Since my hysterectomy 16 months ago, I have had a steady stream of pregnancy dreams. Maybe one every couple of months or so. But this week, I've had three. Sunday night, I dreamed I was pregnant, but my belly wasn't getting as big as it should have. At first, the doctor thought something was wrong with the baby, but then he decided everything was fine and I was scheduled for a c-section two days later. I woke up, not pregnant and no baby to look forward to in 2 days. I was depressed for half of the day because the dream was so real. Another time this week, I was pregnant and again they thought something was wrong with the baby because my belly wasn't big. I always got HUGE when I was pregnant, so I'm really not sure why I keep dreaming this. It's never going to happen. I don't know if my hormones are whacked out or what. I have also been having nightmares recently, which is not like me. These are the same kinds of things I always dreamed when I was pregnant. Very weird and depressing.
A good friend of mine is expecting at the end of August. I am looking forward to meeting her little one, but I'm a little nervous about how I'll react to hearing her initial news of the baby's birth. She reads this blog and I've told her before that I want to be brutally honest when I write, so I hope she understands why I'm even posting. It's just something that's been on my mind. You know I love you, L, and I love your baby, too!! I may be just fine when I hear, but the last time I heard of a friend of having a baby, I lost it (psycho February post). We'll see....
On a different note, my biopsy went well. I barely felt the needle used to give me anesthetic and only felt the biopsy needle a little more than that. I swear the anesthetic didn't work, because my boob never did get numb. I have a big bruise on it and it still hurts a little, but it really wasn't that bad. The radiologist who did it told me that if it wasn't an adenoma, it should be. He said it looked just like one. Then after he did the biopsy, which only took about 15 minutes, he told me that he was pretty sure it was benign. Sigh of relief!
There are other things I could write about, but I think I'll leave them alone for now.
Hope you're having a wicked awesome summer,
Paula
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
I can finally exhale....
After holding my breath for over a month, I finally have an answer to my breast lump. Or at least it's an ALMOST sure one. Benign fibroadenoma. BENIGN! My appointment had been postponed from July 3 to July 26, then the office rescheduled me again for yesterday.
I got the call on Monday morning that I had been pushed up to the 18th. My heart stopped and then my brain quit working. I had been doing a pretty good job of not thinking about it, even though it hurt quite a bit last week. I figured that I wouldn't start worrying until next Tuesday night maybe. After I got off of the phone, I literally couldn't think of anything else until it was over with. I felt like I was on this huge balance of life--if it tipped one way, my life could possibly soon be over and if it tipped the other, I would be fine. In between is a terrible place to be--not knowing how a 15 minute doctor's appointment could change your life. When I signed up to do the Avon walk, I didn't really have a reason. I know now why I walked. I walked for those who are on that balance--waiting for a diagnosis, for the treatments to work, to be told what the next step in their lives might hold for them... Anyway. The doctor gave me three options: 1) wait and see if it changes; 2) go ahead and do a biopsy to be sure it is benign; and 3) go ahead and surgically remove it. I'm not a wait and see kind of person and I think I've had enough surgery in the past couple of years, so those were out. I go in next Thursday for an ultrasound-guided biopsy. It doesn't sound like fun to me, but I'm so giddy about not hearing the "C" word that I'm really not worried about it.
I have thought about 50 different things to write about in the past 2 weeks, but haven't had time to put them into the computer. The subjects ranged from losing the matriarch of my husband's family (Grammy) to my oldest daughter's 13th birthday to the 2 year anniversary of having and losing my little Blessing. I'll cover that one.....
July 17, 2005, I found out that I was expecting for the 8th and final time. I didn't let myself get excited or really even think about the baby that much, for the 3 short weeks I knew I was pregnant. I don't think that numbness helped me in anyway after losing Blessing--I still grieved hard. That little baby deserved to be thought about and be excited over and it wasn't until after I lost her that I realized that. (I don't know why, but I think that baby was a girl. I think Christian and Mercy were boys. It's just a hunch.) I had been a long time since I cried over my baby, but on Tuesday night, I did. I'm bawling right now, too. I guess it doesn't really matter how much time passes--I still miss my babies.....
One of these days, I will write about how I've changed since losing my babies. Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore, be it good or bad, there's a little of both, but I'll get to that another time.
This week has been Vacation Bible School at our church, so I've been running around like crazy.
I'll write more soon,
Paula
I got the call on Monday morning that I had been pushed up to the 18th. My heart stopped and then my brain quit working. I had been doing a pretty good job of not thinking about it, even though it hurt quite a bit last week. I figured that I wouldn't start worrying until next Tuesday night maybe. After I got off of the phone, I literally couldn't think of anything else until it was over with. I felt like I was on this huge balance of life--if it tipped one way, my life could possibly soon be over and if it tipped the other, I would be fine. In between is a terrible place to be--not knowing how a 15 minute doctor's appointment could change your life. When I signed up to do the Avon walk, I didn't really have a reason. I know now why I walked. I walked for those who are on that balance--waiting for a diagnosis, for the treatments to work, to be told what the next step in their lives might hold for them... Anyway. The doctor gave me three options: 1) wait and see if it changes; 2) go ahead and do a biopsy to be sure it is benign; and 3) go ahead and surgically remove it. I'm not a wait and see kind of person and I think I've had enough surgery in the past couple of years, so those were out. I go in next Thursday for an ultrasound-guided biopsy. It doesn't sound like fun to me, but I'm so giddy about not hearing the "C" word that I'm really not worried about it.
I have thought about 50 different things to write about in the past 2 weeks, but haven't had time to put them into the computer. The subjects ranged from losing the matriarch of my husband's family (Grammy) to my oldest daughter's 13th birthday to the 2 year anniversary of having and losing my little Blessing. I'll cover that one.....
July 17, 2005, I found out that I was expecting for the 8th and final time. I didn't let myself get excited or really even think about the baby that much, for the 3 short weeks I knew I was pregnant. I don't think that numbness helped me in anyway after losing Blessing--I still grieved hard. That little baby deserved to be thought about and be excited over and it wasn't until after I lost her that I realized that. (I don't know why, but I think that baby was a girl. I think Christian and Mercy were boys. It's just a hunch.) I had been a long time since I cried over my baby, but on Tuesday night, I did. I'm bawling right now, too. I guess it doesn't really matter how much time passes--I still miss my babies.....
One of these days, I will write about how I've changed since losing my babies. Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore, be it good or bad, there's a little of both, but I'll get to that another time.
This week has been Vacation Bible School at our church, so I've been running around like crazy.
I'll write more soon,
Paula
Saturday, June 30, 2007
My Avon Walk
Sorry it's been so long in posting about this, but I have been very busy this week, recovering and my husband's grandma died, which has made things even busier.
Last Saturday and Sunday, I participated in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in Denver, CO--two fun (?) filled days of walking, talking, aching, and visiting the Medical tent. There is so much to write about, but I'm just going to give a few highlights.
First, I completed the whole walk. 39.3 miles. At least. The first day was suppose to be a 26.2 mile walk, but a lady who was wearing a GPS said hers registered 30 miles. Anyway, it was a long day. There were 800 women and some men who walked--old, young, skinny, heavy, survivors, and those walking in memory or in honor of someone.
Second, the whole event raised $2.2 million! I thought that was an awesome amount considering the number of participants. At the closing ceremony, some of the organizations it goes to were mentioned. One of them was one that helps children whose parents are in treatment for cancer. A Mom and her 2 little boys were representing. When the Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and undergoing treatment, the little boy told her that it wasn't what she looked like on the outside that made her his Mommy, but what was on the inside. Needless to say, I bawled at that one.
Third, the volunteers were amazing!!!!! So very helpful! Some of them were volunteering because they had a wife walking, but some just wanted to help. I met one young man who just thought it would be a good thing to help with, but just found out 5 days before that his sister has breast cancer. When I saw him later in the day, I gave him my little pink ribbon pin to give to his sister. He put it in his cap and gave me a hug. I was glad I'd done it. Another volunteer, an older man, would change his hat each time I'd see him. One time he'd have a pink cowboy hat on, the next he'd have a huge pink furry hat on. It was funny and kept the day interesting. Still another rode a bicycle all day both days checking on us to make sure we were doing OK and were well hydrated. The second day, I heard him tell someone that he'd ridden 87 miles on Saturday! If someone wanted to do something great for the breast cancer cause, volunteering at one of these events is a GREAT idea!
Finally, I'm thinking that this may be the beginning of a bi-annual event! My sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and I are already planning on doing the Avon walk in San Diego in 2 years. I've never been to California, so it ought to be interesting.
To close, my own doctor's appointment has been postponed until July 26 because the doctor will not be in on the 3rd. I am pretty sure that whatever is going on is benign, but I'd still appreciate any prayers you could send up for me.
Thank you and I'll talk to you later,
Paula
Last Saturday and Sunday, I participated in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in Denver, CO--two fun (?) filled days of walking, talking, aching, and visiting the Medical tent. There is so much to write about, but I'm just going to give a few highlights.
First, I completed the whole walk. 39.3 miles. At least. The first day was suppose to be a 26.2 mile walk, but a lady who was wearing a GPS said hers registered 30 miles. Anyway, it was a long day. There were 800 women and some men who walked--old, young, skinny, heavy, survivors, and those walking in memory or in honor of someone.
Second, the whole event raised $2.2 million! I thought that was an awesome amount considering the number of participants. At the closing ceremony, some of the organizations it goes to were mentioned. One of them was one that helps children whose parents are in treatment for cancer. A Mom and her 2 little boys were representing. When the Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and undergoing treatment, the little boy told her that it wasn't what she looked like on the outside that made her his Mommy, but what was on the inside. Needless to say, I bawled at that one.
Third, the volunteers were amazing!!!!! So very helpful! Some of them were volunteering because they had a wife walking, but some just wanted to help. I met one young man who just thought it would be a good thing to help with, but just found out 5 days before that his sister has breast cancer. When I saw him later in the day, I gave him my little pink ribbon pin to give to his sister. He put it in his cap and gave me a hug. I was glad I'd done it. Another volunteer, an older man, would change his hat each time I'd see him. One time he'd have a pink cowboy hat on, the next he'd have a huge pink furry hat on. It was funny and kept the day interesting. Still another rode a bicycle all day both days checking on us to make sure we were doing OK and were well hydrated. The second day, I heard him tell someone that he'd ridden 87 miles on Saturday! If someone wanted to do something great for the breast cancer cause, volunteering at one of these events is a GREAT idea!
Finally, I'm thinking that this may be the beginning of a bi-annual event! My sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and I are already planning on doing the Avon walk in San Diego in 2 years. I've never been to California, so it ought to be interesting.
To close, my own doctor's appointment has been postponed until July 26 because the doctor will not be in on the 3rd. I am pretty sure that whatever is going on is benign, but I'd still appreciate any prayers you could send up for me.
Thank you and I'll talk to you later,
Paula
Friday, June 15, 2007
Uncertain results
Here is a short update on what I found out.
I called my doctor's office today and they told me that I have a "soft tissue mass". I don't know what that means. I am scheduled to see a specialist in "breast stuff" July 3 to see if I need to have a biopsy.
In the meantime, I am worried, but I suppose there is nothing I can do about that.
Please pray for me,
Paula
I called my doctor's office today and they told me that I have a "soft tissue mass". I don't know what that means. I am scheduled to see a specialist in "breast stuff" July 3 to see if I need to have a biopsy.
In the meantime, I am worried, but I suppose there is nothing I can do about that.
Please pray for me,
Paula
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Unexpected emotions
It seems like every time I think I'm good and won't cry anymore about my babies, something new pops up unexpectedly to make me. That happened on Monday morning when I called my gyn (she's no longer my ob). I haven't made a phone call to the office since before my hysterectomy 15 months ago. All the memories of calling, excited to know when my first prenatal appointment would be, caught up with me when I heard the voice of the same receptionist that I talked to over 3 years ago when I was wondering if I could go into labor soon because I had lost my mucous plug. I had never lost it that I knew of with my other pregnancies and was hopeful to go into labor early. That didn't happen, but that's another story. Anyway, after I hung up the phone, I started bawling. I came about this close (I'm holding my finger and my thumb about a 1/4 inch apart) to calling you, Angie, but I decided to buck up and quit acting like a baby. I think it should have been time for a period, because I have been awfully weepy this week.
I made the appointment Monday because of a painful lump in my right breast. I talked to the nurse, who set up an ultrasound for today to have it checked out. My last few ultrasounds have ended in bad news, which makes me nervous about this one. I know it's silly to associate negative events of the past with my present, but I still feel that way. I honestly think that what has been bothering me for the past few months is a cyst that I've had for years. It doesn't help that in the past 2 weeks I've heard of 2 women who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'm doing the breast cancer walk next weekend, June 23 and 24. I don't like the irony of it all. I'll post what I find out.
To my walk--I am SO not ready! My longest walk has been 8 miles, which I did last Friday. My oldest daughter is taking a summer school class with my brother, who is an 8th grade science teacher in a local district, so taking her to school and picking her up everyday has totally messed up my schedule! If I am able to walk the 13.1 miles on Saturday and Sunday, I'll be happy.
Have a good day,
Paula
I made the appointment Monday because of a painful lump in my right breast. I talked to the nurse, who set up an ultrasound for today to have it checked out. My last few ultrasounds have ended in bad news, which makes me nervous about this one. I know it's silly to associate negative events of the past with my present, but I still feel that way. I honestly think that what has been bothering me for the past few months is a cyst that I've had for years. It doesn't help that in the past 2 weeks I've heard of 2 women who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'm doing the breast cancer walk next weekend, June 23 and 24. I don't like the irony of it all. I'll post what I find out.
To my walk--I am SO not ready! My longest walk has been 8 miles, which I did last Friday. My oldest daughter is taking a summer school class with my brother, who is an 8th grade science teacher in a local district, so taking her to school and picking her up everyday has totally messed up my schedule! If I am able to walk the 13.1 miles on Saturday and Sunday, I'll be happy.
Have a good day,
Paula
Thursday, June 7, 2007
5,823 and other notable events from the weekend
Wow! What a time I had in Ohio! I went into the weekend with a very bad attitude and came out of it planning to do it again next year.
First I want to say that Dresden is one of the friendliest places I have ever been. Everyone is not only very friendly, but very outgoing, too, which I like because I'm not like that. It's small, which I also like, and not real tourist-y.
The first night, we ate at the Longaberger Home Show Experience. It was a nice, simple meal in a building that displayed every Longaberger product. For those not familiar with Longaberger, they specialize in baskets and pottery. I'm not much of a decorator and all of their products are functional, too, so that suits me just fine.
The next day was filled with visiting the factory, shopping, and eating lunch at the Longaberger estate. It, too, was nice and simple. Friday night, my Mom, Sister-in-law, a new friend, and I all went to a restaurant/pub called The Depot for a drink. I'm not usually a drinker, but I'll have one every now and again. We had a blast laughing and enjoying the patio. The weather was perfect that night.
Saturday morning, we went to a private opening of one of the stores called Aimee's. It sells baskets, liners for them, protectors for them, Italian charms, and other little knick-knacky things. They had a contest to see who could guess how many popcorn kernels were in a jar. I had almost forgot about it when they reminded our group to finish guessing, so they could announce the winner. I wrote down my number--5,823. I have 5 living children, I've been pregnant 8 times, and Mercy was due on October 23. I know that's a twisted way of guessing, but that's how I did it. Well, I won! I got a $25 gift certificate on the Italian charms. I found several that describe me: 3 for my lost babies in the birthstone month I lost them, a scrapbooking one, a rock and roll one, a basket, a firefighter, a honey bee, and a few others that I can't remember right off. We met the other ladies at lunchtime at Popeye's, a little 50's style diner on the strip. They had awesome burgers, onion rings, and these little things called "The One Bite Sundae". It was perfect! No guilt because there weren't very many calories. :)
Late in the afternoon, we had appointments to make our own baskets. It was fun and educational. I now have a basket that I made sitting in my kitchen holding my utensils. In the evening, we went over to The Depot again for another drink and karaoke night. I had never been to one before and boy! I don't think I've ever had so much fun! I didn't karaoke, but most of our group did. We were loud and I'm not sure The Depot will ever be the same. Hee. Hee. Jeff Longaberger, one of the heirs, happened to be there and he bought us all a drink. The next morning, he stopped by our Bed and Breakfast to sign baskets and have his picture taken with us. Then we came home. We've all decided that this HAS to be an annual girls' trip.
While I was gone, my husband and mother-in-law moved my boy to a big boy bed. Until now, he's been sleeping in the crib. Last night, my husband took the crib down. It has been in our room, sleeping one baby or waiting for one for almost 9 years. My room seemed really empty last night and I'm sure it'll take awhile to get used to. It's like the last little shreds of babyhood are leaving my home and I can't say I really like it!
I better go. Today is my 4th daughter's birthday. She's 6. Tonight, we're taking her out for dinner.
Until I think of something else to blog about,
Paula
First I want to say that Dresden is one of the friendliest places I have ever been. Everyone is not only very friendly, but very outgoing, too, which I like because I'm not like that. It's small, which I also like, and not real tourist-y.
The first night, we ate at the Longaberger Home Show Experience. It was a nice, simple meal in a building that displayed every Longaberger product. For those not familiar with Longaberger, they specialize in baskets and pottery. I'm not much of a decorator and all of their products are functional, too, so that suits me just fine.
The next day was filled with visiting the factory, shopping, and eating lunch at the Longaberger estate. It, too, was nice and simple. Friday night, my Mom, Sister-in-law, a new friend, and I all went to a restaurant/pub called The Depot for a drink. I'm not usually a drinker, but I'll have one every now and again. We had a blast laughing and enjoying the patio. The weather was perfect that night.
Saturday morning, we went to a private opening of one of the stores called Aimee's. It sells baskets, liners for them, protectors for them, Italian charms, and other little knick-knacky things. They had a contest to see who could guess how many popcorn kernels were in a jar. I had almost forgot about it when they reminded our group to finish guessing, so they could announce the winner. I wrote down my number--5,823. I have 5 living children, I've been pregnant 8 times, and Mercy was due on October 23. I know that's a twisted way of guessing, but that's how I did it. Well, I won! I got a $25 gift certificate on the Italian charms. I found several that describe me: 3 for my lost babies in the birthstone month I lost them, a scrapbooking one, a rock and roll one, a basket, a firefighter, a honey bee, and a few others that I can't remember right off. We met the other ladies at lunchtime at Popeye's, a little 50's style diner on the strip. They had awesome burgers, onion rings, and these little things called "The One Bite Sundae". It was perfect! No guilt because there weren't very many calories. :)
Late in the afternoon, we had appointments to make our own baskets. It was fun and educational. I now have a basket that I made sitting in my kitchen holding my utensils. In the evening, we went over to The Depot again for another drink and karaoke night. I had never been to one before and boy! I don't think I've ever had so much fun! I didn't karaoke, but most of our group did. We were loud and I'm not sure The Depot will ever be the same. Hee. Hee. Jeff Longaberger, one of the heirs, happened to be there and he bought us all a drink. The next morning, he stopped by our Bed and Breakfast to sign baskets and have his picture taken with us. Then we came home. We've all decided that this HAS to be an annual girls' trip.
While I was gone, my husband and mother-in-law moved my boy to a big boy bed. Until now, he's been sleeping in the crib. Last night, my husband took the crib down. It has been in our room, sleeping one baby or waiting for one for almost 9 years. My room seemed really empty last night and I'm sure it'll take awhile to get used to. It's like the last little shreds of babyhood are leaving my home and I can't say I really like it!
I better go. Today is my 4th daughter's birthday. She's 6. Tonight, we're taking her out for dinner.
Until I think of something else to blog about,
Paula
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Ohio, here I come!
The title for this post sounds much more excited than I feel. Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Dresden, Ohio to spend a few days with my mom, my sister-in-law, and my sister-in-law's sister (what a mouthful!). We will be touring the Longaberger factory, shopping, and enjoying (?) a little R & R. I am really not looking forward to going. Dreading it is a better word for what I feel. I don't know why. I have never left my children for this long, so it might be that. I don't know my sis-in-law's sis that well. Maybe that's it. I'm not super into the basket thing, so that could be it as well. I'm leaving in 3 weeks for Denver, so I feel like I'm abandoning my family. I'm wondering if it should have been "that time", because I feel really grouchy.
Forgive my whining. Whoever reads this, please say a prayer for us and for my kiddos at home. I'm kind of a control freak with my kids in that I always want to know where they are and what they're doing. Maybe it's because I'm with them 24/7. I just know I'm going to miss them this weekend!
Later,
Paula
Forgive my whining. Whoever reads this, please say a prayer for us and for my kiddos at home. I'm kind of a control freak with my kids in that I always want to know where they are and what they're doing. Maybe it's because I'm with them 24/7. I just know I'm going to miss them this weekend!
Later,
Paula
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