The title for this post sounds much more excited than I feel. Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Dresden, Ohio to spend a few days with my mom, my sister-in-law, and my sister-in-law's sister (what a mouthful!). We will be touring the Longaberger factory, shopping, and enjoying (?) a little R & R. I am really not looking forward to going. Dreading it is a better word for what I feel. I don't know why. I have never left my children for this long, so it might be that. I don't know my sis-in-law's sis that well. Maybe that's it. I'm not super into the basket thing, so that could be it as well. I'm leaving in 3 weeks for Denver, so I feel like I'm abandoning my family. I'm wondering if it should have been "that time", because I feel really grouchy.
Forgive my whining. Whoever reads this, please say a prayer for us and for my kiddos at home. I'm kind of a control freak with my kids in that I always want to know where they are and what they're doing. Maybe it's because I'm with them 24/7. I just know I'm going to miss them this weekend!
Later,
Paula
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Future of the blog, training, and road trip
I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been busy and haven't been inspired to write. My blog posting may become less and less. My purpose in starting it was to give an account of where I've been as I have "journeyed" through my miscarriages and I think I've done that. I feel like I've posted on almost everything applicable to my miscarriages. When my nephew died, my brother-in-law made a website in his memory. At first, he would post new information, like how they were doing at the first birthday, the first death anniversary, etc. When I looked on the site on his would-have-been 2nd birthday, the only post there was one about how there was nothing new in death. I feel a little the same way. My situation and my story will never change. I will probably post every couple of weeks just as a sort of diary, but I doubt that much of what I say will have to do with my miscarriages. I honestly feel like I am good (and happy) 99.99% of the time, even when it comes to babies. This blog has helped me to get here and has been sort of a friend to me, who I could vent to about anything and be as brutally honest as I wanted to be.
The past 2 weeks have been filled with walking, taking care of goats, walking, walking, listening to the ipod while I'm walking, and walking. If it sounds really boring, it's because it is! I've been trying to increase my distance and the times I walk to prepare for my Avon walk in Denver next month. I walked 18.6 miles last week and 12.5 so far this week, including a 6 mile walk on Wednesday. This all sounds well and good, except for the fact that I'm suppose to be walking 7 miles on a short walk day and 18 miles on a long walk day. I don't have the time for that, so I'm just walking consistantly and hoping come June 23 that I can suffer through 26.2 miles the first day and 13.1 the second! I am also required to raise $1800 for the walk. I'm only about half there. I hate asking people for money and I'm not good at it either. All of my clothes are fitting looser, but to date I've only lost 2 lbs. I find that to be very discouraging. I'd like to be able to tell people that I've lost sooooo much weight throughout my training. (sigh)
I did have an enjoyable Thursday when I went on a road trip with a couple of my friends. It was nice to get away and I didn't have to walk that day! I'm very thankful to have buddies (there's a difference between a friend and a buddy) to do things like that with and I wish I had been closer to them when I'd had my miscarriages. I really think it would have been easier.
Last night, our church went to a St. Louis Cardinals' game. We got rained on and they lost, but it was still fun. We didn't get home until about 1 a.m., so I crashed at my parents' house so I wouldn't have to drive an extra 40 minutes to get home. I'll probably take a nap when I'm finished writing this.
With that thought, I think I am going to sign off for now. I do hope that those who read this will still check up on me. I may still write if I have any new thoughts or feelings on the subject, but most of it will just be my life as it is now.
Talk to you later,
Paula
The past 2 weeks have been filled with walking, taking care of goats, walking, walking, listening to the ipod while I'm walking, and walking. If it sounds really boring, it's because it is! I've been trying to increase my distance and the times I walk to prepare for my Avon walk in Denver next month. I walked 18.6 miles last week and 12.5 so far this week, including a 6 mile walk on Wednesday. This all sounds well and good, except for the fact that I'm suppose to be walking 7 miles on a short walk day and 18 miles on a long walk day. I don't have the time for that, so I'm just walking consistantly and hoping come June 23 that I can suffer through 26.2 miles the first day and 13.1 the second! I am also required to raise $1800 for the walk. I'm only about half there. I hate asking people for money and I'm not good at it either. All of my clothes are fitting looser, but to date I've only lost 2 lbs. I find that to be very discouraging. I'd like to be able to tell people that I've lost sooooo much weight throughout my training. (sigh)
I did have an enjoyable Thursday when I went on a road trip with a couple of my friends. It was nice to get away and I didn't have to walk that day! I'm very thankful to have buddies (there's a difference between a friend and a buddy) to do things like that with and I wish I had been closer to them when I'd had my miscarriages. I really think it would have been easier.
Last night, our church went to a St. Louis Cardinals' game. We got rained on and they lost, but it was still fun. We didn't get home until about 1 a.m., so I crashed at my parents' house so I wouldn't have to drive an extra 40 minutes to get home. I'll probably take a nap when I'm finished writing this.
With that thought, I think I am going to sign off for now. I do hope that those who read this will still check up on me. I may still write if I have any new thoughts or feelings on the subject, but most of it will just be my life as it is now.
Talk to you later,
Paula
Friday, May 11, 2007
My First Mother's Day
This week has been SUCH a busy one. All week, we've been getting things ready for a garage sale. We have had friends and family donate items to it and all of our proceeds will be going to our Avon Breast Cancer Walk next month. There is so much stuff left after a day of selling that I'm not sure we'll get rid of it all! I've also been doing a lot of walking this week. I've logged about 11 miles so far. I'm not sure if I'll get anymore walking done this week with the garage sale tomorrow and then Mother's Day on Sunday, but we'll see. My sister-in-law, who is also doing the walk, has been logging about 20 miles each week. She's so going to kick my butt.
I always enjoy Mother's Day. It's a time when I can show my mom and my mother-in-law that I appreciate them and a time when my kids let me know they appreciate me. I remember my first Mother's Day as a mother. I didn't have a baby to show for my title, but I knew in my heart that I was a Mom. It was May 1993, four months after I lost Christian. Every year my church recognizes the moms by giving them a flower. That year, I sat in the pew, silently crying to myself, as each mom went forward to pick up a flower. One lady, who was pregnant with her 4th child and due the week Christian would have been, was recognized as the woman with the most children. I had no way of knowing this, but that honor would come to me in a few short years. The next year, I was pregnant with G and I was recognized with a picture of a little girl praying with her Mommy (that was the only year I remember that they didn't do flowers). I hung the picture over her crib when we set it up.
That first Mother's Day wouldn't be the saddest for me. Fast forward 9 years to May 2002. My brother and his wife had lost the triplets 2 months earlier. We all (my Mom, sister-in-law, brother, and I) wept as the mothers came to the front of the church to get their flowers. My brother got up, took 3 flowers from the bucket and handed them to BJ. I almost lost it. The next Mother's Day, it was the same. He gave her 3 flowers. I bought her a card for Mother's Day with Precious Moments on it--a baby on a cloud. Fitting, I thought. May 2004, during our prayer time in Sunday school, I said I was thankful for a truly happy Mother's day. M and BJ had adopted McK just before Christmas, so we were very happy. Mother's Day 2 years ago was sad for me, too, but I don't remember crying like I did that first one.
If you have lost a baby and have no other children, you ARE still a mother. You have put all of the emotions into your child that mothers whose children are still with them do, and even some emotions that many mothers never experience (grief, extreme worry, sadness, hopelessness). If your church recognizes mothers, don't be afraid to be recognized or let your husband recognize you by getting you a card or something. You deserve it!!!
Those are my thoughts for the week.
Have a blessed Mother's Day,
Paula
I always enjoy Mother's Day. It's a time when I can show my mom and my mother-in-law that I appreciate them and a time when my kids let me know they appreciate me. I remember my first Mother's Day as a mother. I didn't have a baby to show for my title, but I knew in my heart that I was a Mom. It was May 1993, four months after I lost Christian. Every year my church recognizes the moms by giving them a flower. That year, I sat in the pew, silently crying to myself, as each mom went forward to pick up a flower. One lady, who was pregnant with her 4th child and due the week Christian would have been, was recognized as the woman with the most children. I had no way of knowing this, but that honor would come to me in a few short years. The next year, I was pregnant with G and I was recognized with a picture of a little girl praying with her Mommy (that was the only year I remember that they didn't do flowers). I hung the picture over her crib when we set it up.
That first Mother's Day wouldn't be the saddest for me. Fast forward 9 years to May 2002. My brother and his wife had lost the triplets 2 months earlier. We all (my Mom, sister-in-law, brother, and I) wept as the mothers came to the front of the church to get their flowers. My brother got up, took 3 flowers from the bucket and handed them to BJ. I almost lost it. The next Mother's Day, it was the same. He gave her 3 flowers. I bought her a card for Mother's Day with Precious Moments on it--a baby on a cloud. Fitting, I thought. May 2004, during our prayer time in Sunday school, I said I was thankful for a truly happy Mother's day. M and BJ had adopted McK just before Christmas, so we were very happy. Mother's Day 2 years ago was sad for me, too, but I don't remember crying like I did that first one.
If you have lost a baby and have no other children, you ARE still a mother. You have put all of the emotions into your child that mothers whose children are still with them do, and even some emotions that many mothers never experience (grief, extreme worry, sadness, hopelessness). If your church recognizes mothers, don't be afraid to be recognized or let your husband recognize you by getting you a card or something. You deserve it!!!
Those are my thoughts for the week.
Have a blessed Mother's Day,
Paula
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Weep with those who weep--revisited
One of my first posts was about "weeping with those who weep" as in Romans 12. At the time, I still had some unresolved anger/bitterness at people and I'm afraid that post reflected it. I still struggle a little with that, but I'm getting better. This post is about an opportunity to weep with someone who is weeping.
Yesterday, in our homeschool group, I was holding Shannon's baby (from the weepy/psycho post in February). I enjoy holding him, as I always do after I "warm up" to a new baby. I used to warm up as soon as I laid eyes on a baby, but I'm not the same since the miscarriages. It takes awhile. While I was holding him, a lady who lost her newborn son in October walked up to me and asked to hold him. I handed him over and was thinking that she was stronger than I was after I miscarried. A moment later, she said, " I can't do this" and handed him back. I noticed she was crying. She walked out of the room and I gave E to a friend of mine so I could follow her out. My heart broke for her. I hugged her and said, "I couldn't hold a baby for several months after I lost my babies and my babies were very small. I don't know how you did it." She told me that she was able to hold her nieces, but it was something about holding a boy that bothered her. I left her alone and I think she was OK. I got teary eyed talking to her. I remembered the same group, same building a year ago when a lady handed her baby to me and said, "Would you like to hold him?" What was I going to say? I might cry or flip out if I do! No, I just took him and kept choking back the knot in my throat. That was the first baby I held post-Mercy and Blessing. It was also a kind of turning point for me. After that encounter, looking at babies was a little easier and holding them has become easier with each time I've done it.
Last night, when I was thinking it over, I was hoping that she didn't think I was trying to compare my pain to hers. While we both lost babies, what I've experienced is only a taste of the grief she knows. There ARE varied degrees of grieving. I felt them when it came to my own miscarriages. Not that I loved Mercy any more than I loved Blessing, but Mercy was so real to me. My belly started to pooch, I was sick, I had experienced 5 previous healthy pregnancies, so I really thought I'd experience another one. I grieved harder for Mercy than I did for Blessing, but I "knew" Mercy better. I hope she understood that I was only trying to help her. I think she did.
On to another topic. This time of year has always been bittersweet for me. I'm glad to be almost finished with school, but when activities wind down, it makes me feel a little down. My homeschool group is over for the year. It'll start again in August. My kids' PE class ends this Tuesday. I enjoy those 2 days each week because of the friends I see and I'll miss them over the summer (come on, cry with me, Angie). I'm not really crying, but I have been kind of down because of it. When summer comes, I'll wonder how on earth I managed to do school and all of the activities we have during the school year. It's always the same. Summer is never very long and then we'll be back to the old proverbial grindstone for another year. I was like this when I was in school, too. Kind of weird.
Oh, about the pregnant youth from our church. She told her family, who told her they hope she miscarries, not to talk about the baby at all because they don't want to get attached because she's giving it up for adoption (they hope). I was disgusted when I heard their response. First of all, if you don't believe in abortion, why on earth would you wish a baby's death upon this girl? Another thing, if she does give the baby up, these few months will be her only memories of her baby (unless she has an open/semi-open adoption) and talking will help her to remember. Oh, well. It's not my family, so I don't know why I even care!
That's all I have for now.
Later,
Paula
Yesterday, in our homeschool group, I was holding Shannon's baby (from the weepy/psycho post in February). I enjoy holding him, as I always do after I "warm up" to a new baby. I used to warm up as soon as I laid eyes on a baby, but I'm not the same since the miscarriages. It takes awhile. While I was holding him, a lady who lost her newborn son in October walked up to me and asked to hold him. I handed him over and was thinking that she was stronger than I was after I miscarried. A moment later, she said, " I can't do this" and handed him back. I noticed she was crying. She walked out of the room and I gave E to a friend of mine so I could follow her out. My heart broke for her. I hugged her and said, "I couldn't hold a baby for several months after I lost my babies and my babies were very small. I don't know how you did it." She told me that she was able to hold her nieces, but it was something about holding a boy that bothered her. I left her alone and I think she was OK. I got teary eyed talking to her. I remembered the same group, same building a year ago when a lady handed her baby to me and said, "Would you like to hold him?" What was I going to say? I might cry or flip out if I do! No, I just took him and kept choking back the knot in my throat. That was the first baby I held post-Mercy and Blessing. It was also a kind of turning point for me. After that encounter, looking at babies was a little easier and holding them has become easier with each time I've done it.
Last night, when I was thinking it over, I was hoping that she didn't think I was trying to compare my pain to hers. While we both lost babies, what I've experienced is only a taste of the grief she knows. There ARE varied degrees of grieving. I felt them when it came to my own miscarriages. Not that I loved Mercy any more than I loved Blessing, but Mercy was so real to me. My belly started to pooch, I was sick, I had experienced 5 previous healthy pregnancies, so I really thought I'd experience another one. I grieved harder for Mercy than I did for Blessing, but I "knew" Mercy better. I hope she understood that I was only trying to help her. I think she did.
On to another topic. This time of year has always been bittersweet for me. I'm glad to be almost finished with school, but when activities wind down, it makes me feel a little down. My homeschool group is over for the year. It'll start again in August. My kids' PE class ends this Tuesday. I enjoy those 2 days each week because of the friends I see and I'll miss them over the summer (come on, cry with me, Angie). I'm not really crying, but I have been kind of down because of it. When summer comes, I'll wonder how on earth I managed to do school and all of the activities we have during the school year. It's always the same. Summer is never very long and then we'll be back to the old proverbial grindstone for another year. I was like this when I was in school, too. Kind of weird.
Oh, about the pregnant youth from our church. She told her family, who told her they hope she miscarries, not to talk about the baby at all because they don't want to get attached because she's giving it up for adoption (they hope). I was disgusted when I heard their response. First of all, if you don't believe in abortion, why on earth would you wish a baby's death upon this girl? Another thing, if she does give the baby up, these few months will be her only memories of her baby (unless she has an open/semi-open adoption) and talking will help her to remember. Oh, well. It's not my family, so I don't know why I even care!
That's all I have for now.
Later,
Paula
Friday, April 27, 2007
The Weight-ing Game and Other Tidbits from the Week
My name is Paula and I am a food-a-holic. There, I said it. I love food. I love to cook it and I love to eat it! I am not terribly overweight, but I have about 15-20 lbs. that I need to get rid of and I'm having a hard time doing it. I know why I can't lose it. I eat too much. I exercise several times a week. On Monday this week, I actually exercised twice, but the scale hasn't budged. When I got married, I was too skinny. Not by choice. I was just built that way--until I had kids. I've struggled with my weight ever since. It doesn't help that every woman in my husband's family wears a size 2 or 4! My Mom has told me that I'm not fat, but if she were me, she'd feel the same way in that family. Forgive my whining. I'm in a discouraging lull in my workout regimen due to having a cold for the 2nd time in 3 weeks. I was healthy all winter long! But now that I have to get in shape for this Avon walk, I'm sick again. Grrrr! I am going to commit to eating healthier and less and to getting back to my exercising as soon as I feel better! I'll post if I ever lose weight. Wrong attitude... I'll post WHEN I lose weight. Better.
Last night, while cleaning up after dinner, we discovered that our Guinea Pig was dead. The M Household is a dangerous place for animals anymore. Poor Piggy (Miss Piggy, but I always called her Piggy, Piggers, Piggy Wiggy, Pig Wig, Little Pig). I guess she was just old. I don't know how old guinea pigs get, but she was 4 1/2 years old, so maybe that was it. My husband was upset because Piggy used to squeak at him every night when he'd get ready for bed. My kids weren't as upset as they were about Mr. Bo, thank goodness. I'm sad about them both. There are very empty spots in and around our house now--where Piggy's cage was in our front bathroom, where Mr. Bo slept in the garage. We have a lot of animals still in our house, though. Here's an introduction: Whiskers (or Whiskers the Wonder Cat, as I call him)--a gray cat that lounges about our house and watches the mice taunt him :) (on a side note, Poor Whiskers was at a loss when he went into the front bathroom last night and Piggy's cage was gone. And this morning, before I was up, he came into my room and meowed, which is something he never does. Death affects other animals, too). Link (Stinky Weasel to me)--an overly energetic and very aggressive ferret that belongs to my oldest daughter. I never thought I'd like a ferret, but he's fun. When he's out of his cage, he likes to get on my bed and pull off folded socks to hide them under my bed. Dude (the name says it all, so he doesn't have a nick)--a slightly annoying Border Collie, who was Mr. Bo's friend. When Mr. Bo was suffering in my driveway, Dude kept coming over to see what was wrong with him and he had a sadness in his eyes when Mr. Bo was gone. I have a greater appreciation for Dude now. I try to pet him everyday and he doesn't seem nearly as annoying as he used to. Fletch (aka, Fletchbird)--he's a cockatiel, who likes to say his own name, wolf whistle, and whistle part of the Andy Griffith theme song. He also makes little kissing noises and likes it when you make kissy noises back to him. We also have a hermit crab named Hermie, who never comes out of his shell, a hamster named Hamilton, 2 baby goats that we are bottle feeding, and lots of unwanted mice. Why can't the mice die???
I found out this week that one of the kids in our church youth group is pregnant. I was saddened, but for a different reason. Her parents are really good people and I think they've been duped by her. I don't know how they'll take this news. She has told my sister-in-law (bro's wife) that she may give the baby for adoption, but she will not abort. I hope she makes the right decision. She is so dingy (as in goofy, not dirty) that I really don't think she'd make a decent parent.
Tomorrow, I'm going to a homeschool fair and then spending the night with my husband. He has a class in the same area that I'll be. It'll be nice to have a "date" night.
Sorry to talk so long,
Paula
Last night, while cleaning up after dinner, we discovered that our Guinea Pig was dead. The M Household is a dangerous place for animals anymore. Poor Piggy (Miss Piggy, but I always called her Piggy, Piggers, Piggy Wiggy, Pig Wig, Little Pig). I guess she was just old. I don't know how old guinea pigs get, but she was 4 1/2 years old, so maybe that was it. My husband was upset because Piggy used to squeak at him every night when he'd get ready for bed. My kids weren't as upset as they were about Mr. Bo, thank goodness. I'm sad about them both. There are very empty spots in and around our house now--where Piggy's cage was in our front bathroom, where Mr. Bo slept in the garage. We have a lot of animals still in our house, though. Here's an introduction: Whiskers (or Whiskers the Wonder Cat, as I call him)--a gray cat that lounges about our house and watches the mice taunt him :) (on a side note, Poor Whiskers was at a loss when he went into the front bathroom last night and Piggy's cage was gone. And this morning, before I was up, he came into my room and meowed, which is something he never does. Death affects other animals, too). Link (Stinky Weasel to me)--an overly energetic and very aggressive ferret that belongs to my oldest daughter. I never thought I'd like a ferret, but he's fun. When he's out of his cage, he likes to get on my bed and pull off folded socks to hide them under my bed. Dude (the name says it all, so he doesn't have a nick)--a slightly annoying Border Collie, who was Mr. Bo's friend. When Mr. Bo was suffering in my driveway, Dude kept coming over to see what was wrong with him and he had a sadness in his eyes when Mr. Bo was gone. I have a greater appreciation for Dude now. I try to pet him everyday and he doesn't seem nearly as annoying as he used to. Fletch (aka, Fletchbird)--he's a cockatiel, who likes to say his own name, wolf whistle, and whistle part of the Andy Griffith theme song. He also makes little kissing noises and likes it when you make kissy noises back to him. We also have a hermit crab named Hermie, who never comes out of his shell, a hamster named Hamilton, 2 baby goats that we are bottle feeding, and lots of unwanted mice. Why can't the mice die???
I found out this week that one of the kids in our church youth group is pregnant. I was saddened, but for a different reason. Her parents are really good people and I think they've been duped by her. I don't know how they'll take this news. She has told my sister-in-law (bro's wife) that she may give the baby for adoption, but she will not abort. I hope she makes the right decision. She is so dingy (as in goofy, not dirty) that I really don't think she'd make a decent parent.
Tomorrow, I'm going to a homeschool fair and then spending the night with my husband. He has a class in the same area that I'll be. It'll be nice to have a "date" night.
Sorry to talk so long,
Paula
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Heaven and a purpose in death
The topic this week in my daily devotional has been Heaven. Here are a few things I've read about.
Who will be there? Our Triune God--Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. All of the angels, the old testament saints, and all believers. (A side note:What about those little ones who never had the chance or the knowledge to be saved? I believe that little ones who are lost immediately go into the presence of the Heavenly Father and that God has a certain time or age when He holds us accountable for our sins. A little child or a baby, born or unborn, isn't aware of it's sinful nature and therefore is not held accountable.)
How will we be different physically? We'll have glorified bodies like Jesus had when He arose on the 3rd day. We know that Jesus had a visible physical form, could just appear in a locked room, and could be touched.
Will we recognize each other? Our bodies will be identifiable. Jesus' followers recognized Him.
Here are some others' thoughts about Heaven:
"All the things that made Earth unlovely and tragic will be absent in Heaven." Billy Graham
"Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret?There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
"We talk about Heaven being so far away. It is within speaking distance of those who belong there. Heaven is a prepared place for prepared people." D.L. Moody
"Hearts on earth say in the course of a joyful experience, 'I don't ever want this to end.' But it invariably does. The hearts of those in heaven say, 'I want this to go on forever.' And it will. There is no better news than this." J.I. Packer
"There will be little else we shall want of heaven besides Jesus Christ. He will be our bread, our food, our beauty, and our glorious dress. The atmosphere of heaven will be Christ; everything in heaven will be Christ-like: yes, Christ is the heaven of His people." C.H. Spurgeon
"The best is yet to be." John Wesley
An acquaintance of mine (a 26 year old mother of a 1 year old) is currently battling leukemia. Two months ago, she was given 2 months to live. She is still fighting with some experimental treatments. She has written in her blog that she had been researching Heaven as if she was going on a trip. It's a good thing for us to think about if we've lost loved ones or, in my case, babies. Just remember that this is temporary. We'll be with them always someday.
Another little thought about a purpose in death. I am very attached to this world. I like living, for the most part. I like doing my thing--taking care of my kids, being with my family and friends, playing my music really loud, cooking, making cards. I could go on and on. I noticed years ago, before I lost Mercy and Blessing, that with each death I endured, I was weaned a little more off of this world. The sting of death (that of loved ones) is relieving the sting of death (my own someday). Each loss makes me more ready for Heaven. I have a lot of people to look forward to seeing: Jesus, Christian, Mercy, Blessing, Ethan, Rebecca, Brianna (the triplets), little Ricky (my 5 mo. old nephew who died), my Grandma and Great Grandma. While I still am attached to living in this world, I can look forward to living in the next and never facing the pain I've gone through in this life.
Til next time,
Paula
Who will be there? Our Triune God--Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. All of the angels, the old testament saints, and all believers. (A side note:What about those little ones who never had the chance or the knowledge to be saved? I believe that little ones who are lost immediately go into the presence of the Heavenly Father and that God has a certain time or age when He holds us accountable for our sins. A little child or a baby, born or unborn, isn't aware of it's sinful nature and therefore is not held accountable.)
How will we be different physically? We'll have glorified bodies like Jesus had when He arose on the 3rd day. We know that Jesus had a visible physical form, could just appear in a locked room, and could be touched.
Will we recognize each other? Our bodies will be identifiable. Jesus' followers recognized Him.
Here are some others' thoughts about Heaven:
"All the things that made Earth unlovely and tragic will be absent in Heaven." Billy Graham
"Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret?There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
"We talk about Heaven being so far away. It is within speaking distance of those who belong there. Heaven is a prepared place for prepared people." D.L. Moody
"Hearts on earth say in the course of a joyful experience, 'I don't ever want this to end.' But it invariably does. The hearts of those in heaven say, 'I want this to go on forever.' And it will. There is no better news than this." J.I. Packer
"There will be little else we shall want of heaven besides Jesus Christ. He will be our bread, our food, our beauty, and our glorious dress. The atmosphere of heaven will be Christ; everything in heaven will be Christ-like: yes, Christ is the heaven of His people." C.H. Spurgeon
"The best is yet to be." John Wesley
An acquaintance of mine (a 26 year old mother of a 1 year old) is currently battling leukemia. Two months ago, she was given 2 months to live. She is still fighting with some experimental treatments. She has written in her blog that she had been researching Heaven as if she was going on a trip. It's a good thing for us to think about if we've lost loved ones or, in my case, babies. Just remember that this is temporary. We'll be with them always someday.
Another little thought about a purpose in death. I am very attached to this world. I like living, for the most part. I like doing my thing--taking care of my kids, being with my family and friends, playing my music really loud, cooking, making cards. I could go on and on. I noticed years ago, before I lost Mercy and Blessing, that with each death I endured, I was weaned a little more off of this world. The sting of death (that of loved ones) is relieving the sting of death (my own someday). Each loss makes me more ready for Heaven. I have a lot of people to look forward to seeing: Jesus, Christian, Mercy, Blessing, Ethan, Rebecca, Brianna (the triplets), little Ricky (my 5 mo. old nephew who died), my Grandma and Great Grandma. While I still am attached to living in this world, I can look forward to living in the next and never facing the pain I've gone through in this life.
Til next time,
Paula
Monday, April 16, 2007
The Miracle of Life and the Ugliness of Death
Yesterday held two very different events for me, though when I woke up in the morning, I didn't know it would be that way. My girls got 2 baby goats from a family friend to bottle feed and I ran over one of our dogs and he had to be put down.
Last year, we got goats from the same lady. We bottle fed them and kept them until all three died tragically--all in different ways. We're not really set up to keep goats penned up, so they roamed around our barns, which ended up getting them in trouble. This time around, we will be giving the goats back when they are weaned. The girls named them Princess and Sophia. Princess is white with a light tan face. She's small, but Sophia is so much smaller. She's about half the size of Princess and she has a dark brown face and a white body. I finally found a use for the bottles my children never would take. The goats are using them.
I was on my way home, driving up my driveway, not paying attention. I always pay attention to that little dog because he was always in the way! In the year and a half since we got him (a stray that we got from a friend), I have always paid attention to where he was, but yesterday I wasn't. I knew immediately what I'd done because I felt my Excursion run over something. He was alive, but very badly hurt. He kept trying to get up, but his back legs wouldn't work. I called my mother in law and she said his back was probably broken. My husband was at a class all weekend and he wasn't home yet (why does all the bad crap happen when he's gone???), so I called my dad to come and put him down. My dad has had to put down his share of animals for one reason or another, but he doesn't like to do it. Poor Mr. Bo, the dog, who for a year and a half wouldn't let us pet him, let us pet him and try to keep him comfortable until my dad got there. We all cried, especially my 12 year old, who doesn't usually get upset about anything. When my dad got to my house, we all went inside. I petted Mr. Bo and told him I was sorry. He tried to get up, which just broke my heart so bad. I don't know if God has a place for animals, but I was praying so hard yesterday that He does. We've lost lots of dogs over the past several years and it's always hard, but it is so much harder when it's my fault...
Paula
Last year, we got goats from the same lady. We bottle fed them and kept them until all three died tragically--all in different ways. We're not really set up to keep goats penned up, so they roamed around our barns, which ended up getting them in trouble. This time around, we will be giving the goats back when they are weaned. The girls named them Princess and Sophia. Princess is white with a light tan face. She's small, but Sophia is so much smaller. She's about half the size of Princess and she has a dark brown face and a white body. I finally found a use for the bottles my children never would take. The goats are using them.
I was on my way home, driving up my driveway, not paying attention. I always pay attention to that little dog because he was always in the way! In the year and a half since we got him (a stray that we got from a friend), I have always paid attention to where he was, but yesterday I wasn't. I knew immediately what I'd done because I felt my Excursion run over something. He was alive, but very badly hurt. He kept trying to get up, but his back legs wouldn't work. I called my mother in law and she said his back was probably broken. My husband was at a class all weekend and he wasn't home yet (why does all the bad crap happen when he's gone???), so I called my dad to come and put him down. My dad has had to put down his share of animals for one reason or another, but he doesn't like to do it. Poor Mr. Bo, the dog, who for a year and a half wouldn't let us pet him, let us pet him and try to keep him comfortable until my dad got there. We all cried, especially my 12 year old, who doesn't usually get upset about anything. When my dad got to my house, we all went inside. I petted Mr. Bo and told him I was sorry. He tried to get up, which just broke my heart so bad. I don't know if God has a place for animals, but I was praying so hard yesterday that He does. We've lost lots of dogs over the past several years and it's always hard, but it is so much harder when it's my fault...
Paula
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