Pre-Christmas Odds and Ends

The Christmas season is upon us and for the first time in years, I am in the Christmas spirit! This week, I decorated my house and put up the tree. The kids and I spent Monday afternoon listening to Christmas music via my DirecTV XM satellite radio and filling the living room with boxes stuffed with decorations. At one point, I could hardly walk through the room, but we got it all cleaned up and I don't have to think about it again until January. House keeping is not my forte, so I'm glad it's done! I have even listened to a local Christian music station that is playing Christmas songs 24/7 until Christmas. This is not like me, as my music usually involves lots of electric guitar, heavy backbeat, and screaming.
In the next few days, I will be hearing of 2 baby announcements. One is the wife of a guy my husband works with. The other is the teenage mom from my church. I really do well in hearing baby news anymore, but I always feel my chest tighten a little. I don't know how long this will last or if it will ever go away. I can't associate it with sadness, nor can I put my finger on what emotion it is. It simply is there.
My niece had an ultrasound this week. She's due in April. The baby looks good, but she has placenta previa (a condition where the placenta is covering the cervix) and the placenta doesn't look healthy. We are all worried about that and I hope and pray everything goes well with her.
Today marks the 9th anniversary of the death of my nephew, Little Ricky. He was the 9th child born to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and the 2nd child of theirs to be born with Down Syndrome. He also had a serious heart defect. He died following heart surgery. I remember mentioning him in my Bible study group that morning and hearing later in the day that the surgery was successful. I was so thankful. His parents had been through so much. Later in the evening, my mother-in-law called me to tell me that Ricky's blood pressure had fallen and that they were having trouble stablizing it. They weren't sure he would make it. I prayed all night and the next morning called her back to see if she'd heard any news. She told me that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law were heading home. Ricky had died at about 7:30 December 1. His Mom was one of my best friends at the time. Things were never the same after he died and we haven't been as close since then. I did send a card this year. My anger and bitterness over her not sending a card when I lost my babies is gone. In recent months, I've gotten to know her again in a different capacity. Not really the friend I used to have, but something akin to friendship.
I'm getting ready to go to our local Christmas parade. I haven't been to one in 3 years, so I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Until I think of something else to write about...
Paula

Thankfulness

Yesterday we celebrated Thanksgiving and I also celebrated my 36th birthday. It was my in-laws' year, so we spent the day over at their house visiting and, of course, eating. It was a good day.
Since last Thanksgiving I have come to a point of being genuinely thankful for my current lot in life. I have it good. I'm healthy, I have a husband who loves me just the way I am, I have 5 healthy kids, and I am in good spirits. Life is a good thing for me right now, so it is easy to be thankful. I think back to 2 years ago and even last year. When I was at a sad, depressed point in my life and I needed to be constantly reminded of what I DO have, not what I don't, the following helped me.

Here's a small excerpt from the book "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado:
"Whatever the blessing is in our cup, it is sure to run over. With Him the calf is always the fatted calf; the robe is always the best robe; the joy is unspeakable; the peace passeth understanding.... There is no grudging in God's benevolence; He does not measure out His goodness as an apothecary counts his drops and measures his drams, slowly and exactly, drop by drop. God's way is always characterized by multitudinous and overflowing bounty." Quote by F. B. Meyer

Another excerpt from "Keep A Quiet Heart" by Elisabeth Elliot
"Blessings taken for granted are often forgotten. Yet our Heavenly Father 'daily loadeth us with benefits' (Psalm 68:19). Think of some of the common things which are nevertheless wonderful:
--the intricate, delicate mechanism of the lungs steadily and silently taking in fresh air 18 to 20 times a minute;
--the untiring heart, pumping great quantities of clean blood through the labyrinth of blood vessels;
--the constant body temperature, normally varying less than one degree;
--the atmospheric temperature, varying widely it is true, but never so much as to destroy human and animal life;
--the orderly succession of day and night, spring, summer, autumn, and winter, so that, with few exceptions, man can make his plans accordingly;
--the great variety of foods, from the farm, the field, the forest, and the sea, to suit our differing desires and physical needs;
--the beauties of each day--the morning star and growing light of sunrise, the white clouds of afternoon, the soft tints of a peaceful sunset, and the glory of the starry heavens;
--the symphony of early morning bird songs, ranging from the unmusical trill of the chirping sparrow to the lilting ecstasy of the goldfinch and the calm, rich, bell-like tones of the wood and hermit thrushes;
--the refreshment that sleep brings;
--the simple joys of home--the children's laughter and whimsical remarks, happy times around the table, the love and understanding of husband and wife, and the harmony of voices raised together in praise to God.
All these and many others come from the bountiful hand of Him 'who redeemeth my life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's' (Psalm 103: 4, 5)
'It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness.' (Lamentations 3:22, 23)
'It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord, and to sing praises unto Thy name, O most High' (Psalm 92:1)"

That is a good starting place for being thankful. Be thankful for the babies you have been pregnant with and the many lessons they have taught you: lessons in compassion toward others who face similar situations, in sensitivity, in knowing how precious unborn life is, and in looking forward to heaven.
Until next time,
Paula

Out of Fashion Sync

When my husband is on shift on Saturdays, I will often spend the night with my parents because I'm over at their house anyway and my church is only a couple of miles from where they live. I came over yesterday and discovered that I forgot to pack a shirt to wear today. Not wanting to go to church in only my bra, I thought this would give me an excuse to buy myself something new to wear. I like having new things, but I HATE to shop. I don't like the styles, I don't like how things look on me, and I just suck at it. After spending over an hour trying on different things, I decided on a pair of jeans and a black flowing long-sleeved shirt. I am wearing it as I type and have been extremely self conscious about it all day. Because of the long, flowing nature, I wonder if tongues at church are wagging and saying, "I thought Paula had a hysterectomy, but she sure looks pregnant!" I know this is the style, but for a woman who has been pregnant 8 times, it's not a good look for me. I do have a figure--not a great one yet, but a figure nonetheless. I don't like the muuumuu look or the thought that someone might mistake me for being pregnant.
When I graduated from high school in 1990, the style was big shirts and ripped jeans. At the time, I weighed 95 lbs. and had a pretty nice figure. After I had several kids, the style was form fitting shirts and skinny jeans. I wish that had been the style when I had the body for it. The high waist, flowing shirts would have been nice when I was pregnant early on and didn't have anything to wear. My body has always been out of fashion sync. I know this subject is off the miscarriage theme, but the whole idea of someone thinking I'm pregnant now when I'm not bothers me, so I guess it remotely relates.
Never the Fashion Queen,
Paula

Blue Denim

This morning before leaving my house, I happened upon a 1959 movie called "Blue Denim". It is a movie about a pregnant 15 year old girl and her 16 year old boyfriend seeking an abortion without either's parental consent. Being the avid pro-lifer that I am, I decided to watch and learn how Hollywood handled the subject of unwanted pregnancy 48 years ago. After Janet and Alfred "go all the way", she finds out she's pregnant. They wonder what they should do, then Alfred decides to talk to a friend of his who had secured the services of an abortionist. I was getting ready and watching at the same time so I didn't really understand this, but this friend is the one who kept telling him it was murder (they used that word) and that Janet would be hurt by the experience. Granted 48 years ago, it was illegal in most states (it WAS legal in certain states before Roe v. Wade) and many "doctors" who performed the abortions were just amateurs in the gynecological field. A pharmacist I worked for years ago knew a dentist who was an abortionist on the side before it was legalized in all 50 states. Sorry to jump around... back to the movie. In the end, Alfred told his parents at the last minute when Janet had already left for the abortion. They found her before she had gone through with it. Alfred stepped up and took responsibility for Janet and the baby and they rode off on a train together. It was time for me to leave by then, so I didn't see the last few minutes of the movie. I was intrigued by the difference in Hollywood's handling of the subject then and now. Then, the characters stopped and thought about how to handle the pregnancy and even agonized over the decision after it was made to have the abortion. Then, decided to make things right before it was too late. The father of the baby also took responsibility for his part in the pregnancy. I can think of a couple of examples of movies made in the last 20 years or so where abortion was the only option, there were no regrets after the abortion, and the baby's father slid off like a snake without any regard for the baby or the mother. It's sad to see the vast contrast between then and now.
On a different, but similar, subject is the story of the Maine middle school that is now authorized to give birth control pills to middle schoolers. That makes me sick. There are so many examples I could make about individuals who are going to do something anyway, so why don't we make it safer for them. Wrong behavior shouldn't be helped along at all and especially wrong behavior that involves kids. One more thing to think about. Think back to when you were 11, 12, or 13. Would you have even remembered to take the pill every day???? I know I wouldn't have. I think that they will just be looking at the same number or more pregnancies by the time these girls use the birth control as an excuse to have sex and then forget to take it. And if it can happen in that school, who's to say it won't happen in all schools???
I'm through ranting. It's just been on my mind.
Paula

Falling Inside the Black

"Falling in the black, slipping through the cracks, falling to the depths. Can I ever go back? Dreaming of the way it used to be. Can you hear me?" --Skillet
In the past month and a half, I have heard of at least 6 pregnancy announcements. I'm thinking that I've heard of more, but I can only recall 6 of them. I am usually OK with the announcements, though I can't say that any of them come with extreme excitement on my part. I just kind of accept them. Two of the announcements are from ladies who had babies around the time Mercy would have been born. This bothers me in particular because I was always the one making an announcement when my baby was 2. Also, their births were especially hard for me back then because I was grieving the loss of my 2 babies.
I was listening to the Skillet song on my daughter's ipod on Friday and the words struck me because I could relate to them so well. It's an awesome song anyway...
Rock on,
Paula

Found

Last Friday, I woke up to an awful stench in my kitchen. We had recently put out mouse poison, so I knew that a mouse most likely "given up the ghost" somewhere in one of the cabinets. After doing the never pleasant sniff test, I figured out which cabinet it was--my card/junk cabinet. I didn't have any time to go through and find the thing, as I was busy from the time I got up until the time I got home at 8:30 p.m., so I left it for Saturday.
Saturday morning, the smell was even more nauseating, so I set to work on finding it early. I took out a couple of boxes and there it was. My oldest daughter, who runs her own "Mouse Disposal Service: $1 per mouse" business, wasn't home, so I paid my second daughter to dispose of it. (Why do it myself if my kids will do it for money?!) Upon picking up the mouse with a plastic bag over her hand, we discovered that it had a baby mouse laying beside it! Great! How many more of the nasty things had died under there?? It turns out that the baby was the only one and it wasn't dead yet. I knew it couldn't survive, but if I thought it had a fighting chance, I would have tried to save it. I'm just that way--I can't stand to see a little thing die!!! I also couldn't bear to kill it, so I waited for my husband to come home and do the job. While we were waiting, my kids sat around looking at it and feeling sorry for it, too. I'm surprised they didn't cry when my dh killed it.
Later that day, I started looking through the boxes of cards I had taken out of the cabinet and in one of them I found my ultrasound picture of Mercy. It was in a card from an acquaintance who'd had 5 miscarriages of her own. My husband and daughter were in the kitchen with me, so I nonchalantly walked out, card in hand, to go to the bathroom and cry. When I was better, I put the card and the u/s photo in my Bible. I haven't looked at it again, but it's there when I want to.
That night, we built a fire in our yard, roasted marshmallows, and made S'Mores. For the first time in a long time, I thought about how things would have been if Mercy wouldn't have died. I would have been freaked out when my little almost 2 year old got near the fire or when he/she got out of the firelight range into the darkness. I didn't cry, but I was quiet and pensive all day and night.
I'm glad I found the picture and am glad that I'll see Mercy again, full of life.
Paula

The Race Was Won

I was introduced to blogging when Amy, the 26 year old daughter of a friend, was diagnosed with leukemia in July 2006. Her family set up a blog for her as a source of information for her family and friends, as well as a place for posting prayer requests. Amy lost her battle with cancer yesterday, but won the prize of eternal life. I've been praying for her and my heart breaks for her family. Her Mom was especially helpful to me when my nephew died almost 9 years ago. Her Mom and I were both close to my sister-in-law and it hurts to know she has to endure the pain of losing a child, the kind of pain we didn't understand (and I still don't).
To read of Amy's struggle and her incredible testimony of the grace of God, visit: wilhoite.blogspot.com
Once again reminded of my gratefulness for eternal life,
Paula