Is there a cure for the Baby Bug?

I want to start todays entry with a BIG congratulations to my good friend who gave birth to her fifth child and first boy this morning! Congratulations, L!
I have to admit that all week, I've been nervous about hearing her news. I have been very excited and anxious to hear, but I am still in uncharted territory as far as being ecstatically happy for new moms. I can say honestly and very proudly that I am ecstatically happy for her! This is a first for me since losing my babies and my ability to have them.
That brings me to my title: Is there a cure for the Baby Bug? Earlier this week, I cried for the first time in a long time over not being able to have another baby. I thought for a brief minute about looking into adoption again, but we are not financially able to do that right now. I don't know if the excitement over L's baby made me want another one so badly or if my symptoms of the Baby Bug are just rearing their ugly heads again. Some of the symptoms include: aching to hold a baby, missing the poopy diapers and sleepless nights (you know you want one if you think about that stuff), remembering all of the cute, sweet things your babies did, and the general feeling that something is missing from your life. I have decided in my uncertainty this week that it's not so much that I miss my miscarried babies, but I miss terribly having a little one and all of the excitement and joy they bring. I do miss my babies, don't get me wrong, but I think missing being a mom to a little baby is what brings me the most heartache now. It's kind of like going on a vacation to a wonderful place and never being able to go back. A friend and I talked a little bit about the "Bug" and it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I hope her longing is fulfilled the way the Lord wants it to be...
There are a few things that I have yet to do since losing my babies: visit a new mom in the hospital, hold a newborn, watch "Birth Day" on Discovery Health (these types of shows were my favorite when I was anxiously awaiting the births several of my babies), or look at my prenatal books that I never had the courage to get rid of. I did look in my baby names book this week because I was cleaning off bookshelves. I looked at it incessantly when I was pregnant trying to find the right name for each of my babies. It really didn't make me sad, but I guess I had a little pang. I have a lot of those, which is better than a huge heartache. I may be facing 2 of those "firsts" tomorrow. I think I will be fine and in my healing process, I've found that every little victory (holding a baby for the first time after losing one, buying baby things for someone else, being genuinely happy for a new mom or a pregnant woman) are treatments for the Baby Bug. I don't think there is a cure. It's something you just live with.....
Hopelessly incurable, but learning to live with it,
Paula

A Note to the Newly Grief-stricken and their Loved Ones

After learning of a woman who lost twins last week at 20 weeks, I decided that I should put a little note in my blog to those who have found this and have recently lost a baby.
I have written this blog from the perspective of one who has had 1 1/2 to 2 years of healing. Some of the emotions are very raw still, but for the most part, I am OK. For my story and most of the story of my healing since losing my babies, please look at the earliest entries of my blog.
To those wanting to help someone who has lost a baby, my advice would be to:
*remember--the baby's due date, date when he/she was lost, and just the fact that the Mom is healing and will be for a long time.
*send a card--even if there is nothing else to be done, the Mom can keep these as a memory of her baby. I still have the cards from when I lost Christian 14 years ago.
*take food--it's hard to think of anything when you are grieving, so this is something that is always appreciated.
*take time to read up on what your loved one is going through. Even if you've never been there, it is possible to be sensitive to their needs.
*Don't--expect a timeline for your loved one to be better. Everyone heals in their own time. Also, let them grieve in their own way. Some of us go a little wild when we're grieving, including me. I ran from God fast and hard, but eventually, I did come back and He welcomed me back. For a little more about this, read the chapter about grief in the book "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado. (It's a great book with only one chapter about grief, but that chapter hit the nail on the head when it came to my story.)
*Don't--send a birth announcement if you've had a baby, or expect the grieving Mom to want to see your baby. I've been on both sides of the coin on this one. It's hard to want to show your little one off and have another not want to see him/her, but it is even harder to see a baby and long to have your baby back.
For those going through this grief, I'm so sorry. I hope what I've gleaned from the past couple of years will help you.
God bless you,
Paula

The Pregnancy Dream

Since my hysterectomy 16 months ago, I have had a steady stream of pregnancy dreams. Maybe one every couple of months or so. But this week, I've had three. Sunday night, I dreamed I was pregnant, but my belly wasn't getting as big as it should have. At first, the doctor thought something was wrong with the baby, but then he decided everything was fine and I was scheduled for a c-section two days later. I woke up, not pregnant and no baby to look forward to in 2 days. I was depressed for half of the day because the dream was so real. Another time this week, I was pregnant and again they thought something was wrong with the baby because my belly wasn't big. I always got HUGE when I was pregnant, so I'm really not sure why I keep dreaming this. It's never going to happen. I don't know if my hormones are whacked out or what. I have also been having nightmares recently, which is not like me. These are the same kinds of things I always dreamed when I was pregnant. Very weird and depressing.
A good friend of mine is expecting at the end of August. I am looking forward to meeting her little one, but I'm a little nervous about how I'll react to hearing her initial news of the baby's birth. She reads this blog and I've told her before that I want to be brutally honest when I write, so I hope she understands why I'm even posting. It's just something that's been on my mind. You know I love you, L, and I love your baby, too!! I may be just fine when I hear, but the last time I heard of a friend of having a baby, I lost it (psycho February post). We'll see....
On a different note, my biopsy went well. I barely felt the needle used to give me anesthetic and only felt the biopsy needle a little more than that. I swear the anesthetic didn't work, because my boob never did get numb. I have a big bruise on it and it still hurts a little, but it really wasn't that bad. The radiologist who did it told me that if it wasn't an adenoma, it should be. He said it looked just like one. Then after he did the biopsy, which only took about 15 minutes, he told me that he was pretty sure it was benign. Sigh of relief!
There are other things I could write about, but I think I'll leave them alone for now.
Hope you're having a wicked awesome summer,
Paula

I can finally exhale....

After holding my breath for over a month, I finally have an answer to my breast lump. Or at least it's an ALMOST sure one. Benign fibroadenoma. BENIGN! My appointment had been postponed from July 3 to July 26, then the office rescheduled me again for yesterday.
I got the call on Monday morning that I had been pushed up to the 18th. My heart stopped and then my brain quit working. I had been doing a pretty good job of not thinking about it, even though it hurt quite a bit last week. I figured that I wouldn't start worrying until next Tuesday night maybe. After I got off of the phone, I literally couldn't think of anything else until it was over with. I felt like I was on this huge balance of life--if it tipped one way, my life could possibly soon be over and if it tipped the other, I would be fine. In between is a terrible place to be--not knowing how a 15 minute doctor's appointment could change your life. When I signed up to do the Avon walk, I didn't really have a reason. I know now why I walked. I walked for those who are on that balance--waiting for a diagnosis, for the treatments to work, to be told what the next step in their lives might hold for them... Anyway. The doctor gave me three options: 1) wait and see if it changes; 2) go ahead and do a biopsy to be sure it is benign; and 3) go ahead and surgically remove it. I'm not a wait and see kind of person and I think I've had enough surgery in the past couple of years, so those were out. I go in next Thursday for an ultrasound-guided biopsy. It doesn't sound like fun to me, but I'm so giddy about not hearing the "C" word that I'm really not worried about it.
I have thought about 50 different things to write about in the past 2 weeks, but haven't had time to put them into the computer. The subjects ranged from losing the matriarch of my husband's family (Grammy) to my oldest daughter's 13th birthday to the 2 year anniversary of having and losing my little Blessing. I'll cover that one.....
July 17, 2005, I found out that I was expecting for the 8th and final time. I didn't let myself get excited or really even think about the baby that much, for the 3 short weeks I knew I was pregnant. I don't think that numbness helped me in anyway after losing Blessing--I still grieved hard. That little baby deserved to be thought about and be excited over and it wasn't until after I lost her that I realized that. (I don't know why, but I think that baby was a girl. I think Christian and Mercy were boys. It's just a hunch.) I had been a long time since I cried over my baby, but on Tuesday night, I did. I'm bawling right now, too. I guess it doesn't really matter how much time passes--I still miss my babies.....
One of these days, I will write about how I've changed since losing my babies. Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore, be it good or bad, there's a little of both, but I'll get to that another time.
This week has been Vacation Bible School at our church, so I've been running around like crazy.
I'll write more soon,
Paula

My Avon Walk

Sorry it's been so long in posting about this, but I have been very busy this week, recovering and my husband's grandma died, which has made things even busier.
Last Saturday and Sunday, I participated in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in Denver, CO--two fun (?) filled days of walking, talking, aching, and visiting the Medical tent. There is so much to write about, but I'm just going to give a few highlights.
First, I completed the whole walk. 39.3 miles. At least. The first day was suppose to be a 26.2 mile walk, but a lady who was wearing a GPS said hers registered 30 miles. Anyway, it was a long day. There were 800 women and some men who walked--old, young, skinny, heavy, survivors, and those walking in memory or in honor of someone.
Second, the whole event raised $2.2 million! I thought that was an awesome amount considering the number of participants. At the closing ceremony, some of the organizations it goes to were mentioned. One of them was one that helps children whose parents are in treatment for cancer. A Mom and her 2 little boys were representing. When the Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and undergoing treatment, the little boy told her that it wasn't what she looked like on the outside that made her his Mommy, but what was on the inside. Needless to say, I bawled at that one.
Third, the volunteers were amazing!!!!! So very helpful! Some of them were volunteering because they had a wife walking, but some just wanted to help. I met one young man who just thought it would be a good thing to help with, but just found out 5 days before that his sister has breast cancer. When I saw him later in the day, I gave him my little pink ribbon pin to give to his sister. He put it in his cap and gave me a hug. I was glad I'd done it. Another volunteer, an older man, would change his hat each time I'd see him. One time he'd have a pink cowboy hat on, the next he'd have a huge pink furry hat on. It was funny and kept the day interesting. Still another rode a bicycle all day both days checking on us to make sure we were doing OK and were well hydrated. The second day, I heard him tell someone that he'd ridden 87 miles on Saturday! If someone wanted to do something great for the breast cancer cause, volunteering at one of these events is a GREAT idea!
Finally, I'm thinking that this may be the beginning of a bi-annual event! My sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and I are already planning on doing the Avon walk in San Diego in 2 years. I've never been to California, so it ought to be interesting.
To close, my own doctor's appointment has been postponed until July 26 because the doctor will not be in on the 3rd. I am pretty sure that whatever is going on is benign, but I'd still appreciate any prayers you could send up for me.
Thank you and I'll talk to you later,
Paula

Uncertain results

Here is a short update on what I found out.
I called my doctor's office today and they told me that I have a "soft tissue mass". I don't know what that means. I am scheduled to see a specialist in "breast stuff" July 3 to see if I need to have a biopsy.
In the meantime, I am worried, but I suppose there is nothing I can do about that.
Please pray for me,
Paula

Unexpected emotions

It seems like every time I think I'm good and won't cry anymore about my babies, something new pops up unexpectedly to make me. That happened on Monday morning when I called my gyn (she's no longer my ob). I haven't made a phone call to the office since before my hysterectomy 15 months ago. All the memories of calling, excited to know when my first prenatal appointment would be, caught up with me when I heard the voice of the same receptionist that I talked to over 3 years ago when I was wondering if I could go into labor soon because I had lost my mucous plug. I had never lost it that I knew of with my other pregnancies and was hopeful to go into labor early. That didn't happen, but that's another story. Anyway, after I hung up the phone, I started bawling. I came about this close (I'm holding my finger and my thumb about a 1/4 inch apart) to calling you, Angie, but I decided to buck up and quit acting like a baby. I think it should have been time for a period, because I have been awfully weepy this week.
I made the appointment Monday because of a painful lump in my right breast. I talked to the nurse, who set up an ultrasound for today to have it checked out. My last few ultrasounds have ended in bad news, which makes me nervous about this one. I know it's silly to associate negative events of the past with my present, but I still feel that way. I honestly think that what has been bothering me for the past few months is a cyst that I've had for years. It doesn't help that in the past 2 weeks I've heard of 2 women who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'm doing the breast cancer walk next weekend, June 23 and 24. I don't like the irony of it all. I'll post what I find out.
To my walk--I am SO not ready! My longest walk has been 8 miles, which I did last Friday. My oldest daughter is taking a summer school class with my brother, who is an 8th grade science teacher in a local district, so taking her to school and picking her up everyday has totally messed up my schedule! If I am able to walk the 13.1 miles on Saturday and Sunday, I'll be happy.
Have a good day,
Paula