Miracle

The Christmas season is at hand and we hear about the miracle of Christ's birth. I am thankful for that miracle and for every miracle that I hear of.
Yesterday, when I went to the Pregnancy Resource Center (PRC), another class teacher, Tina, was there helping sort out a large donation from The Knights of Columbus. I kept picking up on bits and pieces of the conversation making me wonder if Tina was pregnant. Before she left, she told me that she may be joining my class, which is the early pregnancy class. I asked her if she was expecting and she told me that she was. She then told me that when she went in for an ultrasound when she was 8 weeks pregnant, the ultrasound showed an empty sack and no baby. Her doctor told her she would have about 2 weeks to miscarry before they would intervene. Tina said that she went home and waited for the next 2 weeks to miscarry. Toward the end of the 2 weeks, she came into the PRC and asked one of the volunteers if she would do an ultrasound to see the empty sack again. Tina got on the ultrasound table and when the volunteer ran the u/s over her abdomen, she told Tina, "I have a fetal pole and a heartbeat." After thinking for 2 weeks that she was going to miscarry, Tina told me that she cried for 2 hours. She seemed to be having a hard time "attaching" herself to the baby, probably because she had already thought that it had died and she doesn't want to face that pain again if something does happen. I did this with my last pregnancy. Mercy (baby #2 who died) was sooooo real to me that I really felt like a huge part of me died when he/she did. When I became pregnant with Blessing, I never let myself "attach". Of course, when Blessing died, I grieved hard, too, so the exercise in "detachment" when I was pregnant was futile. Anyway, I wish Tina and her baby well. I will be praying for them.
When she was telling me this, I did have a lump in my throat. I haven't felt sad hearing someone's pregnancy announcement for a long time and I guess the reason I was yesterday is because I was wondering where my miracle was 3 1/2 and almost 4 years ago. It just hurt because when we saw empty sacks on my ultrasounds, they were truly empty. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for Tina and I really hope things go good. It's just proof that even though I think I'm OK, things can still sneak up on me and bring me down. It's a continual process.
Wishing you all Christmas miracles,
Paula

The Nagging, Never-ending Desire to Have Another Baby

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. Most of the time, I'm fine or I just can't think of anything to write.
Since March, I have gone through the anniversary of losing Mercy (April 15) and the anniversary of losing Blessing (August 10). (It's been 3 years. Wow. Where has the time gone?) I have learned of new pregnancies and I have heard of new babies of being born. All of that is well and good and it really doesn't bother me. What does bother me is this nagging dream I have about 2 or 3 times a month. In it, I'm always pregnant and so very happy about it. This is impossible, as I don't have the equipment for pregnancy anymore (I had a hysterectomy 2 1/2 years ago). Everytime I wake up from the dream, I feel the loss of my fertility all over again and I'm sad and depressed again. I'm sure that I dream this so often because I never had closure when my last child was born. I was sure that there would be another, and there were 2 more. They just didn't live.
I knew when I made the decision not to have more children (my husband left the decision up to me, but made it very clear that he didn't want to try again), I knew it would always be a regret that I'd have, but I didn't know that it would haunt me like it does sometimes.
I have also been remembering all of those little things that are so taken for granted when you're going through them--changing a baby's clothes, picking them up and watching their little legs pull up with them because that's how they've been for 9 months, stroking their heads when they would be nursing and just looking at them because they're so beautiful, burping them, everything......
Like I said, most of the time, I am fine, but these dreams are really getting annoying and depressing.
Until I feel like writing again,
Paula

Thought for the Day

I am at my in-laws' house and on a little flip calender for the day was the saying "God never closes one door without opening another."
Today marks the sixth anniversary of the triplets' birth and death (see the triplets' story in my earlier blog entries). I have so many sad memories of that day and I always feel sorry for my brother and sister-in-law during this time of remembering.
The thought for today really caught my attention. That is so true. God closed the door for my brother and his wife to be parents to triplets, but He opened the door almost two years later for them to adopt McKenzie. I am babysitting for her today, especially grateful for God's wisdom in the matter. I know that little Ethan, Rebecca, and Brianna are in Heaven with my precious little ones and that I'll see them again, and for that I am also grateful.
Paula

Evasive Itches

This morning, I was awaken at 3:30 a.m. to my daughter B crying in my room. Her knee was hurting and she couldn't find our hot water bottle. I looked as well as I could at 3:30 in the morning and, not finding it, we put together a hot washcloth in a plastic bag. It must have done the trick, because she went right to sleep after that.
When I laid back down again, I had one of those evasive itches--the kind where you can't quite figure out where it itches, so you scratch until you find a spot that doesn't even itch and it relieves the itch altogether. I never could figure those things out! It took me awhile to find that non-itchy spot that relieved the itch, so I lay there thinking. For the past several weeks, I've been waking up depressed almost every morning, but I can't really figure out why. I've named it evasive depression. I don't know if it is because it has been a really long, miserable winter? Or if it's because three years ago, I was pregnant? Or if because four years ago, I was hugely pregnant with my son (he will be 4 tomorrow)? Maybe it's a combination of all three. I don't know. I think since in the past year, we have left diapers, a crib, and a binky behind with Sean, his birthday may be affecting me in a bad way this year. I almost cried last night thinking about his birth, which I haven't done for a long time. On Sunday, it was 78 degrees here and I certainly got spring fever, so today's snow and 30 degree weather is probably wearing on me, too.
At any rate, spring is just around the corner, even though I can't see it yet, my boy's birthday will pass and I will think of it fondly, if a little sadly, and I can remember being pregnant with Mercy and know that I will see that baby again someday.
Paula

This Week's Miracle and A Reason I Miscarried

Last Saturday, I got a call from my niece who miscarried in December. It seemed she was miscarrying again and she was devastated. I finished the grocery shopping that I was in the middle of, took my husband and kids home, and went back into town to Panera Bread to talk to her. She and her husband were sitting in a corner huddled together. I stayed with them for about 2 hours and listened while she talked, while she questioned why her again, and while she wept, sometimes sobbing into her husband's shoulder. I felt so helpless as to what to do to help her. I know from experience that grief is something between you, your spouse, and God, but mostly something you go through yourself. At least I found it to be that way. She asked me why this was happening to her a second time. I told her that God chooses some people to go through the grief of miscarriage so that they can help others in the same situation (see 2 Corinthians 1). Not a fun calling in life, but a necessary one. I don't know why He chooses some, while others can be pregnant 9 times and never have one (I know a woman who never miscarried after 9 pregnancies), but I do know He has a reason, even if we don't see it. After leaving, I prayed, "God, if it's possible, let this be a false alarm." I don't know why I prayed that, but I did. I have been praying for her and hurting for her all week. Yesterday, she called me to tell me that she went to the doctor on Monday and she did NOT miscarry! The bleeding and cramping she was having was probably due to implantation. The doctor told her that when the placenta implants, sometimes blood vessels can rupture to cause the cramping and the bleeding. They did an ultrasound, didn't see a baby, but wouldn't likely see one because it is still so small. They also did blood work, which all turned out normal. Praise God! I was amazed. Now, I worry that she may actually miscarry and have to endure that pain again. I hope and pray not.
All week, I have contemplated reasons why I miscarried and went on NOT to have any more children. I think the main reason is because if I had had another baby, I really don't think the sensitivity would be there. The pain wouldn't have lasted so long and wouldn't have been branded on my heart like it is. I have searched for a reason for almost 3 years and I think that's it.
Three years ago, I was enjoying the 4th day of knowing I had another life living inside me. I think I've blogged about the whole thing already, but my baby's life anniversary is worth noting.
On a different subject--we had a baby shower for my preemie great (grand?) niece today. She wasn't there, but her Mom was. She looks great and Eden is doing great. I'm so thankful. She got her oxygen taken out yesterday and is breathing well on her own. She is also up to 4 lbs. 3 oz. She had plateaued (spelling?) in her weight for about 2 weeks, but she's starting to gain again. Yay!
Our baby weasel (ferret) is doing fine, too. She is kind of ornery, though. She likes to bite and growl if she doesn't like what you're doing. We scruff her and thump her nose when she does it, but the learning is slow. When she's sleeping, she is so sweet. She curls herself up like a cinnamon roll and I can hold her in the palm of my hand.
Talk to you later.
Thankful for every miracle,
Paula

A Blessed New Arrival and Other Events of the Past Month

For the past month, I have had about 427 things to blog about, but I'm never at a computer long enough to write. I'm just too busy!
Eden Noelle (not Ann as I previously posted) is doing very well. She is now up to 3 lbs. 14 oz. and she is breathing on her own. She still has supplemental oxygen and a feeding tube, but those are things that will be removed in time. We are all so thankful that she's doing good. My mother-in-law told me that there are pictures of babies born at 18 weeks that have survived, which makes me wonder if the triplets would have lived if they had been born up there. Only God knows and we would not have McKenzie if they had survived. I read once that there are no "ifs" in God's kingdom...
My Grandpa died almost 3 weeks ago. He was old and had been in poor health for years, but it's always hard to say goodbye to someone you love, even if you know they're in a better place. Over the weekend, it was very cold and I had forgotten my coat at home. I had taken my Grandpa's jacket the previous weekend when we were going through his things, so I put it on. It brought tears to my eyes because it smelled just like him. He was the Old Spice king, ever since I was little. So all evening, I'd hold the sleeve up to my nose, then I'd tear up. It's funny how things like smells can evoke so many emotions. I know it's always hard for me to wash my hands when visiting someone in the hospital. The hospital soap smell reminds me of all the happy times I washed them to hold my new babies.
The blessed new arrival at my house is a new baby ferret. My daughter B's birthday was Sunday and she wanted a ferret, so we went to Springfield yesterday and bought one. We have one already, who is affectionately known as "the stinky weasel". I've dubbed this one "the ADHD weasel" because she is sooooo hyper! I never imagined that I'd like ferrets at my house, but I have to admit they are a blast and they have so much personality!
My early pregnancy class is going well and I have only had one time when it was hard for me. We learned about prenatal development last week. While we were watching a video, they showed an ultrasound. That part didn't bother me, but hearing the heartbeat made a lump rise in my throat. I swallowed it down, then I was fine. I also had an old lady moment. We were talking at the end of class and one of the birth dads said something to the effect of how his Mom was 33 years old. I could have had a heart attack! It shocked me to think that I'm old enough to be a Grandma!
Well, I covered a few of the many subjects I wanted to. I'm sure I can't remember any more of them. I am an old lady, you know........
Forgetfully and anciently yours,
Paula

Eden Ann

This is a post I didn't think I'd have to make for 3 more months, but due to some very serious complications, my niece (not the one who had the shower, but the one who had been having problems since the beginning of her pregnancy) delivered a very tiny baby girl on Sunday. Her name is Eden Ann. She was born at 28 weeks gestation (3 months early), weighed in at 2 lb. 7 oz., and is 13 inches long. She is currently on a ventilator to help her breathe, though it has been cut back to 50%, which is a good thing. Before she was born, the doctors only gave her a 50/50 chance of survival. I don't know if the odds for her are better now that she is here and looks healthy enough for a baby that small, but I do know that it has been a very tense 3 days. My niece had to have her uterus removed because the placenta had grown through it and into her bladder. I know she wanted at least one more child, so this isn't going to be an easy road for her anyway. I just hope little Eden is OK. Please shoot up a prayer for her.
Thank you,
Paula

The Shower

This is just a little update to my angry post from yesterday.
The shower went very well. My niece who lost the baby was not there, and as it turns out, she really wasn't expected to be there. I had a long talk with my sister-in-law, who told me how grateful she is that I am helping Janessa through this, and I feel like a lot of old hurts have healed through our conversation. I have been healing from my bitterness issue with her for quite sometime, but I really feel whole now.
I am very tired. Emotionally charged days seem to do that, you know, but I do feel pretty happy.
Until I need to write again,
Paula

A Little Something to Tick Me Off

Happy New Year! 2008 started with a wicked awesome good time at a friend's house and thus far, I am looking forward to the new year.
Today is my daughter Emily's 11th birthday. All yesterday was spent remembering being in labor all day and everytime I woke up in the night, I remembered the 3 1/2 hours of pushing it took to get her out! She was my 1st vaginal birth and she weighed in at 9 lbs. 3 oz. My friend who recently killed herself was such an incredible help to me during the hours of agony. Emily's birth was my only unmedicated one and it was MISERABLE!! I discovered the wonder of an epidural with my other kids and I was much less traumatized after their births.
I wanted to title this post "A Little Something to Piss Me Off", but I decided that it was too strong a title. This is the incident that did it:
I wrote in my last entry about my niece who just miscarried. Tomorrow, our family is having a baby shower for her sister, who is due in April, but lives in Colorado and won't be home again until after the baby comes. I asked Janessa (the one who lost the baby) if she was coming tomorrow. She told me that she was and I told her that I wouldn't have been able to do it after I lost my babies. I then told her that I'd talk to my mother-in-law and tell her my feelings on the situation. I don't think she should feel like she has to be there! I told my mother-in-law about it and she said, "I understand that, but I also understand that this is her sister and she needs to support her." I dropped the subject after that because it made me so mad. Spoken as one who has never been there! This girl's mother also lost babies to miscarriage and I can't understand why she isn't being more sympathetic to her daughter. Everyone is so wrapped up in the 1st grandbaby for that family that the pain of one daughter is being ignored. Gggrrrrr!!! Why is it that grieving moms-to-be have to march to the drummer that everyone else marches to? If the baby had been born and died, she would be treated with more compassion. I know that there is a big difference between losing a baby at 5 weeks and losing one after birth, but this is the greatest pain she has ever known and she needs to be treated as one who is enduring a devastating loss.
I'm finished venting. It just really aggrevated me!!!
Paula

Another Passenger on the Grief Train

This week has, for the most part, sucked. There have been glimmers of fun and happiness, but a lot of bad crap has happened this week. My Mother-in-law was in the hospital for a few days with pneumonia and while she was there, she found out that her gall bladder will have to be taken out soon, my friend died (I'll write more about this at the end of the blog entry), a guy that my husband works with had a baby (well, his wife did) 2 weeks ago and on Friday, the baby had a seizure. The doctors don't know why. The other bad thing that happened is that one of my nieces lost a baby. It wasn't one of the ones I have mentioned (I have 2 others pregnant). This one found out last Sunday that she was expecting and she miscarried on Monday. I saw her yesterday at our family Christmas celebration and she is beside herself. I felt so sorry for her. I talked with her for quite awhile and gave her the "Permission to Grieve" pamphlet from Focus on the Family. I also gave her my phone numbers and told her to call whenever she wants to talk. She's only 19 and lost her sister-in-law (Amy Wilhoite) to cancer 3 months ago. While I was talking to her, it occured to me that things I once dreaded so much, I almost embrace now. Little challenges like holding a baby or becoming the teacher of the 2nd and 3rd trimester class that I mentioned in my last entry. I think because I know I'm never going to have a baby again, I look forward to conquering those challenges, so I can get on with life. I wish there was some way I could help her right now, and I told her as much, but it is truly a pain you have to trudge through yourself. I say trudge because sometimes the grief is so deep that it's hard to breathe and your whole body feels like lead. A grieving Mom once wrote on another website that she felt like she was on a train she didn't want to be on going to a place she didn't want to go. None of us chooses the Grief Train, but I am finding that time and opening my heart and mind to healing, I am starting to at least appreciate the scenery......
In Sunday school this morning, I mentioned the family of my friend who died. One of our Sunday school members heard through the grapevine that she killed herself. This leaves me with more regrets than I had even 3 days ago. I wonder, "If I had called and we had gotten together, would things have been different for her?" I don't know. I can't understand what kind of pain or sadness would cause a person to kill themselves a week before Christmas. She has a daughter and a granddaughter. I just don't understand any of this. She certainly didn't seem like the type who could do that. I do know that she was a Christian and I believe that she is in Heaven now. I know I could open a whole can of theological worms about a Christian and suicide, but I believe once forgiven, always forgiven, even if your final sin is suicide....... Sorry to throw this in here. It just makes me so sad that such a huge part of a period of my life is gone..... and possibly at her own hand.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas in the midst of chaos,
Paula

S-T-R-E-T-C-H! Am I ready for this?

I have about dozen topics I'd like to blog about, but the one that is most pertinent is my new volunteer position teaching parenting classes at a local pregnancy center. For years, I volunteered at our local Birthright running pregnancy tests and offering counseling. I quit when I was pregnant with my son. After becoming familiar with the Pregnancy Resource Center through a recent walk-a-thon, I decided I would like to be more involved in helping out there. I was asked if I would be interested in teaching parenting classes, so I jumped on the opportunity. I thought, "I have 5 kids, so maybe I'd be good at that." My thought was that I'd be teaching the moms after they gave birth. I was wrong. I attended a meeting this morning and I am now the 2nd and 3rd trimester teacher. I feel like this is a stretch for me and I wonder if I'm ready for it. I think I'll do fine, but there will always be the breaking through things I have yet to face post-miscarriage--pregnancy videos, listening to the moms talk about their babies and their feelings. I do feel like this is where I'm suppose to be, though. I think it's another facet of healing for me. One of the classes that we offer is miscarriage support. I told them I would be interested in teaching that since I have knowledge and empathy for those who have suffered that kind of loss.
Christmas is almost here and I'm almost ready! I am finishing my shopping today. Then, I only have a few cards to make, some baking to do, and packages to wrap.
A few minutes later...I just looked in the paper and saw that my birth attendant with 2 of my kids died. She was only 49. I worked with her at Birthright and she was such a help when I was in labor with my 2nd and 3rd children. Needless to say, I'm very sad right now and reading about her death made me cry. I hadn't seen her in years, though when we'd see each other, we'd always say, " We need to get together." We never did...
The last thing I'd like to write about is my niece McKenzie. Her birthday is December 23 and every year, I think back to her birth day with very fond memories....
It was Tuesday, December 23, 2003. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with Sean and as I waddled into my laundry room with a basket of clothes, I had a thought. "The adoption agency said M and BJ would probably have a baby by Christmas. Yeah, right." It was a fleeting thought. After 4 months of active waiting and 2 false "the birth mom might pick M and BJ" alarms, we had all settled into a rut of waiting for "THE CALL". M and BJ began to pursue the avenue of adoption about a year after losing the triplets. At first, they looked into international adoption, but as new teachers, they weren't able to do that financially. So, they decided on domestic adoption. More specifically, the adoption of a bi-racial or black baby. At first, we all had our doubts about them adopting a baby of a different race. We aren't racists by any means, but we all wondered how a black or bi-racial baby would fit into our family....
At 5:15 p.m., I was putting on make-up, after my husband offered to take us out to dinner. I was exhausted, so I gladly took him up on it! The phone rang. I answered. My brother said to me, "Are you sitting down?" Immediately, my eyes teared up and told him yes. He said, "We got a call from the adoption agency. A baby was born this morning to a mom in Sikeston. She's a little black girl and we go on Friday to pick her up." We were expecting them to have to fly someplace to pick up their baby, but Sikeston?! That was so close!! I knew it had to be of God. Well, when I hung up the phone, I was floating!!!!! We went out to eat and trudged through the next 3 days hoping and praying that the birth mom wouldn't change her mind. On Christmas eve, my devotional passage was Galatians 4:4-5, which talks about us being adopted into God's family. I took it as a sign that things would work out and we would get her. Friday morning, I got another call from my sister-in-law telling me that they were now the proud parents of "the most beautiful baby girl". We anxiously waited at my parents' house for them to come home. Wow! What an incredible feeling it was to see M and BJ with a baby of their own after such a long, heartbreaking wait! It never has mattered to us that she's black. She's just Kenzie and we are so thankful to have her!!! Happy 4th birthday, Kenzie Wenzie!
Merry Christmas!
Paula

Pre-Christmas Odds and Ends

The Christmas season is upon us and for the first time in years, I am in the Christmas spirit! This week, I decorated my house and put up the tree. The kids and I spent Monday afternoon listening to Christmas music via my DirecTV XM satellite radio and filling the living room with boxes stuffed with decorations. At one point, I could hardly walk through the room, but we got it all cleaned up and I don't have to think about it again until January. House keeping is not my forte, so I'm glad it's done! I have even listened to a local Christian music station that is playing Christmas songs 24/7 until Christmas. This is not like me, as my music usually involves lots of electric guitar, heavy backbeat, and screaming.
In the next few days, I will be hearing of 2 baby announcements. One is the wife of a guy my husband works with. The other is the teenage mom from my church. I really do well in hearing baby news anymore, but I always feel my chest tighten a little. I don't know how long this will last or if it will ever go away. I can't associate it with sadness, nor can I put my finger on what emotion it is. It simply is there.
My niece had an ultrasound this week. She's due in April. The baby looks good, but she has placenta previa (a condition where the placenta is covering the cervix) and the placenta doesn't look healthy. We are all worried about that and I hope and pray everything goes well with her.
Today marks the 9th anniversary of the death of my nephew, Little Ricky. He was the 9th child born to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and the 2nd child of theirs to be born with Down Syndrome. He also had a serious heart defect. He died following heart surgery. I remember mentioning him in my Bible study group that morning and hearing later in the day that the surgery was successful. I was so thankful. His parents had been through so much. Later in the evening, my mother-in-law called me to tell me that Ricky's blood pressure had fallen and that they were having trouble stablizing it. They weren't sure he would make it. I prayed all night and the next morning called her back to see if she'd heard any news. She told me that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law were heading home. Ricky had died at about 7:30 December 1. His Mom was one of my best friends at the time. Things were never the same after he died and we haven't been as close since then. I did send a card this year. My anger and bitterness over her not sending a card when I lost my babies is gone. In recent months, I've gotten to know her again in a different capacity. Not really the friend I used to have, but something akin to friendship.
I'm getting ready to go to our local Christmas parade. I haven't been to one in 3 years, so I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Until I think of something else to write about...
Paula

Thankfulness

Yesterday we celebrated Thanksgiving and I also celebrated my 36th birthday. It was my in-laws' year, so we spent the day over at their house visiting and, of course, eating. It was a good day.
Since last Thanksgiving I have come to a point of being genuinely thankful for my current lot in life. I have it good. I'm healthy, I have a husband who loves me just the way I am, I have 5 healthy kids, and I am in good spirits. Life is a good thing for me right now, so it is easy to be thankful. I think back to 2 years ago and even last year. When I was at a sad, depressed point in my life and I needed to be constantly reminded of what I DO have, not what I don't, the following helped me.

Here's a small excerpt from the book "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado:
"Whatever the blessing is in our cup, it is sure to run over. With Him the calf is always the fatted calf; the robe is always the best robe; the joy is unspeakable; the peace passeth understanding.... There is no grudging in God's benevolence; He does not measure out His goodness as an apothecary counts his drops and measures his drams, slowly and exactly, drop by drop. God's way is always characterized by multitudinous and overflowing bounty." Quote by F. B. Meyer

Another excerpt from "Keep A Quiet Heart" by Elisabeth Elliot
"Blessings taken for granted are often forgotten. Yet our Heavenly Father 'daily loadeth us with benefits' (Psalm 68:19). Think of some of the common things which are nevertheless wonderful:
--the intricate, delicate mechanism of the lungs steadily and silently taking in fresh air 18 to 20 times a minute;
--the untiring heart, pumping great quantities of clean blood through the labyrinth of blood vessels;
--the constant body temperature, normally varying less than one degree;
--the atmospheric temperature, varying widely it is true, but never so much as to destroy human and animal life;
--the orderly succession of day and night, spring, summer, autumn, and winter, so that, with few exceptions, man can make his plans accordingly;
--the great variety of foods, from the farm, the field, the forest, and the sea, to suit our differing desires and physical needs;
--the beauties of each day--the morning star and growing light of sunrise, the white clouds of afternoon, the soft tints of a peaceful sunset, and the glory of the starry heavens;
--the symphony of early morning bird songs, ranging from the unmusical trill of the chirping sparrow to the lilting ecstasy of the goldfinch and the calm, rich, bell-like tones of the wood and hermit thrushes;
--the refreshment that sleep brings;
--the simple joys of home--the children's laughter and whimsical remarks, happy times around the table, the love and understanding of husband and wife, and the harmony of voices raised together in praise to God.
All these and many others come from the bountiful hand of Him 'who redeemeth my life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's' (Psalm 103: 4, 5)
'It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness.' (Lamentations 3:22, 23)
'It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord, and to sing praises unto Thy name, O most High' (Psalm 92:1)"

That is a good starting place for being thankful. Be thankful for the babies you have been pregnant with and the many lessons they have taught you: lessons in compassion toward others who face similar situations, in sensitivity, in knowing how precious unborn life is, and in looking forward to heaven.
Until next time,
Paula

Out of Fashion Sync

When my husband is on shift on Saturdays, I will often spend the night with my parents because I'm over at their house anyway and my church is only a couple of miles from where they live. I came over yesterday and discovered that I forgot to pack a shirt to wear today. Not wanting to go to church in only my bra, I thought this would give me an excuse to buy myself something new to wear. I like having new things, but I HATE to shop. I don't like the styles, I don't like how things look on me, and I just suck at it. After spending over an hour trying on different things, I decided on a pair of jeans and a black flowing long-sleeved shirt. I am wearing it as I type and have been extremely self conscious about it all day. Because of the long, flowing nature, I wonder if tongues at church are wagging and saying, "I thought Paula had a hysterectomy, but she sure looks pregnant!" I know this is the style, but for a woman who has been pregnant 8 times, it's not a good look for me. I do have a figure--not a great one yet, but a figure nonetheless. I don't like the muuumuu look or the thought that someone might mistake me for being pregnant.
When I graduated from high school in 1990, the style was big shirts and ripped jeans. At the time, I weighed 95 lbs. and had a pretty nice figure. After I had several kids, the style was form fitting shirts and skinny jeans. I wish that had been the style when I had the body for it. The high waist, flowing shirts would have been nice when I was pregnant early on and didn't have anything to wear. My body has always been out of fashion sync. I know this subject is off the miscarriage theme, but the whole idea of someone thinking I'm pregnant now when I'm not bothers me, so I guess it remotely relates.
Never the Fashion Queen,
Paula

Blue Denim

This morning before leaving my house, I happened upon a 1959 movie called "Blue Denim". It is a movie about a pregnant 15 year old girl and her 16 year old boyfriend seeking an abortion without either's parental consent. Being the avid pro-lifer that I am, I decided to watch and learn how Hollywood handled the subject of unwanted pregnancy 48 years ago. After Janet and Alfred "go all the way", she finds out she's pregnant. They wonder what they should do, then Alfred decides to talk to a friend of his who had secured the services of an abortionist. I was getting ready and watching at the same time so I didn't really understand this, but this friend is the one who kept telling him it was murder (they used that word) and that Janet would be hurt by the experience. Granted 48 years ago, it was illegal in most states (it WAS legal in certain states before Roe v. Wade) and many "doctors" who performed the abortions were just amateurs in the gynecological field. A pharmacist I worked for years ago knew a dentist who was an abortionist on the side before it was legalized in all 50 states. Sorry to jump around... back to the movie. In the end, Alfred told his parents at the last minute when Janet had already left for the abortion. They found her before she had gone through with it. Alfred stepped up and took responsibility for Janet and the baby and they rode off on a train together. It was time for me to leave by then, so I didn't see the last few minutes of the movie. I was intrigued by the difference in Hollywood's handling of the subject then and now. Then, the characters stopped and thought about how to handle the pregnancy and even agonized over the decision after it was made to have the abortion. Then, decided to make things right before it was too late. The father of the baby also took responsibility for his part in the pregnancy. I can think of a couple of examples of movies made in the last 20 years or so where abortion was the only option, there were no regrets after the abortion, and the baby's father slid off like a snake without any regard for the baby or the mother. It's sad to see the vast contrast between then and now.
On a different, but similar, subject is the story of the Maine middle school that is now authorized to give birth control pills to middle schoolers. That makes me sick. There are so many examples I could make about individuals who are going to do something anyway, so why don't we make it safer for them. Wrong behavior shouldn't be helped along at all and especially wrong behavior that involves kids. One more thing to think about. Think back to when you were 11, 12, or 13. Would you have even remembered to take the pill every day???? I know I wouldn't have. I think that they will just be looking at the same number or more pregnancies by the time these girls use the birth control as an excuse to have sex and then forget to take it. And if it can happen in that school, who's to say it won't happen in all schools???
I'm through ranting. It's just been on my mind.
Paula

Falling Inside the Black

"Falling in the black, slipping through the cracks, falling to the depths. Can I ever go back? Dreaming of the way it used to be. Can you hear me?" --Skillet
In the past month and a half, I have heard of at least 6 pregnancy announcements. I'm thinking that I've heard of more, but I can only recall 6 of them. I am usually OK with the announcements, though I can't say that any of them come with extreme excitement on my part. I just kind of accept them. Two of the announcements are from ladies who had babies around the time Mercy would have been born. This bothers me in particular because I was always the one making an announcement when my baby was 2. Also, their births were especially hard for me back then because I was grieving the loss of my 2 babies.
I was listening to the Skillet song on my daughter's ipod on Friday and the words struck me because I could relate to them so well. It's an awesome song anyway...
Rock on,
Paula

Found

Last Friday, I woke up to an awful stench in my kitchen. We had recently put out mouse poison, so I knew that a mouse most likely "given up the ghost" somewhere in one of the cabinets. After doing the never pleasant sniff test, I figured out which cabinet it was--my card/junk cabinet. I didn't have any time to go through and find the thing, as I was busy from the time I got up until the time I got home at 8:30 p.m., so I left it for Saturday.
Saturday morning, the smell was even more nauseating, so I set to work on finding it early. I took out a couple of boxes and there it was. My oldest daughter, who runs her own "Mouse Disposal Service: $1 per mouse" business, wasn't home, so I paid my second daughter to dispose of it. (Why do it myself if my kids will do it for money?!) Upon picking up the mouse with a plastic bag over her hand, we discovered that it had a baby mouse laying beside it! Great! How many more of the nasty things had died under there?? It turns out that the baby was the only one and it wasn't dead yet. I knew it couldn't survive, but if I thought it had a fighting chance, I would have tried to save it. I'm just that way--I can't stand to see a little thing die!!! I also couldn't bear to kill it, so I waited for my husband to come home and do the job. While we were waiting, my kids sat around looking at it and feeling sorry for it, too. I'm surprised they didn't cry when my dh killed it.
Later that day, I started looking through the boxes of cards I had taken out of the cabinet and in one of them I found my ultrasound picture of Mercy. It was in a card from an acquaintance who'd had 5 miscarriages of her own. My husband and daughter were in the kitchen with me, so I nonchalantly walked out, card in hand, to go to the bathroom and cry. When I was better, I put the card and the u/s photo in my Bible. I haven't looked at it again, but it's there when I want to.
That night, we built a fire in our yard, roasted marshmallows, and made S'Mores. For the first time in a long time, I thought about how things would have been if Mercy wouldn't have died. I would have been freaked out when my little almost 2 year old got near the fire or when he/she got out of the firelight range into the darkness. I didn't cry, but I was quiet and pensive all day and night.
I'm glad I found the picture and am glad that I'll see Mercy again, full of life.
Paula

The Race Was Won

I was introduced to blogging when Amy, the 26 year old daughter of a friend, was diagnosed with leukemia in July 2006. Her family set up a blog for her as a source of information for her family and friends, as well as a place for posting prayer requests. Amy lost her battle with cancer yesterday, but won the prize of eternal life. I've been praying for her and my heart breaks for her family. Her Mom was especially helpful to me when my nephew died almost 9 years ago. Her Mom and I were both close to my sister-in-law and it hurts to know she has to endure the pain of losing a child, the kind of pain we didn't understand (and I still don't).
To read of Amy's struggle and her incredible testimony of the grace of God, visit: wilhoite.blogspot.com
Once again reminded of my gratefulness for eternal life,
Paula

Baby Barrage

I love babies and I've ALWAYS loved babies. When I was little (7, 8, 9 or so), I was the one asking my babysitter if I could change the babies' diapers for her. Many times she would let me, so by the time I had a babysitting job, I could change them pretty well--even cloth ones. Once, a Mom of one of the babies told my babysitter not to let me carry her baby around. I was crushed. I look back now and I certainly would have said the same. I was VERY particular about who held my babies.
This past week, I had the opportunity to hold 2 babies on separate occasions. The first, the newborn from my last post. The other, a 7 month old whose birth I wrote about in February. I truly enjoyed holding them. There's something so wonderful about holding a little someone. I felt the joy that I used to feel before I had kids--the happiness of holding someone else's baby and being able to give him back. It was a little different because now I can't look forward to having my own, but it was joy nonetheless. Every little victory is noteworthy.
Also, this week, I found out that another one of my nieces is expecting. One told me she was a few weeks ago, but she has been spotting. Her hcg levels are going up, but the spotting continues. She will have an ultrasound on the 13th to check on the baby. The one I found about this week is suppose to be a secret, but my mother-in-law told me anyway. I'm anxious and nervous to see how my sister-in-law will tell me. This is the same sister-in-law I've had issues with since my miscarriages. I really felt that I was healing in this area and I really tried to become close to her again, but this feels like a set back for me. I just hope that she doesn't use the cop out way of telling me by just letting the news trickle down to me. I come from a family that knows everything about everybody and I like it that way, but my dh comes from a family that really doesn't tell anyone anything, which aggrevates me to no end! I have to admit that the day I found out she is expecting, I was sad, depressed, and cried several times. I'm thinking maybe I might be hormonal. I never know for sure since I don't have a period anymore, but it's a good excuse. Everyone who doesn't read this blog (my family), seems to think I'm great when it comes to babies. I wish they understood it's not that simple.
I have thought about my feelings a lot since finding out and I think, "Am I really any better 2 1/2 years later?" I think I am, but then I feel really bad again. I don't know if how I feel is normal or not. I don't know anyone in my situation--lost 2 babies and can't have more. It's frustrating.
The only big decision I regret in my life is not trying to have a baby again. I think I'll rue that until the day I die.
Probably hormonal and always missing my babies,
Paula

Is there a cure for the Baby Bug?

I want to start todays entry with a BIG congratulations to my good friend who gave birth to her fifth child and first boy this morning! Congratulations, L!
I have to admit that all week, I've been nervous about hearing her news. I have been very excited and anxious to hear, but I am still in uncharted territory as far as being ecstatically happy for new moms. I can say honestly and very proudly that I am ecstatically happy for her! This is a first for me since losing my babies and my ability to have them.
That brings me to my title: Is there a cure for the Baby Bug? Earlier this week, I cried for the first time in a long time over not being able to have another baby. I thought for a brief minute about looking into adoption again, but we are not financially able to do that right now. I don't know if the excitement over L's baby made me want another one so badly or if my symptoms of the Baby Bug are just rearing their ugly heads again. Some of the symptoms include: aching to hold a baby, missing the poopy diapers and sleepless nights (you know you want one if you think about that stuff), remembering all of the cute, sweet things your babies did, and the general feeling that something is missing from your life. I have decided in my uncertainty this week that it's not so much that I miss my miscarried babies, but I miss terribly having a little one and all of the excitement and joy they bring. I do miss my babies, don't get me wrong, but I think missing being a mom to a little baby is what brings me the most heartache now. It's kind of like going on a vacation to a wonderful place and never being able to go back. A friend and I talked a little bit about the "Bug" and it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I hope her longing is fulfilled the way the Lord wants it to be...
There are a few things that I have yet to do since losing my babies: visit a new mom in the hospital, hold a newborn, watch "Birth Day" on Discovery Health (these types of shows were my favorite when I was anxiously awaiting the births several of my babies), or look at my prenatal books that I never had the courage to get rid of. I did look in my baby names book this week because I was cleaning off bookshelves. I looked at it incessantly when I was pregnant trying to find the right name for each of my babies. It really didn't make me sad, but I guess I had a little pang. I have a lot of those, which is better than a huge heartache. I may be facing 2 of those "firsts" tomorrow. I think I will be fine and in my healing process, I've found that every little victory (holding a baby for the first time after losing one, buying baby things for someone else, being genuinely happy for a new mom or a pregnant woman) are treatments for the Baby Bug. I don't think there is a cure. It's something you just live with.....
Hopelessly incurable, but learning to live with it,
Paula