven't been inspired to write. My blog posting may become less and less. My purpose in starting it was to give an account of where I've been as I have "journeyed" through my miscarriages and I think I've done that. I feel like I've posted on almost everything applicable to my miscarriages. When my nephew died, my brother-in-law made a website in his memory. At first, he would post new information, like how they were doing at the first birthday, the first death anniversary, etc. When I looked on the site on his would-have-been 2nd birthday, the only post there was one about how there was nothing new in death. I feel a little the same way. My situation and my story will never change. I will probably post every couple of weeks just as a sort of diary, but I doubt that much of what I say will have to do with my miscarriages. I honestly feel like I am good (and happy) 99.99% of the time, even when it comes to babies. This blog has helped me to get here and has been sort of a friend to me, who I could vent to about anything and be as brutally honest as I wanted to be.
The past 2 weeks have been filled with walking, taking care of goats, walking, walking, listening to the ipod while I'm walking, and walking. If it sounds really boring, it's because it is! I've been trying to increase my distance and the times I walk to prepare for my Avon walk in Denver next month. I walked 18.6 miles last week and 12.5 so far this week, including a 6 mile walk on Wednesday. This all sounds well and good, except for the fact that I'm suppose to be walking 7 miles on a short walk day and 18 miles on a long walk day. I don't have the time for that, so I'm just walking consistantly and hoping come June 23 that I can suffer through 26.2 miles the first day and 13.1 the second! I am also required to raise $1800 for the walk. I'm only about half there. I hate asking people for money and I'm not good at it either. All of my clothes are fitting looser, but to date I've only lost 2 lbs. I find that to be very discouraging. I'd like to be able to tell people that I've lost sooooo much weight throughout my training. (sigh)
I did have an enjoyable Thursday when I went on a road trip with a couple of my friends. It was nice to get away and I didn't have to walk that day! I'm very thankful to have buddies (there's a difference between a friend and a buddy) to do things like that with and I wish I had been closer to them when I'd had my miscarriages. I really think it would have been easier.
Last night, our church went to a St. Louis Cardinals' game. We got rained on and they lost, but it was still fun. We didn't get home until about 1 a.m., so I crashed at my parents' house so I wouldn't have to drive an extra 40 minutes to get home. I'll probably take a nap when I'm finished writing this.
With that thought, I think I am going to sign off for now. I do hope that those who read this will still check up on me. I may still write if I have any new thoughts or feelings on the subject, but most of it will just be my life as it is now.
Talk to you later,
Paula

My First Mother's Day

This week has been SUCH a busy one. All week, we've been getting things ready for a garage sale. We have had friends and family donate items to it and all of our proceeds will be going to our Avon Breast Cancer Walk next month. There is so much stuff left after a day of selling that I'm not sure we'll get rid of it all! I've also been doing a lot of walking this week. I've logged about 11 miles so far. I'm not sure if I'll get anymore walking done this week with the garage sale tomorrow and then Mother's Day on Sunday, but we'll see. My sister-in-law, who is also doing the walk, has been logging about 20 miles each week. She's so going to kick my butt.
I always enjoy Mother's Day. It's a time when I can show my mom and my mother-in-law that I appreciate them and a time when my kids let me know they appreciate me. I remember my first Mother's Day as a mother. I didn't have a baby to show for my title, but I knew in my heart that I was a Mom. It was May 1993, four months after I lost Christian. Every year my church recognizes the moms by giving them a flower. That year, I sat in the pew, silently crying to myself, as each mom went forward to pick up a flower. One lady, who was pregnant with her 4th child and due the week Christian would have been, was recognized as the woman with the most children. I had no way of knowing this, but that honor would come to me in a few short years. The next year, I was pregnant with G and I was recognized with a picture of a little girl praying with her Mommy (that was the only year I remember that they didn't do flowers). I hung the picture over her crib when we set it up.
That first Mother's Day wouldn't be the saddest for me. Fast forward 9 years to May 2002. My brother and his wife had lost the triplets 2 months earlier. We all (my Mom, sister-in-law, brother, and I) wept as the mothers came to the front of the church to get their flowers. My brother got up, took 3 flowers from the bucket and handed them to BJ. I almost lost it. The next Mother's Day, it was the same. He gave her 3 flowers. I bought her a card for Mother's Day with Precious Moments on it--a baby on a cloud. Fitting, I thought. May 2004, during our prayer time in Sunday school, I said I was thankful for a truly happy Mother's day. M and BJ had adopted McK just before Christmas, so we were very happy. Mother's Day 2 years ago was sad for me, too, but I don't remember crying like I did that first one.
If you have lost a baby and have no other children, you ARE still a mother. You have put all of the emotions into your child that mothers whose children are still with them do, and even some emotions that many mothers never experience (grief, extreme worry, sadness, hopelessness). If your church recognizes mothers, don't be afraid to be recognized or let your husband recognize you by getting you a card or something. You deserve it!!!
Those are my thoughts for the week.
Have a blessed Mother's Day,
Paula

Weep with those who weep--revisited

One of my first posts was about "weeping with those who weep" as in Romans 12. At the time, I still had some unresolved anger/bitterness at people and I'm afraid that post reflected it. I still struggle a little with that, but I'm getting better. This post is about an opportunity to weep with someone who is weeping.
Yesterday, in our homeschool group, I was holding Shannon's baby (from the weepy/psycho post in February). I enjoy holding him, as I always do after I "warm up" to a new baby. I used to warm up as soon as I laid eyes on a baby, but I'm not the same since the miscarriages. It takes awhile. While I was holding him, a lady who lost her newborn son in October walked up to me and asked to hold him. I handed him over and was thinking that she was stronger than I was after I miscarried. A moment later, she said, " I can't do this" and handed him back. I noticed she was crying. She walked out of the room and I gave E to a friend of mine so I could follow her out. My heart broke for her. I hugged her and said, "I couldn't hold a baby for several months after I lost my babies and my babies were very small. I don't know how you did it." She told me that she was able to hold her nieces, but it was something about holding a boy that bothered her. I left her alone and I think she was OK. I got teary eyed talking to her. I remembered the same group, same building a year ago when a lady handed her baby to me and said, "Would you like to hold him?" What was I going to say? I might cry or flip out if I do! No, I just took him and kept choking back the knot in my throat. That was the first baby I held post-Mercy and Blessing. It was also a kind of turning point for me. After that encounter, looking at babies was a little easier and holding them has become easier with each time I've done it.
Last night, when I was thinking it over, I was hoping that she didn't think I was trying to compare my pain to hers. While we both lost babies, what I've experienced is only a taste of the grief she knows. There ARE varied degrees of grieving. I felt them when it came to my own miscarriages. Not that I loved Mercy any more than I loved Blessing, but Mercy was so real to me. My belly started to pooch, I was sick, I had experienced 5 previous healthy pregnancies, so I really thought I'd experience another one. I grieved harder for Mercy than I did for Blessing, but I "knew" Mercy better. I hope she understood that I was only trying to help her. I think she did.
On to another topic. This time of year has always been bittersweet for me. I'm glad to be almost finished with school, but when activities wind down, it makes me feel a little down. My homeschool group is over for the year. It'll start again in August. My kids' PE class ends this Tuesday. I enjoy those 2 days each week because of the friends I see and I'll miss them over the summer (come on, cry with me, Angie). I'm not really crying, but I have been kind of down because of it. When summer comes, I'll wonder how on earth I managed to do school and all of the activities we have during the school year. It's always the same. Summer is never very long and then we'll be back to the old proverbial grindstone for another year. I was like this when I was in school, too. Kind of weird.
Oh, about the pregnant youth from our church. She told her family, who told her they hope she miscarries, not to talk about the baby at all because they don't want to get attached because she's giving it up for adoption (they hope). I was disgusted when I heard their response. First of all, if you don't believe in abortion, why on earth would you wish a baby's death upon this girl? Another thing, if she does give the baby up, these few months will be her only memories of her baby (unless she has an open/semi-open adoption) and talking will help her to remember. Oh, well. It's not my family, so I don't know why I even care!
That's all I have for now.
Later,
Paula