When I was growing up, there was a bookstore in my hometown called "Books & Things". When we'd go there, my brother and I would stand in the children's section while my parents looked around. It's such a nice memory. My favorite book that I got there was called "101 Things to do with a Dead Cat". It was a humorous cartoon book with 101 illustrations of what you could do with a dead cat (hence, the name...), much like the kind of humor seen in Gary Larson cartoons. I don't condone violence to cats or any other animal, but it was a funny book. My topic for today is about books and things that have helped me on my miscarriage journey.
When I lost Christian, I bought a book called "Empty Arms" by Pam Vredevelt. It was kind of a "how to" about getting through a miscarriage and subsequent pregnancies written by a woman whose baby died at 5 months. Like me, she went to the doctor for a scheduled appointment only to find out that her baby was dead. One quote I learned reading her book, which I said to myself every other time I've been pregnant, was "Let go and let God." I said that SO many times when I was pregnant with my oldest and when I was pregnant with my 4th (I actually spotted when I was pregnant with her and am now convinced that God really intervened to keep her with me).
The next book is "A Deeper Shade of Grace" by Bernadette Keaggy. I bought this book several years ago just to loan to women who had been through a miscarriage but I didn't actually read it until last summer when I decided to let go of my anger toward God and let Him heal me. Bernadette lost 6 (I am pretty sure, but can't remember right off), including a set of triplets like my bro and sis-in-law. In the book, she touches on anger at God, which is really what I needed to hear.
A pamphlet put out by Focus on the Family called "Permission to Grieve: Finding Healing and Hope after Miscarriage" is the next one I'd like to talk about. I got this one from a crisis pregnancy center that had a booth at a Christian music festival I went to. It would be good for anyone who has had a miscarriage as well as those who know someone who has had one. Lots of good information on what to say and do for a grieving mother/family. A favorite quote that I've posted on miscarriage message boards and another blog is: "The human soul has no size." My babies were all very small when they died, so that holds particular significance for me. It can be obtained at www.family.org/pregnancy
The final book I'll talk about is one my sister-in-law loaned me after her son died. It is called "Dear Cheyenne" by Joanne Cacciatore. Ms. Cacciatore's daughter Cheyenne died just before she went into labor with her. The book is in diary form and is full of the raw emotion a grieving mother feels. This book would be good for someone whose baby died farther along or for one whose baby died shortly after birth (my nephew was 5 1/2 months). It is not written from a Christian perspective (the author has ideas that her daughter turned into an angel, etc.), but it is a good book.
A website that I've found comfort through is the National Share organization. I'll look up the web address and post it in a minute. A few minutes later: nationalshareoffice.com
All of these resources are good, but nothing can beat the sensitivity of a friend or family member who sends a card to let you know they're thinking of you or who just asks you how you are. I was in a situation with a little baby yesterday and a friend asked me how I was doing. It was nice to know she cares (thanks, A :) ). I did do well and even held the baby. I actually enjoyed it!
Until next time...
Paula
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
The Little Things
"The little things, the little things, they always hang around.
The little things, the little things, they try to break me down." --Good Charlotte
I love rock music. Sure, most of the lyrics aren't very constructive, but I love the beat! In this post, I'd like to write, as the band Good Charlotte did, about the little things. Things I remember about my babies.
This Thursday and Friday mark the 2 year anniversary of finding out that Mercy was dead. I am actually doing very well with the exception of a little crying spell this morning when I was thinking. At the more formal ultrasound performed on March 30, 2005, I was given a picture of my little Mercy. The u/s technician asked me if I wanted a picture, which I thought was very sensitive of her. I said "yes" being so glad that I'd have a little something from my baby. In the photo, Mercy is about the size and shape of a bean. Nothing is distinguishable as a baby, but it's the only picture I have. Shortly after I miscarried, I put that picture away because it was too hard to look at. I thought I'd put it with my son's ultrasound pictures, but when I looked for it this morning, I couldn't find it. I hope it turns up... While looking for the u/s photo, I came across a picture of myself, my oldest daughter, my dh, and my son when we were picking G up from camp. I was pregnant with Blessing at the time. I had on my Mom's stretch size 14 capri's and a borrowed shirt from my Mom, too. My belly would always start pooching quite well as soon as I found out I was expecting, which brings me to my next little thing. When I was pregnant with Mercy, I would wake up in the morning with my hand on my little pooch. That was one thing I missed so much after I found out he/she had died. I was thinking about it this morning and it shows how much a mother loves her baby--even subconsiously, Mercy was always on my mind.
That's enough of my sad post. I am in a very good mood today--spring has sprung and the world is alive with color! I love it!
Paula
The little things, the little things, they try to break me down." --Good Charlotte
I love rock music. Sure, most of the lyrics aren't very constructive, but I love the beat! In this post, I'd like to write, as the band Good Charlotte did, about the little things. Things I remember about my babies.
This Thursday and Friday mark the 2 year anniversary of finding out that Mercy was dead. I am actually doing very well with the exception of a little crying spell this morning when I was thinking. At the more formal ultrasound performed on March 30, 2005, I was given a picture of my little Mercy. The u/s technician asked me if I wanted a picture, which I thought was very sensitive of her. I said "yes" being so glad that I'd have a little something from my baby. In the photo, Mercy is about the size and shape of a bean. Nothing is distinguishable as a baby, but it's the only picture I have. Shortly after I miscarried, I put that picture away because it was too hard to look at. I thought I'd put it with my son's ultrasound pictures, but when I looked for it this morning, I couldn't find it. I hope it turns up... While looking for the u/s photo, I came across a picture of myself, my oldest daughter, my dh, and my son when we were picking G up from camp. I was pregnant with Blessing at the time. I had on my Mom's stretch size 14 capri's and a borrowed shirt from my Mom, too. My belly would always start pooching quite well as soon as I found out I was expecting, which brings me to my next little thing. When I was pregnant with Mercy, I would wake up in the morning with my hand on my little pooch. That was one thing I missed so much after I found out he/she had died. I was thinking about it this morning and it shows how much a mother loves her baby--even subconsiously, Mercy was always on my mind.
That's enough of my sad post. I am in a very good mood today--spring has sprung and the world is alive with color! I love it!
Paula
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Remembering the Triplets
I have posted before about my triplet nephew and nieces who were born too soon five years ago. Today, I'd like to talk about them. Today is their birth/death day.
When my brother and his wife, M and BJ, got married, we knew they probably would not have children on their own. In September 2001, they started trying to have a baby by using fertility drugs. The drugs consisted of 2 very painful shots per day, lovingly administered by my brother, to stimulate ovulation. They were told before they started this regimen that this type of medication had a 50% chance of producing multiples, so we were semi-prepared for that possibility. At the time, I was working at a local crisis pregnancy center. BJ called me one evening and told me that she thought she was pregnant. She wasn't suppose to start her period for another day or two, but I told her I'd run a test on her if she wanted to come in. Sure enough, she got a very pink positive. I've ran enough tests on myself and others to know that a very pink positive that early wasn't very normal, so I immediately thought she might be expecting twins (2 weeks earlier, an ultrasound showed that 3 eggs were "ripe" and going to be released when they gave the shot to make them release).
A few weeks later, we were VERY shocked to learn that there were definitely 2 babies and maybe a 3rd. There was a slight shadow on the screen behind one of the babies. Two weeks after the initial u/s, it was confirmed that there were 3 babies in BJ's womb. We were all so excited and spent the next couple of months preparing for the BIG family event! BJ's pregnancy was very eventful. She was violently ill most of the first 3 months and EXTREMELY tired. The doctor put her on progesterone until the 1st trimester was over. When she was 3 1/2 months, I was able to go to the specialist's visit with them. She did an u/s to check up on them. Everything looked great. It was so wild to see that many babies on an u/s. All you could see were backbones and legs! At about 4 months, they had another u/s which told them they were having 2 girls and a boy. One of the girls was sucking her thumb in all of the u/s pictures. It was so cute.
On March 6, BJ went to the hospital for some contractions she was having. They told her she had just overdone it. March 14, same thing. At 1:30 a.m. March 15, my mom called me telling me M and BJ were in the hospital. She was fully dilated and was definitely going to lose the babies. She was only 21 weeks along. Our hospital will only ship a woman out if she is 24 weeks to try to save the babies.
I went to the hospital and "coached" BJ through contractions. Her insensitive doctor finally allowed her to have an epidural early in the morning, which brought physical relief, but none for the heart. The room was quiet. No fetal monitor was hooked up to her, but we could hear one in the next room over. Very depressing.... I went home at about 9 to shower and rest a few hours.
At about 2:00 p.m., Ethan Matthew, Rebecca Jo, and Brianna Rae came into the world, alive, but totally silent. I arrived shortly after and my family (Dad, Mom, Uncle) and some church friends spent the next 2 hours holding the babies, looking at them, and taking pictures of them. At about 4:30, the girls both died, and Ethan died shortly after. He was the first to come into the world and the last to leave. It was like he was trying to be a good big brother to watch out for his sisters. Before they all died, my brother held each of them and to each he said, "I love you and you will always be my favorite Ethan/Rebecca/Brianna." I left after the nurse took them away. When I got into my car, the song that was on the radio was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. It's a song about what we'll see in Heaven. I have never been able to listen to that song since without much sadness.
March 18, a funeral was held at our church cemetary for them. One small casket with 3 little babies in it... My dad, who is a blacksmith, made a very large flower hanger in the shape of a cross, with 3 little children on it holding hands.
I struggled with the knowledge that nothing was done for BJ or the babies to try to save them for a long time. A few months after they died, my husband was called to set up a helicopter landing site for twins born at 24 weeks in the same hospital the triplets were born at. Both of the babies ended up dying. After that happened, I looked on it as such a mercy from God that the babies were not any older. We got to hold the triplets and spend their only 2 hours on our earth with them. The woman who lost her twins did not get that. Her babies were whisked away, never to be seen alive by her again.
I've written in other posts about my being pro-life. I have seen and held a 21 week old baby. It IS a baby--looks just like a full term baby, only very small. I don't see how women or anyone can justify the taking of an innocent life, whether it is 5 weeks old in it's mother's womb or 35 weeks old in it's mother's womb (yes, abortion CAN be performed until birth). While we were having a funeral for the triplets, other babies the same age were being tossed out as hospital waste. The thought makes no sense to me and it makes me sick....
Six weeks after the triplets were lost, BJ went in for her 6 week checkup. It was then that we learned that the girls were identical twins. Brianna, who was 3 ounces smaller than Ethan and Rebecca, was the shadow on the first u/s. I read up on this and it is possible for a twin to "split off" up to a week after conception. If it occurs after a week, siamese twins form. The doctors think Brianna was just a few days younger than the other 2.
I have shed more tears writing this one than any of the other posts I've written. We all miss those babies, but a year and a half later, we saw God's reasoning when M and BJ adopted a little black girl they named McKenzie. She is such a blessing to our family and we are thankful that God's ways are higher than ours...
Paula
When my brother and his wife, M and BJ, got married, we knew they probably would not have children on their own. In September 2001, they started trying to have a baby by using fertility drugs. The drugs consisted of 2 very painful shots per day, lovingly administered by my brother, to stimulate ovulation. They were told before they started this regimen that this type of medication had a 50% chance of producing multiples, so we were semi-prepared for that possibility. At the time, I was working at a local crisis pregnancy center. BJ called me one evening and told me that she thought she was pregnant. She wasn't suppose to start her period for another day or two, but I told her I'd run a test on her if she wanted to come in. Sure enough, she got a very pink positive. I've ran enough tests on myself and others to know that a very pink positive that early wasn't very normal, so I immediately thought she might be expecting twins (2 weeks earlier, an ultrasound showed that 3 eggs were "ripe" and going to be released when they gave the shot to make them release).
A few weeks later, we were VERY shocked to learn that there were definitely 2 babies and maybe a 3rd. There was a slight shadow on the screen behind one of the babies. Two weeks after the initial u/s, it was confirmed that there were 3 babies in BJ's womb. We were all so excited and spent the next couple of months preparing for the BIG family event! BJ's pregnancy was very eventful. She was violently ill most of the first 3 months and EXTREMELY tired. The doctor put her on progesterone until the 1st trimester was over. When she was 3 1/2 months, I was able to go to the specialist's visit with them. She did an u/s to check up on them. Everything looked great. It was so wild to see that many babies on an u/s. All you could see were backbones and legs! At about 4 months, they had another u/s which told them they were having 2 girls and a boy. One of the girls was sucking her thumb in all of the u/s pictures. It was so cute.
On March 6, BJ went to the hospital for some contractions she was having. They told her she had just overdone it. March 14, same thing. At 1:30 a.m. March 15, my mom called me telling me M and BJ were in the hospital. She was fully dilated and was definitely going to lose the babies. She was only 21 weeks along. Our hospital will only ship a woman out if she is 24 weeks to try to save the babies.
I went to the hospital and "coached" BJ through contractions. Her insensitive doctor finally allowed her to have an epidural early in the morning, which brought physical relief, but none for the heart. The room was quiet. No fetal monitor was hooked up to her, but we could hear one in the next room over. Very depressing.... I went home at about 9 to shower and rest a few hours.
At about 2:00 p.m., Ethan Matthew, Rebecca Jo, and Brianna Rae came into the world, alive, but totally silent. I arrived shortly after and my family (Dad, Mom, Uncle) and some church friends spent the next 2 hours holding the babies, looking at them, and taking pictures of them. At about 4:30, the girls both died, and Ethan died shortly after. He was the first to come into the world and the last to leave. It was like he was trying to be a good big brother to watch out for his sisters. Before they all died, my brother held each of them and to each he said, "I love you and you will always be my favorite Ethan/Rebecca/Brianna." I left after the nurse took them away. When I got into my car, the song that was on the radio was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. It's a song about what we'll see in Heaven. I have never been able to listen to that song since without much sadness.
March 18, a funeral was held at our church cemetary for them. One small casket with 3 little babies in it... My dad, who is a blacksmith, made a very large flower hanger in the shape of a cross, with 3 little children on it holding hands.
I struggled with the knowledge that nothing was done for BJ or the babies to try to save them for a long time. A few months after they died, my husband was called to set up a helicopter landing site for twins born at 24 weeks in the same hospital the triplets were born at. Both of the babies ended up dying. After that happened, I looked on it as such a mercy from God that the babies were not any older. We got to hold the triplets and spend their only 2 hours on our earth with them. The woman who lost her twins did not get that. Her babies were whisked away, never to be seen alive by her again.
I've written in other posts about my being pro-life. I have seen and held a 21 week old baby. It IS a baby--looks just like a full term baby, only very small. I don't see how women or anyone can justify the taking of an innocent life, whether it is 5 weeks old in it's mother's womb or 35 weeks old in it's mother's womb (yes, abortion CAN be performed until birth). While we were having a funeral for the triplets, other babies the same age were being tossed out as hospital waste. The thought makes no sense to me and it makes me sick....
Six weeks after the triplets were lost, BJ went in for her 6 week checkup. It was then that we learned that the girls were identical twins. Brianna, who was 3 ounces smaller than Ethan and Rebecca, was the shadow on the first u/s. I read up on this and it is possible for a twin to "split off" up to a week after conception. If it occurs after a week, siamese twins form. The doctors think Brianna was just a few days younger than the other 2.
I have shed more tears writing this one than any of the other posts I've written. We all miss those babies, but a year and a half later, we saw God's reasoning when M and BJ adopted a little black girl they named McKenzie. She is such a blessing to our family and we are thankful that God's ways are higher than ours...
Paula
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
My boy's 3rd birthday
Yesterday was my baby boy's 3rd birthday. I know 3 isn't really a baby anymore, but he still seems like a baby to me.
All day, I was sad thinking about the day he was born--my water breaking in the middle of the night, the 4 contractions I actually felt before I got my epidural (those ARE wonderful things!), anxiously awaiting my little Susanna Joy to be born, as we had 2 ultrasounds telling us we were having our 5th girl, and the total shock and joy we felt when my Mom said "It's a boy!" with a whole lot of disbelief in her voice! Well, my little Sean E. Man as we call him, has always been a surprise to us. I tell people I could have had the 4 girls all at once and not be as busy as he makes me. I do love the little guy, though. Yesterday, I grabbed him and said something about him being my baby boy. He said in his little voice, "I'n not a baby. I'n a big boy." He certainly is getting to be....
I know those things aren't things I should be sad about, but for a long time, I couldn't think about the days my kids were born because it made me too sad. I feel like I never had closure to my child-bearing. After Sean was born, I suffered from postpartum depression. I was never on medication for it, but probably should have been. After I lost the babies, I wished so hard that I could have just been happy after he was born. Oh, well, water under the bridge...
I am a happy person now. It's taken me 3 long years (with a short stint between the PPD and my 1st miscarriage), but I am finally trying to live again.
I mentioned in an earlier post about doing the Avon Breast Cancer Walk in Denver. It's official. I signed up a few weeks ago and now am training and fundraising. I'll be posting more about it as the June walk dates near.
I better go. I'm walking on my Mom-in-law's treadmill today.
Paula
All day, I was sad thinking about the day he was born--my water breaking in the middle of the night, the 4 contractions I actually felt before I got my epidural (those ARE wonderful things!), anxiously awaiting my little Susanna Joy to be born, as we had 2 ultrasounds telling us we were having our 5th girl, and the total shock and joy we felt when my Mom said "It's a boy!" with a whole lot of disbelief in her voice! Well, my little Sean E. Man as we call him, has always been a surprise to us. I tell people I could have had the 4 girls all at once and not be as busy as he makes me. I do love the little guy, though. Yesterday, I grabbed him and said something about him being my baby boy. He said in his little voice, "I'n not a baby. I'n a big boy." He certainly is getting to be....
I know those things aren't things I should be sad about, but for a long time, I couldn't think about the days my kids were born because it made me too sad. I feel like I never had closure to my child-bearing. After Sean was born, I suffered from postpartum depression. I was never on medication for it, but probably should have been. After I lost the babies, I wished so hard that I could have just been happy after he was born. Oh, well, water under the bridge...
I am a happy person now. It's taken me 3 long years (with a short stint between the PPD and my 1st miscarriage), but I am finally trying to live again.
I mentioned in an earlier post about doing the Avon Breast Cancer Walk in Denver. It's official. I signed up a few weeks ago and now am training and fundraising. I'll be posting more about it as the June walk dates near.
I better go. I'm walking on my Mom-in-law's treadmill today.
Paula
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