Found

Last Friday, I woke up to an awful stench in my kitchen. We had recently put out mouse poison, so I knew that a mouse most likely "given up the ghost" somewhere in one of the cabinets. After doing the never pleasant sniff test, I figured out which cabinet it was--my card/junk cabinet. I didn't have any time to go through and find the thing, as I was busy from the time I got up until the time I got home at 8:30 p.m., so I left it for Saturday.
Saturday morning, the smell was even more nauseating, so I set to work on finding it early. I took out a couple of boxes and there it was. My oldest daughter, who runs her own "Mouse Disposal Service: $1 per mouse" business, wasn't home, so I paid my second daughter to dispose of it. (Why do it myself if my kids will do it for money?!) Upon picking up the mouse with a plastic bag over her hand, we discovered that it had a baby mouse laying beside it! Great! How many more of the nasty things had died under there?? It turns out that the baby was the only one and it wasn't dead yet. I knew it couldn't survive, but if I thought it had a fighting chance, I would have tried to save it. I'm just that way--I can't stand to see a little thing die!!! I also couldn't bear to kill it, so I waited for my husband to come home and do the job. While we were waiting, my kids sat around looking at it and feeling sorry for it, too. I'm surprised they didn't cry when my dh killed it.
Later that day, I started looking through the boxes of cards I had taken out of the cabinet and in one of them I found my ultrasound picture of Mercy. It was in a card from an acquaintance who'd had 5 miscarriages of her own. My husband and daughter were in the kitchen with me, so I nonchalantly walked out, card in hand, to go to the bathroom and cry. When I was better, I put the card and the u/s photo in my Bible. I haven't looked at it again, but it's there when I want to.
That night, we built a fire in our yard, roasted marshmallows, and made S'Mores. For the first time in a long time, I thought about how things would have been if Mercy wouldn't have died. I would have been freaked out when my little almost 2 year old got near the fire or when he/she got out of the firelight range into the darkness. I didn't cry, but I was quiet and pensive all day and night.
I'm glad I found the picture and am glad that I'll see Mercy again, full of life.
Paula

The Race Was Won

I was introduced to blogging when Amy, the 26 year old daughter of a friend, was diagnosed with leukemia in July 2006. Her family set up a blog for her as a source of information for her family and friends, as well as a place for posting prayer requests. Amy lost her battle with cancer yesterday, but won the prize of eternal life. I've been praying for her and my heart breaks for her family. Her Mom was especially helpful to me when my nephew died almost 9 years ago. Her Mom and I were both close to my sister-in-law and it hurts to know she has to endure the pain of losing a child, the kind of pain we didn't understand (and I still don't).
To read of Amy's struggle and her incredible testimony of the grace of God, visit: wilhoite.blogspot.com
Once again reminded of my gratefulness for eternal life,
Paula

Baby Barrage

I love babies and I've ALWAYS loved babies. When I was little (7, 8, 9 or so), I was the one asking my babysitter if I could change the babies' diapers for her. Many times she would let me, so by the time I had a babysitting job, I could change them pretty well--even cloth ones. Once, a Mom of one of the babies told my babysitter not to let me carry her baby around. I was crushed. I look back now and I certainly would have said the same. I was VERY particular about who held my babies.
This past week, I had the opportunity to hold 2 babies on separate occasions. The first, the newborn from my last post. The other, a 7 month old whose birth I wrote about in February. I truly enjoyed holding them. There's something so wonderful about holding a little someone. I felt the joy that I used to feel before I had kids--the happiness of holding someone else's baby and being able to give him back. It was a little different because now I can't look forward to having my own, but it was joy nonetheless. Every little victory is noteworthy.
Also, this week, I found out that another one of my nieces is expecting. One told me she was a few weeks ago, but she has been spotting. Her hcg levels are going up, but the spotting continues. She will have an ultrasound on the 13th to check on the baby. The one I found about this week is suppose to be a secret, but my mother-in-law told me anyway. I'm anxious and nervous to see how my sister-in-law will tell me. This is the same sister-in-law I've had issues with since my miscarriages. I really felt that I was healing in this area and I really tried to become close to her again, but this feels like a set back for me. I just hope that she doesn't use the cop out way of telling me by just letting the news trickle down to me. I come from a family that knows everything about everybody and I like it that way, but my dh comes from a family that really doesn't tell anyone anything, which aggrevates me to no end! I have to admit that the day I found out she is expecting, I was sad, depressed, and cried several times. I'm thinking maybe I might be hormonal. I never know for sure since I don't have a period anymore, but it's a good excuse. Everyone who doesn't read this blog (my family), seems to think I'm great when it comes to babies. I wish they understood it's not that simple.
I have thought about my feelings a lot since finding out and I think, "Am I really any better 2 1/2 years later?" I think I am, but then I feel really bad again. I don't know if how I feel is normal or not. I don't know anyone in my situation--lost 2 babies and can't have more. It's frustrating.
The only big decision I regret in my life is not trying to have a baby again. I think I'll rue that until the day I die.
Probably hormonal and always missing my babies,
Paula

Is there a cure for the Baby Bug?

I want to start todays entry with a BIG congratulations to my good friend who gave birth to her fifth child and first boy this morning! Congratulations, L!
I have to admit that all week, I've been nervous about hearing her news. I have been very excited and anxious to hear, but I am still in uncharted territory as far as being ecstatically happy for new moms. I can say honestly and very proudly that I am ecstatically happy for her! This is a first for me since losing my babies and my ability to have them.
That brings me to my title: Is there a cure for the Baby Bug? Earlier this week, I cried for the first time in a long time over not being able to have another baby. I thought for a brief minute about looking into adoption again, but we are not financially able to do that right now. I don't know if the excitement over L's baby made me want another one so badly or if my symptoms of the Baby Bug are just rearing their ugly heads again. Some of the symptoms include: aching to hold a baby, missing the poopy diapers and sleepless nights (you know you want one if you think about that stuff), remembering all of the cute, sweet things your babies did, and the general feeling that something is missing from your life. I have decided in my uncertainty this week that it's not so much that I miss my miscarried babies, but I miss terribly having a little one and all of the excitement and joy they bring. I do miss my babies, don't get me wrong, but I think missing being a mom to a little baby is what brings me the most heartache now. It's kind of like going on a vacation to a wonderful place and never being able to go back. A friend and I talked a little bit about the "Bug" and it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I hope her longing is fulfilled the way the Lord wants it to be...
There are a few things that I have yet to do since losing my babies: visit a new mom in the hospital, hold a newborn, watch "Birth Day" on Discovery Health (these types of shows were my favorite when I was anxiously awaiting the births several of my babies), or look at my prenatal books that I never had the courage to get rid of. I did look in my baby names book this week because I was cleaning off bookshelves. I looked at it incessantly when I was pregnant trying to find the right name for each of my babies. It really didn't make me sad, but I guess I had a little pang. I have a lot of those, which is better than a huge heartache. I may be facing 2 of those "firsts" tomorrow. I think I will be fine and in my healing process, I've found that every little victory (holding a baby for the first time after losing one, buying baby things for someone else, being genuinely happy for a new mom or a pregnant woman) are treatments for the Baby Bug. I don't think there is a cure. It's something you just live with.....
Hopelessly incurable, but learning to live with it,
Paula

A Note to the Newly Grief-stricken and their Loved Ones

After learning of a woman who lost twins last week at 20 weeks, I decided that I should put a little note in my blog to those who have found this and have recently lost a baby.
I have written this blog from the perspective of one who has had 1 1/2 to 2 years of healing. Some of the emotions are very raw still, but for the most part, I am OK. For my story and most of the story of my healing since losing my babies, please look at the earliest entries of my blog.
To those wanting to help someone who has lost a baby, my advice would be to:
*remember--the baby's due date, date when he/she was lost, and just the fact that the Mom is healing and will be for a long time.
*send a card--even if there is nothing else to be done, the Mom can keep these as a memory of her baby. I still have the cards from when I lost Christian 14 years ago.
*take food--it's hard to think of anything when you are grieving, so this is something that is always appreciated.
*take time to read up on what your loved one is going through. Even if you've never been there, it is possible to be sensitive to their needs.
*Don't--expect a timeline for your loved one to be better. Everyone heals in their own time. Also, let them grieve in their own way. Some of us go a little wild when we're grieving, including me. I ran from God fast and hard, but eventually, I did come back and He welcomed me back. For a little more about this, read the chapter about grief in the book "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado. (It's a great book with only one chapter about grief, but that chapter hit the nail on the head when it came to my story.)
*Don't--send a birth announcement if you've had a baby, or expect the grieving Mom to want to see your baby. I've been on both sides of the coin on this one. It's hard to want to show your little one off and have another not want to see him/her, but it is even harder to see a baby and long to have your baby back.
For those going through this grief, I'm so sorry. I hope what I've gleaned from the past couple of years will help you.
God bless you,
Paula

The Pregnancy Dream

Since my hysterectomy 16 months ago, I have had a steady stream of pregnancy dreams. Maybe one every couple of months or so. But this week, I've had three. Sunday night, I dreamed I was pregnant, but my belly wasn't getting as big as it should have. At first, the doctor thought something was wrong with the baby, but then he decided everything was fine and I was scheduled for a c-section two days later. I woke up, not pregnant and no baby to look forward to in 2 days. I was depressed for half of the day because the dream was so real. Another time this week, I was pregnant and again they thought something was wrong with the baby because my belly wasn't big. I always got HUGE when I was pregnant, so I'm really not sure why I keep dreaming this. It's never going to happen. I don't know if my hormones are whacked out or what. I have also been having nightmares recently, which is not like me. These are the same kinds of things I always dreamed when I was pregnant. Very weird and depressing.
A good friend of mine is expecting at the end of August. I am looking forward to meeting her little one, but I'm a little nervous about how I'll react to hearing her initial news of the baby's birth. She reads this blog and I've told her before that I want to be brutally honest when I write, so I hope she understands why I'm even posting. It's just something that's been on my mind. You know I love you, L, and I love your baby, too!! I may be just fine when I hear, but the last time I heard of a friend of having a baby, I lost it (psycho February post). We'll see....
On a different note, my biopsy went well. I barely felt the needle used to give me anesthetic and only felt the biopsy needle a little more than that. I swear the anesthetic didn't work, because my boob never did get numb. I have a big bruise on it and it still hurts a little, but it really wasn't that bad. The radiologist who did it told me that if it wasn't an adenoma, it should be. He said it looked just like one. Then after he did the biopsy, which only took about 15 minutes, he told me that he was pretty sure it was benign. Sigh of relief!
There are other things I could write about, but I think I'll leave them alone for now.
Hope you're having a wicked awesome summer,
Paula

I can finally exhale....

After holding my breath for over a month, I finally have an answer to my breast lump. Or at least it's an ALMOST sure one. Benign fibroadenoma. BENIGN! My appointment had been postponed from July 3 to July 26, then the office rescheduled me again for yesterday.
I got the call on Monday morning that I had been pushed up to the 18th. My heart stopped and then my brain quit working. I had been doing a pretty good job of not thinking about it, even though it hurt quite a bit last week. I figured that I wouldn't start worrying until next Tuesday night maybe. After I got off of the phone, I literally couldn't think of anything else until it was over with. I felt like I was on this huge balance of life--if it tipped one way, my life could possibly soon be over and if it tipped the other, I would be fine. In between is a terrible place to be--not knowing how a 15 minute doctor's appointment could change your life. When I signed up to do the Avon walk, I didn't really have a reason. I know now why I walked. I walked for those who are on that balance--waiting for a diagnosis, for the treatments to work, to be told what the next step in their lives might hold for them... Anyway. The doctor gave me three options: 1) wait and see if it changes; 2) go ahead and do a biopsy to be sure it is benign; and 3) go ahead and surgically remove it. I'm not a wait and see kind of person and I think I've had enough surgery in the past couple of years, so those were out. I go in next Thursday for an ultrasound-guided biopsy. It doesn't sound like fun to me, but I'm so giddy about not hearing the "C" word that I'm really not worried about it.
I have thought about 50 different things to write about in the past 2 weeks, but haven't had time to put them into the computer. The subjects ranged from losing the matriarch of my husband's family (Grammy) to my oldest daughter's 13th birthday to the 2 year anniversary of having and losing my little Blessing. I'll cover that one.....
July 17, 2005, I found out that I was expecting for the 8th and final time. I didn't let myself get excited or really even think about the baby that much, for the 3 short weeks I knew I was pregnant. I don't think that numbness helped me in anyway after losing Blessing--I still grieved hard. That little baby deserved to be thought about and be excited over and it wasn't until after I lost her that I realized that. (I don't know why, but I think that baby was a girl. I think Christian and Mercy were boys. It's just a hunch.) I had been a long time since I cried over my baby, but on Tuesday night, I did. I'm bawling right now, too. I guess it doesn't really matter how much time passes--I still miss my babies.....
One of these days, I will write about how I've changed since losing my babies. Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore, be it good or bad, there's a little of both, but I'll get to that another time.
This week has been Vacation Bible School at our church, so I've been running around like crazy.
I'll write more soon,
Paula