The Shower

This is just a little update to my angry post from yesterday.
The shower went very well. My niece who lost the baby was not there, and as it turns out, she really wasn't expected to be there. I had a long talk with my sister-in-law, who told me how grateful she is that I am helping Janessa through this, and I feel like a lot of old hurts have healed through our conversation. I have been healing from my bitterness issue with her for quite sometime, but I really feel whole now.
I am very tired. Emotionally charged days seem to do that, you know, but I do feel pretty happy.
Until I need to write again,
Paula

A Little Something to Tick Me Off

Happy New Year! 2008 started with a wicked awesome good time at a friend's house and thus far, I am looking forward to the new year.
Today is my daughter Emily's 11th birthday. All yesterday was spent remembering being in labor all day and everytime I woke up in the night, I remembered the 3 1/2 hours of pushing it took to get her out! She was my 1st vaginal birth and she weighed in at 9 lbs. 3 oz. My friend who recently killed herself was such an incredible help to me during the hours of agony. Emily's birth was my only unmedicated one and it was MISERABLE!! I discovered the wonder of an epidural with my other kids and I was much less traumatized after their births.
I wanted to title this post "A Little Something to Piss Me Off", but I decided that it was too strong a title. This is the incident that did it:
I wrote in my last entry about my niece who just miscarried. Tomorrow, our family is having a baby shower for her sister, who is due in April, but lives in Colorado and won't be home again until after the baby comes. I asked Janessa (the one who lost the baby) if she was coming tomorrow. She told me that she was and I told her that I wouldn't have been able to do it after I lost my babies. I then told her that I'd talk to my mother-in-law and tell her my feelings on the situation. I don't think she should feel like she has to be there! I told my mother-in-law about it and she said, "I understand that, but I also understand that this is her sister and she needs to support her." I dropped the subject after that because it made me so mad. Spoken as one who has never been there! This girl's mother also lost babies to miscarriage and I can't understand why she isn't being more sympathetic to her daughter. Everyone is so wrapped up in the 1st grandbaby for that family that the pain of one daughter is being ignored. Gggrrrrr!!! Why is it that grieving moms-to-be have to march to the drummer that everyone else marches to? If the baby had been born and died, she would be treated with more compassion. I know that there is a big difference between losing a baby at 5 weeks and losing one after birth, but this is the greatest pain she has ever known and she needs to be treated as one who is enduring a devastating loss.
I'm finished venting. It just really aggrevated me!!!
Paula

Another Passenger on the Grief Train

This week has, for the most part, sucked. There have been glimmers of fun and happiness, but a lot of bad crap has happened this week. My Mother-in-law was in the hospital for a few days with pneumonia and while she was there, she found out that her gall bladder will have to be taken out soon, my friend died (I'll write more about this at the end of the blog entry), a guy that my husband works with had a baby (well, his wife did) 2 weeks ago and on Friday, the baby had a seizure. The doctors don't know why. The other bad thing that happened is that one of my nieces lost a baby. It wasn't one of the ones I have mentioned (I have 2 others pregnant). This one found out last Sunday that she was expecting and she miscarried on Monday. I saw her yesterday at our family Christmas celebration and she is beside herself. I felt so sorry for her. I talked with her for quite awhile and gave her the "Permission to Grieve" pamphlet from Focus on the Family. I also gave her my phone numbers and told her to call whenever she wants to talk. She's only 19 and lost her sister-in-law (Amy Wilhoite) to cancer 3 months ago. While I was talking to her, it occured to me that things I once dreaded so much, I almost embrace now. Little challenges like holding a baby or becoming the teacher of the 2nd and 3rd trimester class that I mentioned in my last entry. I think because I know I'm never going to have a baby again, I look forward to conquering those challenges, so I can get on with life. I wish there was some way I could help her right now, and I told her as much, but it is truly a pain you have to trudge through yourself. I say trudge because sometimes the grief is so deep that it's hard to breathe and your whole body feels like lead. A grieving Mom once wrote on another website that she felt like she was on a train she didn't want to be on going to a place she didn't want to go. None of us chooses the Grief Train, but I am finding that time and opening my heart and mind to healing, I am starting to at least appreciate the scenery......
In Sunday school this morning, I mentioned the family of my friend who died. One of our Sunday school members heard through the grapevine that she killed herself. This leaves me with more regrets than I had even 3 days ago. I wonder, "If I had called and we had gotten together, would things have been different for her?" I don't know. I can't understand what kind of pain or sadness would cause a person to kill themselves a week before Christmas. She has a daughter and a granddaughter. I just don't understand any of this. She certainly didn't seem like the type who could do that. I do know that she was a Christian and I believe that she is in Heaven now. I know I could open a whole can of theological worms about a Christian and suicide, but I believe once forgiven, always forgiven, even if your final sin is suicide....... Sorry to throw this in here. It just makes me so sad that such a huge part of a period of my life is gone..... and possibly at her own hand.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas in the midst of chaos,
Paula

S-T-R-E-T-C-H! Am I ready for this?

I have about dozen topics I'd like to blog about, but the one that is most pertinent is my new volunteer position teaching parenting classes at a local pregnancy center. For years, I volunteered at our local Birthright running pregnancy tests and offering counseling. I quit when I was pregnant with my son. After becoming familiar with the Pregnancy Resource Center through a recent walk-a-thon, I decided I would like to be more involved in helping out there. I was asked if I would be interested in teaching parenting classes, so I jumped on the opportunity. I thought, "I have 5 kids, so maybe I'd be good at that." My thought was that I'd be teaching the moms after they gave birth. I was wrong. I attended a meeting this morning and I am now the 2nd and 3rd trimester teacher. I feel like this is a stretch for me and I wonder if I'm ready for it. I think I'll do fine, but there will always be the breaking through things I have yet to face post-miscarriage--pregnancy videos, listening to the moms talk about their babies and their feelings. I do feel like this is where I'm suppose to be, though. I think it's another facet of healing for me. One of the classes that we offer is miscarriage support. I told them I would be interested in teaching that since I have knowledge and empathy for those who have suffered that kind of loss.
Christmas is almost here and I'm almost ready! I am finishing my shopping today. Then, I only have a few cards to make, some baking to do, and packages to wrap.
A few minutes later...I just looked in the paper and saw that my birth attendant with 2 of my kids died. She was only 49. I worked with her at Birthright and she was such a help when I was in labor with my 2nd and 3rd children. Needless to say, I'm very sad right now and reading about her death made me cry. I hadn't seen her in years, though when we'd see each other, we'd always say, " We need to get together." We never did...
The last thing I'd like to write about is my niece McKenzie. Her birthday is December 23 and every year, I think back to her birth day with very fond memories....
It was Tuesday, December 23, 2003. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with Sean and as I waddled into my laundry room with a basket of clothes, I had a thought. "The adoption agency said M and BJ would probably have a baby by Christmas. Yeah, right." It was a fleeting thought. After 4 months of active waiting and 2 false "the birth mom might pick M and BJ" alarms, we had all settled into a rut of waiting for "THE CALL". M and BJ began to pursue the avenue of adoption about a year after losing the triplets. At first, they looked into international adoption, but as new teachers, they weren't able to do that financially. So, they decided on domestic adoption. More specifically, the adoption of a bi-racial or black baby. At first, we all had our doubts about them adopting a baby of a different race. We aren't racists by any means, but we all wondered how a black or bi-racial baby would fit into our family....
At 5:15 p.m., I was putting on make-up, after my husband offered to take us out to dinner. I was exhausted, so I gladly took him up on it! The phone rang. I answered. My brother said to me, "Are you sitting down?" Immediately, my eyes teared up and told him yes. He said, "We got a call from the adoption agency. A baby was born this morning to a mom in Sikeston. She's a little black girl and we go on Friday to pick her up." We were expecting them to have to fly someplace to pick up their baby, but Sikeston?! That was so close!! I knew it had to be of God. Well, when I hung up the phone, I was floating!!!!! We went out to eat and trudged through the next 3 days hoping and praying that the birth mom wouldn't change her mind. On Christmas eve, my devotional passage was Galatians 4:4-5, which talks about us being adopted into God's family. I took it as a sign that things would work out and we would get her. Friday morning, I got another call from my sister-in-law telling me that they were now the proud parents of "the most beautiful baby girl". We anxiously waited at my parents' house for them to come home. Wow! What an incredible feeling it was to see M and BJ with a baby of their own after such a long, heartbreaking wait! It never has mattered to us that she's black. She's just Kenzie and we are so thankful to have her!!! Happy 4th birthday, Kenzie Wenzie!
Merry Christmas!
Paula

Pre-Christmas Odds and Ends

The Christmas season is upon us and for the first time in years, I am in the Christmas spirit! This week, I decorated my house and put up the tree. The kids and I spent Monday afternoon listening to Christmas music via my DirecTV XM satellite radio and filling the living room with boxes stuffed with decorations. At one point, I could hardly walk through the room, but we got it all cleaned up and I don't have to think about it again until January. House keeping is not my forte, so I'm glad it's done! I have even listened to a local Christian music station that is playing Christmas songs 24/7 until Christmas. This is not like me, as my music usually involves lots of electric guitar, heavy backbeat, and screaming.
In the next few days, I will be hearing of 2 baby announcements. One is the wife of a guy my husband works with. The other is the teenage mom from my church. I really do well in hearing baby news anymore, but I always feel my chest tighten a little. I don't know how long this will last or if it will ever go away. I can't associate it with sadness, nor can I put my finger on what emotion it is. It simply is there.
My niece had an ultrasound this week. She's due in April. The baby looks good, but she has placenta previa (a condition where the placenta is covering the cervix) and the placenta doesn't look healthy. We are all worried about that and I hope and pray everything goes well with her.
Today marks the 9th anniversary of the death of my nephew, Little Ricky. He was the 9th child born to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and the 2nd child of theirs to be born with Down Syndrome. He also had a serious heart defect. He died following heart surgery. I remember mentioning him in my Bible study group that morning and hearing later in the day that the surgery was successful. I was so thankful. His parents had been through so much. Later in the evening, my mother-in-law called me to tell me that Ricky's blood pressure had fallen and that they were having trouble stablizing it. They weren't sure he would make it. I prayed all night and the next morning called her back to see if she'd heard any news. She told me that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law were heading home. Ricky had died at about 7:30 December 1. His Mom was one of my best friends at the time. Things were never the same after he died and we haven't been as close since then. I did send a card this year. My anger and bitterness over her not sending a card when I lost my babies is gone. In recent months, I've gotten to know her again in a different capacity. Not really the friend I used to have, but something akin to friendship.
I'm getting ready to go to our local Christmas parade. I haven't been to one in 3 years, so I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Until I think of something else to write about...
Paula

Thankfulness

Yesterday we celebrated Thanksgiving and I also celebrated my 36th birthday. It was my in-laws' year, so we spent the day over at their house visiting and, of course, eating. It was a good day.
Since last Thanksgiving I have come to a point of being genuinely thankful for my current lot in life. I have it good. I'm healthy, I have a husband who loves me just the way I am, I have 5 healthy kids, and I am in good spirits. Life is a good thing for me right now, so it is easy to be thankful. I think back to 2 years ago and even last year. When I was at a sad, depressed point in my life and I needed to be constantly reminded of what I DO have, not what I don't, the following helped me.

Here's a small excerpt from the book "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado:
"Whatever the blessing is in our cup, it is sure to run over. With Him the calf is always the fatted calf; the robe is always the best robe; the joy is unspeakable; the peace passeth understanding.... There is no grudging in God's benevolence; He does not measure out His goodness as an apothecary counts his drops and measures his drams, slowly and exactly, drop by drop. God's way is always characterized by multitudinous and overflowing bounty." Quote by F. B. Meyer

Another excerpt from "Keep A Quiet Heart" by Elisabeth Elliot
"Blessings taken for granted are often forgotten. Yet our Heavenly Father 'daily loadeth us with benefits' (Psalm 68:19). Think of some of the common things which are nevertheless wonderful:
--the intricate, delicate mechanism of the lungs steadily and silently taking in fresh air 18 to 20 times a minute;
--the untiring heart, pumping great quantities of clean blood through the labyrinth of blood vessels;
--the constant body temperature, normally varying less than one degree;
--the atmospheric temperature, varying widely it is true, but never so much as to destroy human and animal life;
--the orderly succession of day and night, spring, summer, autumn, and winter, so that, with few exceptions, man can make his plans accordingly;
--the great variety of foods, from the farm, the field, the forest, and the sea, to suit our differing desires and physical needs;
--the beauties of each day--the morning star and growing light of sunrise, the white clouds of afternoon, the soft tints of a peaceful sunset, and the glory of the starry heavens;
--the symphony of early morning bird songs, ranging from the unmusical trill of the chirping sparrow to the lilting ecstasy of the goldfinch and the calm, rich, bell-like tones of the wood and hermit thrushes;
--the refreshment that sleep brings;
--the simple joys of home--the children's laughter and whimsical remarks, happy times around the table, the love and understanding of husband and wife, and the harmony of voices raised together in praise to God.
All these and many others come from the bountiful hand of Him 'who redeemeth my life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's' (Psalm 103: 4, 5)
'It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness.' (Lamentations 3:22, 23)
'It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord, and to sing praises unto Thy name, O most High' (Psalm 92:1)"

That is a good starting place for being thankful. Be thankful for the babies you have been pregnant with and the many lessons they have taught you: lessons in compassion toward others who face similar situations, in sensitivity, in knowing how precious unborn life is, and in looking forward to heaven.
Until next time,
Paula

Out of Fashion Sync

When my husband is on shift on Saturdays, I will often spend the night with my parents because I'm over at their house anyway and my church is only a couple of miles from where they live. I came over yesterday and discovered that I forgot to pack a shirt to wear today. Not wanting to go to church in only my bra, I thought this would give me an excuse to buy myself something new to wear. I like having new things, but I HATE to shop. I don't like the styles, I don't like how things look on me, and I just suck at it. After spending over an hour trying on different things, I decided on a pair of jeans and a black flowing long-sleeved shirt. I am wearing it as I type and have been extremely self conscious about it all day. Because of the long, flowing nature, I wonder if tongues at church are wagging and saying, "I thought Paula had a hysterectomy, but she sure looks pregnant!" I know this is the style, but for a woman who has been pregnant 8 times, it's not a good look for me. I do have a figure--not a great one yet, but a figure nonetheless. I don't like the muuumuu look or the thought that someone might mistake me for being pregnant.
When I graduated from high school in 1990, the style was big shirts and ripped jeans. At the time, I weighed 95 lbs. and had a pretty nice figure. After I had several kids, the style was form fitting shirts and skinny jeans. I wish that had been the style when I had the body for it. The high waist, flowing shirts would have been nice when I was pregnant early on and didn't have anything to wear. My body has always been out of fashion sync. I know this subject is off the miscarriage theme, but the whole idea of someone thinking I'm pregnant now when I'm not bothers me, so I guess it remotely relates.
Never the Fashion Queen,
Paula