The title for this post sounds much more excited than I feel. Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Dresden, Ohio to spend a few days with my mom, my sister-in-law, and my sister-in-law's sister (what a mouthful!). We will be touring the Longaberger factory, shopping, and enjoying (?) a little R & R. I am really not looking forward to going. Dreading it is a better word for what I feel. I don't know why. I have never left my children for this long, so it might be that. I don't know my sis-in-law's sis that well. Maybe that's it. I'm not super into the basket thing, so that could be it as well. I'm leaving in 3 weeks for Denver, so I feel like I'm abandoning my family. I'm wondering if it should have been "that time", because I feel really grouchy.
Forgive my whining. Whoever reads this, please say a prayer for us and for my kiddos at home. I'm kind of a control freak with my kids in that I always want to know where they are and what they're doing. Maybe it's because I'm with them 24/7. I just know I'm going to miss them this weekend!
Later,
Paula
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Future of the blog, training, and road trip
I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been busy and haven't been inspired to write. My blog posting may become less and less. My purpose in starting it was to give an account of where I've been as I have "journeyed" through my miscarriages and I think I've done that. I feel like I've posted on almost everything applicable to my miscarriages. When my nephew died, my brother-in-law made a website in his memory. At first, he would post new information, like how they were doing at the first birthday, the first death anniversary, etc. When I looked on the site on his would-have-been 2nd birthday, the only post there was one about how there was nothing new in death. I feel a little the same way. My situation and my story will never change. I will probably post every couple of weeks just as a sort of diary, but I doubt that much of what I say will have to do with my miscarriages. I honestly feel like I am good (and happy) 99.99% of the time, even when it comes to babies. This blog has helped me to get here and has been sort of a friend to me, who I could vent to about anything and be as brutally honest as I wanted to be.
The past 2 weeks have been filled with walking, taking care of goats, walking, walking, listening to the ipod while I'm walking, and walking. If it sounds really boring, it's because it is! I've been trying to increase my distance and the times I walk to prepare for my Avon walk in Denver next month. I walked 18.6 miles last week and 12.5 so far this week, including a 6 mile walk on Wednesday. This all sounds well and good, except for the fact that I'm suppose to be walking 7 miles on a short walk day and 18 miles on a long walk day. I don't have the time for that, so I'm just walking consistantly and hoping come June 23 that I can suffer through 26.2 miles the first day and 13.1 the second! I am also required to raise $1800 for the walk. I'm only about half there. I hate asking people for money and I'm not good at it either. All of my clothes are fitting looser, but to date I've only lost 2 lbs. I find that to be very discouraging. I'd like to be able to tell people that I've lost sooooo much weight throughout my training. (sigh)
I did have an enjoyable Thursday when I went on a road trip with a couple of my friends. It was nice to get away and I didn't have to walk that day! I'm very thankful to have buddies (there's a difference between a friend and a buddy) to do things like that with and I wish I had been closer to them when I'd had my miscarriages. I really think it would have been easier.
Last night, our church went to a St. Louis Cardinals' game. We got rained on and they lost, but it was still fun. We didn't get home until about 1 a.m., so I crashed at my parents' house so I wouldn't have to drive an extra 40 minutes to get home. I'll probably take a nap when I'm finished writing this.
With that thought, I think I am going to sign off for now. I do hope that those who read this will still check up on me. I may still write if I have any new thoughts or feelings on the subject, but most of it will just be my life as it is now.
Talk to you later,
Paula
The past 2 weeks have been filled with walking, taking care of goats, walking, walking, listening to the ipod while I'm walking, and walking. If it sounds really boring, it's because it is! I've been trying to increase my distance and the times I walk to prepare for my Avon walk in Denver next month. I walked 18.6 miles last week and 12.5 so far this week, including a 6 mile walk on Wednesday. This all sounds well and good, except for the fact that I'm suppose to be walking 7 miles on a short walk day and 18 miles on a long walk day. I don't have the time for that, so I'm just walking consistantly and hoping come June 23 that I can suffer through 26.2 miles the first day and 13.1 the second! I am also required to raise $1800 for the walk. I'm only about half there. I hate asking people for money and I'm not good at it either. All of my clothes are fitting looser, but to date I've only lost 2 lbs. I find that to be very discouraging. I'd like to be able to tell people that I've lost sooooo much weight throughout my training. (sigh)
I did have an enjoyable Thursday when I went on a road trip with a couple of my friends. It was nice to get away and I didn't have to walk that day! I'm very thankful to have buddies (there's a difference between a friend and a buddy) to do things like that with and I wish I had been closer to them when I'd had my miscarriages. I really think it would have been easier.
Last night, our church went to a St. Louis Cardinals' game. We got rained on and they lost, but it was still fun. We didn't get home until about 1 a.m., so I crashed at my parents' house so I wouldn't have to drive an extra 40 minutes to get home. I'll probably take a nap when I'm finished writing this.
With that thought, I think I am going to sign off for now. I do hope that those who read this will still check up on me. I may still write if I have any new thoughts or feelings on the subject, but most of it will just be my life as it is now.
Talk to you later,
Paula
Friday, May 11, 2007
My First Mother's Day
This week has been SUCH a busy one. All week, we've been getting things ready for a garage sale. We have had friends and family donate items to it and all of our proceeds will be going to our Avon Breast Cancer Walk next month. There is so much stuff left after a day of selling that I'm not sure we'll get rid of it all! I've also been doing a lot of walking this week. I've logged about 11 miles so far. I'm not sure if I'll get anymore walking done this week with the garage sale tomorrow and then Mother's Day on Sunday, but we'll see. My sister-in-law, who is also doing the walk, has been logging about 20 miles each week. She's so going to kick my butt.
I always enjoy Mother's Day. It's a time when I can show my mom and my mother-in-law that I appreciate them and a time when my kids let me know they appreciate me. I remember my first Mother's Day as a mother. I didn't have a baby to show for my title, but I knew in my heart that I was a Mom. It was May 1993, four months after I lost Christian. Every year my church recognizes the moms by giving them a flower. That year, I sat in the pew, silently crying to myself, as each mom went forward to pick up a flower. One lady, who was pregnant with her 4th child and due the week Christian would have been, was recognized as the woman with the most children. I had no way of knowing this, but that honor would come to me in a few short years. The next year, I was pregnant with G and I was recognized with a picture of a little girl praying with her Mommy (that was the only year I remember that they didn't do flowers). I hung the picture over her crib when we set it up.
That first Mother's Day wouldn't be the saddest for me. Fast forward 9 years to May 2002. My brother and his wife had lost the triplets 2 months earlier. We all (my Mom, sister-in-law, brother, and I) wept as the mothers came to the front of the church to get their flowers. My brother got up, took 3 flowers from the bucket and handed them to BJ. I almost lost it. The next Mother's Day, it was the same. He gave her 3 flowers. I bought her a card for Mother's Day with Precious Moments on it--a baby on a cloud. Fitting, I thought. May 2004, during our prayer time in Sunday school, I said I was thankful for a truly happy Mother's day. M and BJ had adopted McK just before Christmas, so we were very happy. Mother's Day 2 years ago was sad for me, too, but I don't remember crying like I did that first one.
If you have lost a baby and have no other children, you ARE still a mother. You have put all of the emotions into your child that mothers whose children are still with them do, and even some emotions that many mothers never experience (grief, extreme worry, sadness, hopelessness). If your church recognizes mothers, don't be afraid to be recognized or let your husband recognize you by getting you a card or something. You deserve it!!!
Those are my thoughts for the week.
Have a blessed Mother's Day,
Paula
I always enjoy Mother's Day. It's a time when I can show my mom and my mother-in-law that I appreciate them and a time when my kids let me know they appreciate me. I remember my first Mother's Day as a mother. I didn't have a baby to show for my title, but I knew in my heart that I was a Mom. It was May 1993, four months after I lost Christian. Every year my church recognizes the moms by giving them a flower. That year, I sat in the pew, silently crying to myself, as each mom went forward to pick up a flower. One lady, who was pregnant with her 4th child and due the week Christian would have been, was recognized as the woman with the most children. I had no way of knowing this, but that honor would come to me in a few short years. The next year, I was pregnant with G and I was recognized with a picture of a little girl praying with her Mommy (that was the only year I remember that they didn't do flowers). I hung the picture over her crib when we set it up.
That first Mother's Day wouldn't be the saddest for me. Fast forward 9 years to May 2002. My brother and his wife had lost the triplets 2 months earlier. We all (my Mom, sister-in-law, brother, and I) wept as the mothers came to the front of the church to get their flowers. My brother got up, took 3 flowers from the bucket and handed them to BJ. I almost lost it. The next Mother's Day, it was the same. He gave her 3 flowers. I bought her a card for Mother's Day with Precious Moments on it--a baby on a cloud. Fitting, I thought. May 2004, during our prayer time in Sunday school, I said I was thankful for a truly happy Mother's day. M and BJ had adopted McK just before Christmas, so we were very happy. Mother's Day 2 years ago was sad for me, too, but I don't remember crying like I did that first one.
If you have lost a baby and have no other children, you ARE still a mother. You have put all of the emotions into your child that mothers whose children are still with them do, and even some emotions that many mothers never experience (grief, extreme worry, sadness, hopelessness). If your church recognizes mothers, don't be afraid to be recognized or let your husband recognize you by getting you a card or something. You deserve it!!!
Those are my thoughts for the week.
Have a blessed Mother's Day,
Paula
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Weep with those who weep--revisited
One of my first posts was about "weeping with those who weep" as in Romans 12. At the time, I still had some unresolved anger/bitterness at people and I'm afraid that post reflected it. I still struggle a little with that, but I'm getting better. This post is about an opportunity to weep with someone who is weeping.
Yesterday, in our homeschool group, I was holding Shannon's baby (from the weepy/psycho post in February). I enjoy holding him, as I always do after I "warm up" to a new baby. I used to warm up as soon as I laid eyes on a baby, but I'm not the same since the miscarriages. It takes awhile. While I was holding him, a lady who lost her newborn son in October walked up to me and asked to hold him. I handed him over and was thinking that she was stronger than I was after I miscarried. A moment later, she said, " I can't do this" and handed him back. I noticed she was crying. She walked out of the room and I gave E to a friend of mine so I could follow her out. My heart broke for her. I hugged her and said, "I couldn't hold a baby for several months after I lost my babies and my babies were very small. I don't know how you did it." She told me that she was able to hold her nieces, but it was something about holding a boy that bothered her. I left her alone and I think she was OK. I got teary eyed talking to her. I remembered the same group, same building a year ago when a lady handed her baby to me and said, "Would you like to hold him?" What was I going to say? I might cry or flip out if I do! No, I just took him and kept choking back the knot in my throat. That was the first baby I held post-Mercy and Blessing. It was also a kind of turning point for me. After that encounter, looking at babies was a little easier and holding them has become easier with each time I've done it.
Last night, when I was thinking it over, I was hoping that she didn't think I was trying to compare my pain to hers. While we both lost babies, what I've experienced is only a taste of the grief she knows. There ARE varied degrees of grieving. I felt them when it came to my own miscarriages. Not that I loved Mercy any more than I loved Blessing, but Mercy was so real to me. My belly started to pooch, I was sick, I had experienced 5 previous healthy pregnancies, so I really thought I'd experience another one. I grieved harder for Mercy than I did for Blessing, but I "knew" Mercy better. I hope she understood that I was only trying to help her. I think she did.
On to another topic. This time of year has always been bittersweet for me. I'm glad to be almost finished with school, but when activities wind down, it makes me feel a little down. My homeschool group is over for the year. It'll start again in August. My kids' PE class ends this Tuesday. I enjoy those 2 days each week because of the friends I see and I'll miss them over the summer (come on, cry with me, Angie). I'm not really crying, but I have been kind of down because of it. When summer comes, I'll wonder how on earth I managed to do school and all of the activities we have during the school year. It's always the same. Summer is never very long and then we'll be back to the old proverbial grindstone for another year. I was like this when I was in school, too. Kind of weird.
Oh, about the pregnant youth from our church. She told her family, who told her they hope she miscarries, not to talk about the baby at all because they don't want to get attached because she's giving it up for adoption (they hope). I was disgusted when I heard their response. First of all, if you don't believe in abortion, why on earth would you wish a baby's death upon this girl? Another thing, if she does give the baby up, these few months will be her only memories of her baby (unless she has an open/semi-open adoption) and talking will help her to remember. Oh, well. It's not my family, so I don't know why I even care!
That's all I have for now.
Later,
Paula
Yesterday, in our homeschool group, I was holding Shannon's baby (from the weepy/psycho post in February). I enjoy holding him, as I always do after I "warm up" to a new baby. I used to warm up as soon as I laid eyes on a baby, but I'm not the same since the miscarriages. It takes awhile. While I was holding him, a lady who lost her newborn son in October walked up to me and asked to hold him. I handed him over and was thinking that she was stronger than I was after I miscarried. A moment later, she said, " I can't do this" and handed him back. I noticed she was crying. She walked out of the room and I gave E to a friend of mine so I could follow her out. My heart broke for her. I hugged her and said, "I couldn't hold a baby for several months after I lost my babies and my babies were very small. I don't know how you did it." She told me that she was able to hold her nieces, but it was something about holding a boy that bothered her. I left her alone and I think she was OK. I got teary eyed talking to her. I remembered the same group, same building a year ago when a lady handed her baby to me and said, "Would you like to hold him?" What was I going to say? I might cry or flip out if I do! No, I just took him and kept choking back the knot in my throat. That was the first baby I held post-Mercy and Blessing. It was also a kind of turning point for me. After that encounter, looking at babies was a little easier and holding them has become easier with each time I've done it.
Last night, when I was thinking it over, I was hoping that she didn't think I was trying to compare my pain to hers. While we both lost babies, what I've experienced is only a taste of the grief she knows. There ARE varied degrees of grieving. I felt them when it came to my own miscarriages. Not that I loved Mercy any more than I loved Blessing, but Mercy was so real to me. My belly started to pooch, I was sick, I had experienced 5 previous healthy pregnancies, so I really thought I'd experience another one. I grieved harder for Mercy than I did for Blessing, but I "knew" Mercy better. I hope she understood that I was only trying to help her. I think she did.
On to another topic. This time of year has always been bittersweet for me. I'm glad to be almost finished with school, but when activities wind down, it makes me feel a little down. My homeschool group is over for the year. It'll start again in August. My kids' PE class ends this Tuesday. I enjoy those 2 days each week because of the friends I see and I'll miss them over the summer (come on, cry with me, Angie). I'm not really crying, but I have been kind of down because of it. When summer comes, I'll wonder how on earth I managed to do school and all of the activities we have during the school year. It's always the same. Summer is never very long and then we'll be back to the old proverbial grindstone for another year. I was like this when I was in school, too. Kind of weird.
Oh, about the pregnant youth from our church. She told her family, who told her they hope she miscarries, not to talk about the baby at all because they don't want to get attached because she's giving it up for adoption (they hope). I was disgusted when I heard their response. First of all, if you don't believe in abortion, why on earth would you wish a baby's death upon this girl? Another thing, if she does give the baby up, these few months will be her only memories of her baby (unless she has an open/semi-open adoption) and talking will help her to remember. Oh, well. It's not my family, so I don't know why I even care!
That's all I have for now.
Later,
Paula
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