Christian's Story

January 30th marked the 14th anniversary of losing Christian. I had wanted to post that day, but didn't get a chance.
Christian's story actually started in May of 1992. That's when I officially went off the pill and went on what I used to call the "quest for baby". I went to the ob/gyn in St. Louis, where I was living at the time, to make sure all of the necessary parts were there, etc. We tried to get pregnant and month after month I was disappointed when I'd start my period. At the time, I was in pharmacy school, but I soon changed my mind and applied to nursing school in my hometown. This was in January, 1993. About 3 days before I found out I was pregnant with Christian, I remember telling my husband that if it didn't work that month, I was going to go back on the pill and see nursing school through. Well, Friday, Jan. 22, I bought a pregnancy test and got a faint (barely there) pink positive. I look back and think that the faint pink was a sign that something was already wrong. I was overjoyed! I called my ob and they told me to come in before work the next day for a confirmation test. It, too, was positive, so I went to work and blabbed to everyone that I was pregnant!
At that time, I was working in a pharmacy that was in the same building as an abortion clinic. I look back now and cringe to think I used to work close to such a place. I have always been staunchly pro-life, but I guess I've become even more so through years of life experiences, knowledge of prenatal development, etc. That Saturday, the pro-lifers were out in force because it was the 20th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. I remember a "pro-choice escort" walking me into the building and apologizing for the ruckus. I told her it was "OK". After my miscarriage, I would never tell young ladies who asked me where the abortion clinic was because it made me so mad that they were getting ready to have their's killed when all I wanted was one of my own!
I went through Sunday buying a baby name book and a couple of other books to see me through my pregnancy. Monday, I went to the doctor and everything looked fine. Tuesday, I was OK. On Wednesday, when I was at work, I started spotting. I started crying and called my doctor who told me to take it easy, and that since it was brown, it was probably just old blood. Not to worry too much. Thursday and Friday were spent on the couch and on Friday, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, D, came up to bring me some herbs that D's midwife said might help. I started drinking them faithfully, but to no avail. On Saturday, the bleeding picked up and by afternoon, I was cramping really bad. They were like no menstrual cramp I've ever had--so much worse. Every few minutes, I'd get another one. For 2 hours I cramped and cried, knowing it was over. Finally, the cramps stopped. The doctor's office told me to collect whatever clots I passed, so I did. I never did see a baby in them, though I did look for one. I know it is gross, but it was my first baby!!
A few days later, I went to the doctor. The nurse hugged me when I went in, even though she didn't know me. I thought that was so nice. Then the doctor (a man), said to me "What can I say? These things happen." I thought that was rather insensitive.
I grieved for my baby really hard for months. I wanted to die because the pain was so great. I used to look at my book "A Child is Born" every month to see what my baby should have looked like and I'd wonder how big I'd be. This went on through my would-have-been due date, September 20. In that week alone, I knew 2 women who had babies, one of them on my Mom's birthday. I wondered if that could have been me. The day after that, a sister-in-law announced that she was pregnant for the first time. We were staying with my in-laws at the time while our house was being built (we had already moved home from St. Louis) and my sister-in-law was there to make the announcement. I sat there composed for about 15 minutes, then went to my room and cried harder than I'd cried the previous 8 months. I remember my husband coming in and telling me that if we had to try a hundred times to get a baby we would. I don't remember if that made me feel any better. I was a little better the next morning, which was good, because I then started the last period I'd have for 9 months. I got pregnant with my oldest daughter 2 weeks later. On the first anniversary of losing Christian, I cried, even though I was several months along with G. I didn't actually even give Christian a name until about the 2nd year anniversary of losing him/her. That's when I decided I needed to give him/her one because it was my baby.
I'm sorry this is so long. I actually thought I had lost it when I was almost finished, but somehow it came back up. Thank you, God!
Paula